moments of inebriation

there was a day, I remember well,
when it became impossible to remain hidden
         behind my closet doors
comforted by my winter clothes disguise, useless
         as I planned on a new nakedness…
no longer frightful of the punishment
         which had locked me there
         first in fear, battered into submission
         and passivity, then in refuge
there came a day when I had lost myself
         and could not claim my individuality
         rebelling against the brutality surrounding me
         afraid to welcome my sensitivity
         and pursue the tenderness of life

so one day I came out of this closet
confessing I was a simple lad who dreamed
         of holding another young man in my arms,
         tasting his salty kisses
         feeling protected in his arms
my mother's embrace was bitter with contempt
         I was not a perfect reflection of her desire
my father's strong arms knew only abandon,
         nothing of love
and in the closet of their delusions and unfaithfulness
I had grown lonely
imagining the ideal person to accompany me
         along the path called love
I desired companionship, someone
who might one day understand my suffering

he didn't come immediately into my life
for secrets between men are hard to tell,
         even during the moments
         of lustful inebriation
and emotions are often fugitive and frightened…
but I have found truth in my own eyes
having left my prison of fear and contempt
to find, oh so slowly, a new way
to love myself, in the mirror
of the eyes of a man I cherish


moments of inebriation
27 november, 2006
[2006.26.11…b]