“Zzzz… Zzzz... Zzzz.”

“Zzzz… Zzzz... Zzzz...”

Is it just me? Or do all guys fall asleep after an intimate interlude. It’s not my fault. It just happens. It’s as if someone cut my hair and sapped all my strength. Hey, that’s how it was with Samson.

Now, I’m sorry to say that my girlfriend doesn’t achieve Shangri-La with every try. But, by the same token, I’m happy to say that I do. And shortly after that happens, I’m in the land of Nod and she’s content to watch me sleep until she dozes off. And, of course, I feel selfish when she can’t achieve. But then she'll say things like, “it felt good just the same,” or “it’s not the destination, it’s the journey,” or “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” I’m still trying to figure that one out.

We only see each other a couple of times a week, and sometimes it may be as long as a month before she finally reaches the big “O.” She says it’s because my bed doesn’t have a headboard, or because she’s stressed due to work, or she needs to plan things for her kids. But I know she’s just making excuses because she doesn’t want me to feel inadequate.

Well, I don’t feel inadequate. To be honest, I’m ecstatic that, at fifty-seven, everything still works. When I was twenty-five, I thought by this point in my life, my significant other would be a drool bucket.

I know it’s not the lack of a headboard, or the stress, or the kids, or too much light coming into the room (day sex only). Nope, it’s none of those things. It’s because she forgot her cowboy hat.

But even without her hat, occasionally she can focus enough to get to where she wants to go. And when that happens, everyone in the neighborhood knows she got there, too. I know this to be true, because I usually hear the sounds of the women-folk slamming their windows closed, or shepherding their curious youngsters into their backyards. My personal favorite is the dragging of applauding husbands away from the front of my house, quickly followed by a lengthy round of wifely chastising. I take a bow at the window and my girlfriend cringes, turns red and hits me.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my girlfriend and I would do anything within my power for her; the operative word being “within.” It’s not my fault that it’s a month between acquisitions for her. At least, I hope it’s not. It’s frustrating for a guy, not being able to get his girl to where she wants to go. And considering the energy I expend to help her accomplish her goal, I’m surprised that I don’t burn out long before she gets to say, “Yaaaa-hooooo!” But when she does, everything changes. Because, when she does, she wants to “talk” about it.

“Talk about it? What is there to talk about? You got it. I got it. Now, let’s go to sleep.”

“But, I think you’re just wonderful, that’s all.”

“Thank you, honey. I think you’re wonderful, too. Goodnight.”

“But you don’t understand.”

Yawn... “Understand what, honey?”

“I want you to understand how you make me feel.”

Sigh. “Okay, honey, how do I make you feel?"


At this point, a guy has two options: either pretend to be interested at the risk of drifting off to the melodic droning of her voice and face the music in the morning for being so insensitive, or – wear her down.


"Would you hand me the TV remote?"

“I was trying to tell you…”

“No, not that one, the other one… no, not that one, either… warmer… warmer… yeah. That one.”

“I was trying to tell you…”

Click!

“…the Whitehouse said today they would petition the United Nations for resolutions…”

Click!

“Martha…”

“John…”

Click!

“…and you too can find yourself behind the wheel of this brand spanking new…”

“I was trying to tell you… could you please turn that down a little so I can talk to you?”

“Huh? Oh, sorry honey. Now, what were you saying?”

“I was trying to tell you…”

“Hold that thought. I have to go to the bathroom.”

Flush!

“I was trying to tell you…”

“Wait. I’m going to get something to drink while I’m up. Do you want anything?”

“No. Just hurry up, please.”


“What have you got there? I thought you went for something to drink.”

“Well, I did. But all that activity made me hungry. So, since I was in the kitchen anyway, I made a ham sandwich. Want some?”

“No.”

“I have chips, too.”

“NO! “I was trying to tell you…”

“Where did you put the paper, honey? There’s an article on the Raven’s new quarterback I wanted to read. Oh, I’m sorry, honey. I know you had something on your mind. I’ll just go find it myself.”

So, when I finally made it back to the bedroom, I found her fast asleep, which is all I wanted to begin with.

“Ah, that’s my girl."

But, I better plan on making her breakfast in the morning.

***