Watering My Envy

Watering My Envy
By
Mike McCallum Jr.


It’s hard to catch your breath when your mind is trying to hold it. Anticipation marks the early warning system that pushes you towards your next fear, your next tribulation. I want. I want and I need. I want to see that perfect person inside of me. I need to be the person God created. I am the person that has instead pulled up short and questioned. Every night the playback of my life loops around with no end. The feature presentation is titled “Missed Opportunity and the Status Quo”. If only I could believe. A belief so strong that it would blind all vision of the outside world. A world that continually tempts me. Continually seduces me. Calls my name in the quiet hours of the night. It’s hard not to be hard on myself. If pity and shame were my brothers, their father would be my conscience.

I remember when the sweet, turbulent cry of youth poured out, uninhibited. When there were not enough hours in the day to play, laugh and dream. Time has caught me and tripped me up. The fear I have now is my fear of time. The sense that I have not accomplished. A sense that I won’t accomplish. The sense that I am missing out on my sense of time. I cannot live life today and worry about tomorrow. Worry is the burden that has broken my back. What is there to worry about? Exactly. I have everything that I could ever need but I cannot claim it as enough. My problems are rooted in envy and the roots run deep. If I could only quit watering them, I could get ahead