The Things I Do To Write

Written to the prompt, "Describe yourself."


The Things I Do To Write

Describe myself? Hmmm. That's kind of hard with this mirror stuck in my face. Let's see. I have teeth. I can see some hairs up my-- okay, I won't go there. But darn, why do they have to be there? I mean, did gravity pull them off my head?

Okay, so my eyes are brown with a black dot in the center that gets real tiny when I shine this flashlight in them, and gets real big when I turn the lights off. Whoop-dee-doo.

As a kid I was a Boy Scout and a local baseball star. All right, I was good, but the star thing may be just a little optimistic regarding the larger community. But to those who knew me, to those who counted, I was a star. They all applauded when I was headed on the fast track for the pros. Only they didn't expect that an injury on my first semi-pro team and my subsequent drug abuse would knock me out of it forever.

I did make it to Life Scout before I turned bad, just ever so slightly short of Eagle Scout, which is a great commentary on the first part of my life, because I always seemed to be good at things, but never quite good enough to be the best. Missed Eagle and missed the pros.

No regrets, though. I do not know the path either of those would have led me down and I am totally happy with who and what I am today. What if I were a baseball pro on a flight to somewhere that crashed? What if some maniac sniper decided to shoot people at some Eagle Scout ceremony I happened to attend? See what I mean? I might not be here if such were the case, and I am here now, so who am I to regret?

Besides, maybe I never would have become a writer. I certainly would not have ended up in the Air Force. That's where God rescued me from myself and I got out of all the bad stuff and actually started to enjoy life and excel in life once again. Only this time it was better, because instead of falling short of my goals, I actually began to make it to the top. I was the top grad in my Air Force school, my military softball team won the base and country (England) championship, I was given numerous awards for my accomplishments, including my award winning career newsletter that ran for three years.

All right, back to the description of myself. I'll put this mirror down and try another approach. I'm a firefighter, first responder, weather spotter, and a commercially licensed driver. Have you ever tried to parallel park a bus? What a trip. If you think a car is hard, oh my gosh, don't even try to imagine one of those large cruising busses, like Greyhound, which is what I took my test in. Parallel parking in-between cones with less than six feet to spare, that's three feet on either side, front and back, is nothing short of nerve-wracking. Yes, I did it and I am damn proud of it. Can you imagine that? Someone being proud of parallel parking a bus. Give me my hat, please.

"Hi, I'm David, I missed Eagle and botched a chance at pro baseball, but I parallel parked a bus, and by the way, I write."

What else? I'm a ten year veteran of the United States Air Force. I was involved in the Air Raid on Libya in 1986, the Invasion of Panama in 1989, and the First Gulf War in 1990 and 1991. Did I mention I write? During my tenure I saw some amazing stuff. A C-130 with an engine on fire coming in for an emergency landing is a pretty cool sight. I'm not being morbid, no one was hurt, and I was pulling for the crew like everyone else. But let me tell you, the stream of flames and smoke in the sky, and the intensity of the situation was enthralling. Somehow, fourth of July and Memorial Day fireworks just don't do it for me anymore. I've seen the real ones, not the commemorations.

I have saved lives at the scene of a head on collision and been covered in someone else's blood. I have had boiling tar fall on me while crouched inside a burning building where my fellow firefighter's facemask melted before we hosed the place and got out. I have been through two hurricanes, one tornado, and one earthquake. They were insignificant compared to Katrina and the tsunami, but gave me a taste of what severe devastation must be like, and made me thankful that I have not gone through the disasters of these other millions.

I have been blown-up by a satchel bomb, but fortunately the ditch I dove into was sufficient to protect me from significant damage. I have laid on my back at the end of the runway and watched the bellies of A-10 tank killers, hogs, pass over my face as they literally screamed in for their landings.

I once fell off a hundred foot cliff when the trail collapsed beneath my feet. After falling some twenty feet, I came to an incredibly abrupt stop. A large branch slammed up into my left armpit as my arm wedged itself between it and the trunk of a small, bare tree protruding from the face of the cliff. Somehow, I instantly reached out with my right arm to catch my buddy who also fell seconds later from the same collapse of the trail. I pinned him against the cliff as we waited for help.

As our other friends let down a rope to rescue us, we noticed that there were no other trees protruding from the face of the cliff for at least a hundred yards in either direction. Right tree, right place, right time. A one-in-a-million shot at wedging my arm saved my life, and automatic reflexes saved Mark. I still shake my head in disbelief when I think of that one.

I've attended classes at nine different colleges, lived in twenty-three different cities in ten different states and one foreign country, merry old England. I've toured Europe and enjoyed my stays in seventeen different countries, all unique and wonderful in their ways.

I have one heck of a crazy work background starting as a lowly dishwasher in a Chinese restaurant where everyone spoke the Cantonese dialect and called me crude and rude names while they patted me on the back and acted friendly. I found out about the "big joke" later when one of the softer-hearted cooks came clean and admitted what his fellow workers were doing.

But grandma loved me. A little old Chinese lady not more than four feet, five inches tall, who made me special meals and watched me with great joy as I scarfed her wondrous concoctions down. These were not menu items, folks, and I have to admit that some looked scary, but even all the other cooks ate her food, so I certainly got a special treat.

Next was a stint as an apartment complex maintenance and sanitation technician, and the list pours on from there. Save yourself the trouble and skip the next paragraph. For those of you who like to be tortured by excruciating detail, here's the list, just to satisfy your morbid curiosity.

In college I was a high school janitor. As a dropout, I went into furniture assembly and delivery. Then I moved to Indianapolis and became a nightclub kitchen manager of a bar called Speakeasy, no less. I had an exciting adventure as an "extra" in two movies (which was grueling work, actually). I was a car rental wash bay worker, and an airport shuttle driver. In the Air Force I was a ground radio operator, electromagnetic spectrum manager, communications staff officer, special programs manager, electronic combat trainer, career counselor, combat communicator, communications war planner, and snow removal plow operator. After that I was a condominium association property manager and bookkeeper, warehouse clerk, pub franchise administrator, Bible teacher and minister to a small congregation, college campus maintenance and repair, surgical and medical supply technician, home repair and maintenance business owner, payroll administrator for a temp employment agency, data entry operator, business supplies associate, grounds and landscape worker, armed security officer, corporate safety compliance manager, certified weather spotter, auto shop service manager, firefighter, emergency medical responder, truck driver, bus driver, CEO of a credit union, and a public speaker. Also, I think I mentioned this before, I write.

Whew, that's thirty-seven different jobs in just thirty years. Some of the jobs overlapped as I pursued multiple streams of income. Those of you who braved the list deserve a party in your honor. Those of you who skipped the list should tip your hats to those who didn't, and then call your local sanitarium to get them help.

What other wild, inexplicable credentials do I have? I have degrees in Communications and Theology. I am currently building a writing business, seminar business, software company, and an environmental services business. I also sell pre-paid legal plans, and I write.

Why in the world have I done all this? Hey, a guy's gotta eat, right? Maybe I should audition for the show "Pretender"? I can do about as many jobs as Jarrod. I wonder if some special agents from The Center are looking for me. But I know who my mom is, so I must be okay. I think it's just a coincidence that guys in dark suits and sunglasses follow me around and talk into their sleeves.

Actually, all these job and life experiences serve a tremendous purpose. There is one thing I intentionally left off the list in order to build you up to this point, in order to set up the excuse, oops, I mean, the reason for my wild, transient lifestyle. Here goes the ground-breaking revelation. No, that's not big enough. Let's try that again. Here goes the earth-shattering revelation-- I'm a writer.

Did I mention that yet?

Okay, so I am a published writer and poet. How come you have never heard of me? Well, who are you? There are hundreds of writers you don't know. That's not my fault. Now you have heard of me.

I have always been a writer and a poet. That has never changed. My entire life is simply job training for who and what I really am, a minister, writer, poet, and speaker. Each of these occupations requires broad exposure and experience in life and I am thankful to have had this immense opportunity to see so much in my life from the highs to the lows and in-between.

After all that, it only takes five words to describe me: minister, writer, poet, and speaker. If someone had taught me how to play an instrument, I swear I'd be a musician too. As it is, I peck away at a piano and a few of my cohorts have told me they thought I played well. That's when I stop and stare at them and wonder what makes them tick. I just make stuff up as I play and there is no musical understanding in it. But to a few rare, and perhaps ill, people, I am a musical giant. Step aside Mozart. Who am I kidding?

So now you know my big claim, that my life is just job training. That's what I tell people, anyway-- so humor me, okay? Let me have my day. I thank you in advance for your cooperation.

Well, I could go on and on. I'm a writer, remember. But the night is gone and the morning draws nigh, and I actually have an important business meeting tomorrow, as well as a rehearsal for a short production I'm involved in. Oh yeah, I forgot, I act a little too. But I actually just act like I act a little and it seems to work. Don't tell anybody.

Remember, it's job training. It's all part of this thing I do where I just act like I know what I'm doing and in the end I find out that I know more about what I am doing than I think I do. Better read that sentence again. It really does make sense. I promise.

So that describes me for the moment. At least what I want to say about me right now in regards to my whole life being job training. I didn't mention my hobbies and interests. They won't number thirty-seven, like my jobs, but they'll get darn close. My hobby list is for the hopelessly lost, and since they are lost, they must not be reading this, so there is no sense in putting the list here.

So what does one of such diverse and wild experience have to say to others?

Don't regret who you are. No sniper got you either, did he? Just enjoy your life and live it to the fullest, and try to make someone else's day just a little bit better. And by all means, read more of my stuff. I've had a lot of training, right? I think it's worth a look. If you got through this essay intact, the rest is cream pie. Thanks and God bless you.