Sample Edit

My thanks to the author who allowed me to use this excerpt of his novel as an example. I greatly appreciate it. I am not posting the whole edit, so some of the general remarks will not be elaborated on within the text. I am extremely mindful of copyright, and want to use as little of his work as possible.

Overall Impression:

I can see by my read through that you are going for a very particular style in this piece, and are developing a 'voice' that will be distinguishable as yours and yours alone. However, that said, my strongest overall impression of this chapter is confusion. This comes about for several reasons:

First: You switch tenses frequently. You write in past tense and present tense, switching sometimes several times in a paragraph, or even sentences. You need to choose one and stick with it. Due to the nature of your story and the ease of writing in the past tense, I would suggest that you go with that.

Second: You switch Point of View frequently, head hopping from one character to another. Although many writers write this way, you will notice that not many published writers use this POV and when they do, they switch POV's sparingly. This is because it is disorienting to the reader to be seeing the world from inside another person every few moments. There were times where you switch POV's in the middle of a paragraph.

Third: The speech patterns. I can understand why the literal translations of what Gates says to Rachel is awkward as he is not fluent, but when they are speaking to one another, even in whatever their native language is, the speech patterns are erratic and do not read naturally.

Although I understand you might want them to speak in a more formal and flowery way, I would just pose to you that you are trying to write a piece that is accessible to a broad audience, yes? You are writing a piece that is clearly meant to inspire and inform. Since you want to involve as many people as possible, I would suggest keeping the language as accessible as possible. Since the two men are from the future, their language patterns should be more modern anyway.

There are a couple of ways to get this across, but I wonder what is most important to your story? That they speak differently or that the reader finds the story easy and enjoyable to follow. If you truly want their speech to be awkward, you can gradually ease from the intitial pattern to something that is easier to follow. The reader will retain that atmosphere in their memory even though the way they speak smooths out.

Character Development:

There really is no character development in this chapter, due in large part to the fact that we divide our time three ways. I really would suggest sticking to one person per chapter... or at the most two, with a distinct separation such as * * * * * between their sections. Put us inside the character and let us experience the story through them. I have an idea of what the theme and purpose of this story is, but despite that, you want the story to be a good, entertaining read so that the message isn't lost.

There were some character irregularities that I will be pointing out in the text. Just places where the character seemed to act out of character for a moment... or switched the way they behaved.

Plot Development:

As this is the first chapter, we are just getting going, so not much to say about plot development at this point. I will elaborate more as we go on.

The Nitpicky Bits: Comments for improvement are indicated by a , things that I particularly liked by a My comments are in blue and suggestions for different wording are in red. Everything stated here is my opinion and merely a suggestion.

Another frosty, starry night watching over huddled sheep. -- This is not a complete sentence, but instead a fragment.

Your servant.’ -- This is just a preference, but I would make this prayer and it's closing to read more personally, to show us something of Rachel rather than like the closing salutation of a letter. What is her relationship to God? Since she is praying just spur of the moment to thank Him for the joy she is feeling, a hint of that would be great. It doesn't have to be overdone, just a few more words to add a personal touch. The prayer itself, for a favorite prayer, seems quite ummm... formal? like something you would recite by rote... like grace rather than something spurred by a rush of happiness and gratitude. So... making the end a little more personal can take what sounds like a rote prayer and make it Rachel's own.

She closed her eyes, drawing icy air deep into her lungs. She is happiest here, alone, tending her sheep. She was lucky in other ways, she knew. -- The first sentence is past tense, and the second is present tense, then the third goes back to past, and the next one is present again. Very important to stick to one.

As well, with the line, "She was lucky in other ways, she knew,"... That is telling. Put yourself inside Rachel and show me the experience of feeling that gratitude. Don't tell us that she feels lucky so much as show us why she feels lucky. If you don't want to go that way, a simple rephrasing will take some of the telling out... she could thank God within her prayer for all the blessings in her life... and say within that context how lucky she is.

Looking up again and smiling, she thinks of her brother. -- Here we start into what is usually called an info-dump. It is a block of the author's voice telling us information. You tell us a great deal... tell being the operative word. There are lots of ways to show us this information in a much more involving and entertaining way. Info dumps stop the story dead in its tracks. To do that to the story first off in the fourth line will cause a lot of people to lose interest. Of course, this is the exact opposite effect you want to have. You want to intrigue them to drag them further into the story.

So, how can you deal with all this info? First of all, what is really important for us to know? Will it become important for us to know that her family loves stories for instance? Will it be integral to the plot? If so, then, do we need to know it right now? Can it wait until the men get back to her tribe and can see the love of stories and the storytelling firsthand? Can we learn this piece of info at the same time that the other characters learn it? Seed the important information into the story where it is most relevant... and where we will remember it because we can associate it with something.

For instance, the rejection of the suitor... what if her mother brings it up in a way that shows us her disapproval? That way the info does triple duty... it tells us that this rejection has occurred, it shows something of the mother's character, and it shows the relationship between mother and daughter.

People can only remember so many pieces of info, so the info dump not only stops the story dead, it does so with info that will be mostly forgotten anyway. A little at a time where it is most relevant will help us remember and keep us reading.

Through him, she knew stories for each of the brightest stars. She knew the Roman, Greek, Egyptian, Phoenician, Zoroastrian, and of course, best knew the stories of her own tribe. -- This is a little choppy, repetitive and the last sentence is a fragment.

Rachel's heart teemed with Roman, Greek, Egyptian, Phoenician and Zoroastrian stories, but those of her tribe, the ones her brother had pinned to each of the brightest stars, stood as her favorites. Okay, that's kind of cheesey, but I am just whipping it off. Hopefully though, it shows you what I mean. I tried to put a little bit more character into it as well.

Hers was a family that craved stories, No comma like others craved air.

Her father, a master storyteller, was also a man of faith. -- Watch how much you use the 'be' verbs -- was, were, had... they are indicative of telling and of passive voice. Also, as I said before, really would love to see this man through his interaction with Rachel rather than the narrator telling me what he is like.

He believed the Lord leads others to salvation, without pushing. -- Here you have past tense for 'believed' then present for 'leads'... led would be correct. I think the key to keeping the tense straight will be for you to think of it as though you are looking back at the story. I think you switch to the present tense because of the immediacy of what you are saying. Like you intruded there for a second with the fact that you believe that the Lord leads people to salvation without pushing... does that make sense?

He did not insist that she or her brother worship in his way, but could choose their own. He did not even push her to marry, even though all her friends had married.

Father was happiest when she was happy. -- A tiny bit of rewriting to remove the be verbs. Also very telling. How does she know her father is happiest when she is happy? Paint me a picture of the emotional link between Rachel and her father using words.

Marriage was her mother’s job. -- This sentence threw me. When she thought about how her father didn't push her to marry, I figured that it was because he knew she would marry when she found the right person, etc. This sentence made me wonder whether you meant that her mother's job was being married, or getting her married off. If the second one, it seems to contradict the previous thoughts about her father not pushing her to marry.

With this thought Rachel manages a crooked smile, and shuddered. -- Here again, the first half of the sentence is present tense, after the comma it turns to past.

Mother was difficult, but she loved Mother, and she knew Mother loved her. -- Wow... so was it her mother? LOL Sorry... but it is a little repetitive to use Mother three times in the sentence.

If she just wasn't so demanding, like when Rachel rejected Timothy's …

The thought was erased by a pure white sky. Just white. Then it was gone, leaving her blind for the moment. She wondered if it was her imagination, but within her eyelids she saw the outline of a person, a shadow cast in white. She opened her eyes, realizing the hill in front of her had caught her own shadow. That meant the light came from behind. -- I found this hard to follow. I suggest having her either not start the thought or finish it. The way it is, the reader goes into the description of what happens expecting her to finish her thought... so then we need to reset. Unfortunately, that reset doesn't happen before we start reading the description. That means we are several words in before we realize that we are reading something else and then have to either go back or pause. That sets us up mentally for confusion.

Then you go into a description of an event that you went through the effort to show us from inside her, having us experience it as she did. That is on the right track. I just found it a little hard to envision. The thought is erased by a pure white sky... I didn't realize that meant a bright flash of light at first. Perhaps a flash of light so bright that the sky turned white? (There are a lot of cases of 'was' in this passage. Try to rephrase to remove them.)

**A note on passive voice. I said before that the presence of was or were can indicate passive voice... that means that something is acting on the subject rather than the subject of the sentence acting. Here is a perfect example:

Note the difference between: The thought was erased by a pure white sky, and A pure white sky erased the thought. See how the second is more involving and active? Watch for those sneaky little fellows.

Okay... back to the description of the sky. The it was gone... how about... then it faded? or vanished? Remove the was. Also, when we get a flash of light, everything shows up as the opposite color... so... isn't it a white shadow against black? Anyway... even though you are describing the event from her POV, and she is confused and trying to figure out what happened, make sure that you paint me a concrete picture of what happens. She wouldn't just think... oh look, a white sky... she would know it was a brilliant flash of light, right? I do really like how she pieces it together though... very smart girl. I like that in a character.

She knelt quickly, grabbing her staff and turning, ready for a challenge. -- She knelt and turned and grabbed her staff all at once? Remember that when you use this sort of sentence structure it means that everything is happening at once. Her kneeling means that she can't possibly be turning at the same time. Maybe, something like:

She bent down, snatched her staff from the ground and spun, ready to face any challenge...

Also, watch the adverbs. As a rule, if it ends in ly, kill it. Adverbs are used to modify weak verbs. It is better to just use a stronger verb. She ran quickly? How about she sprinted instead? That sort of thing.

Her heart racing, muscles tense, she strained with ears and eyes to see what she was facing. Her first instincts were to protect the sheep. -- Small thing, but her first instinct was to protect the sheep. However, getting rid of the was would make it better still. My point though is the instinct to protect is one instinct so everything should be singular.

But they were blissfully unaware. Seconds passed as Rachel stood, staff in both hands, wondering. -- The sheep remained unaware. Also, she is just wondering? What is she wondering? Let me into her thought processes like you did during and immediately after the flash.

Then a rumble rolled across the land, like far off thunder. -- no need for a comma here.

She smiled and relaxed her grip. A gathering storm, no doubt. She let the staff fall, squinting into the distance.

The stars still shown brightly. -- shone.

There were no clouds, no other outbursts of Zeus, or reverberations of Vulcan. Was it a storm? -- Some rewriting would smooth things out, remove the were, and make the first sentence complete. No clouds covered the stars, and no further outbursts of Zeus or reverberations of Vulcan reached her ears.

Fully awake, curiosity aroused, she looked at her sheep. Peacefully asleep. She grasped her staff again, and strode into the hills, looking forward to living a new story. -- The way the first sentence is constructed, you have her fully awake and curious and looking at the sheep... it is a small thing, but the first parts of the sentence are not related to the sheep. So, I would have her look towards the origin of the flash and then look to her sheep as she reminds herself of her responsibility. As well, sheep at pasture sleep on and off all day and night, and graze all day and night, so not all of the sheep would be asleep. As well, since they are flock animals, the flash and thunder would have them up and alert if not spooked. Animals are very sensitive. They would know before she did that it wasn't a storm.

As well, Peacefully asleep is a fragment so should be combined with her looking at them.

As for the last line, it is very telling. As well, it intimates that she has lived other stories... since the only ones we have heard of are the ones her brother and family told her, that doesn't really match up. I would guess that she is excited because she is on the cusp of perhaps living her very own adventure story?