What's It Called, Again?

What’s It Called, Again?

According to his teacher, and the school counselor, and the only psychologist belonging to my HMO, there is something wrong with my six-year old son, Harry. They tell me he doesn’t pay attention; that he’s fidgety, is always talking and acts the fool in class. Sounds just like me when I was growing up.

“So, what’s the prognosis, Doc?”

“Well, Mr. Ryder, all indications point to Childhood Hyperkinesis, or C.H.”

“C.H.?”

“Yes.”

“How do we fix it?”

“Ritalin. It's effective in treating Attention Deficit Disorder.”

“Attention…?”

“A.D.D.”

“A.D.D.? I thought he had C.H.”

“A.D.D.”

“Okay, what's the treatment for that?”

“Ritalin. It's effective in treating Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.”

“Hyper…?”

“A.D.H.D.”

“A.D.H.D.? I thought he had A.D.D.”

“A.D.H.D.”

“Okaaaay, what's the treatment for that?”

“Ritalin. It's effective for treating…”

“Never mind, Doc.”

It seemed the more letters he threw at me, the worse Harry's condition became.

“He has a disorder just because he’s an active, six-year-old boy?”

“Yes, I’m afraid so.”

“And the treatment is pumping him full of drugs.”

“Yes. It's very effective.”

“It may be effective, but I think it's C.R.A.P. There has to be another treatment for all of these letters.”

“There is, although it’s hardly used anymore. Back in the Fifties, before this disorder was diagnosed, they stumbled upon a method that inadvertently corrected this condition.”

“I like this better already. What’s it called?”

“But, it’s obsolete. It may not even work any longer considering today’s fast-paced society.”

“Try me.”

“Please, Mr. Ryder, you must understand. It’s so obscure, so antiquated, it’s no longer considered in these cases. It's all but outlawed in the blue states, and many of its techniques could possibly be construed as illegal by today's standards.”

“What is it?”

“Very well, Mr. Ryder. If memory serves, I believe they used to call it… ‘parenting.’”

***