Job Hunt

NOTE: All dialogue "errors" are intentional.




I had been fired from the simplest job in the world-shoveling balls out of the pit at Chuck-E-Cheese and cleaning, then putting them back. I was told that I had done an “unsatisfactory job” and that “demanding $80 an hour is unreasonable” and that I was a “boisterous idiot”. Outraged, I only worked there for another week without pay before the police forcibly removed me from the building.

I immediately started searching for work-it’s difficult to pay insurance on a brand new Lamborghini without money-but no one wanted to hire me. Middle-school dropouts aren’t “qualified” for high-paying office-jobs, and some people don’t like it when authors “hyphenate-too-much”.

Upon requesting an application from PFC. Chang’s, a US Army themed Chinese buffet with a roller-coaster, I was told that the establishment only hired outdated Chinese stereotypes. Disgusted by this blatant racial discrimination, I completely forgot why I needed money in the first place and made it my #1 priority to get a job at PFC. Chang’s.

On the way home, I rented a bunch of crappy disguise movies and watched them for ideas. Suddenly, inspiration hit like an intoxicated motorist and I began work on a brilliantly elaborate disguise. Using two pieces of clear tape, I taped back the corners of my eyes so that they would appear to be slanted.

On the way back to PFC. Chang’s, I smashed my car into everything that moved and a lot of things that didn’t. I was immediately accepted for a job maintaining the roller-coaster.

As I was checking the tracks, I began to sweat a bit. The tape became wet and stopped sticking, and my eyes returned to their original shape. Everyone in the room gasped in a way suggesting surprise, I checked my zipper.

“You not Chinese stereotype!” shouted the manager, “you fired!”

“Wait!” I said, “Is it not possible, nay probable that racial discrimination based on race is wrong?”

“No!” he replied, “You must reave PFC. Chang’s and never return!”

Outraged, I only worked there for another week without pay before the police forcibly removed me from the building. I was permanently banned from all PFC. Chang’s locations, and IP blocked from the official web site. It was then that I remembered why I needed a job. I quickly ditched my car and started a new life under the name Pedro Greene.

I lived happily ever after in Southern California with my celestial wife and 346 cats. Over time, I amassed a vast fortune of 300 million yen, the equivalent of $28,881,236.73, by opening an authentic Mongolian restaurant.

Even though I am down to my last cat, whose name just happens to be Genghis Khan, as well as my last jar of Tatar sauce, and my genuine Mongolian sword is notched and blunted, these are still happy times!

Anyone care to order some Italian?