The Mistake

The Mistake

         


Wide awake, my house is dark, it is after one am. The dreaded insomnia has caught me and I am up late, again.  Worries and lots of things troubling me, but Pixie, my little puppy, is sleeping safe under the covers, she's warm and snuggled up warm laying very close to me.
                Here is how my sad story begins....


           

The Intuition

 
  I knew something would happen. To spoil my plans ....."Of course", I thought.  "Here we go again".  The feeling of dread-  It came upon me like it did when I let my son slip away from me.  A tearing of my heart into two. Make no mistake the pain so haunting so much that I have wished for death. "What in the world am I going to do"? 
Stopped dead in my tracks and I was left to think. I could hear the snap and crack of the break.The sound of my heart breaking and it was sinking too, like a wounded ship, At the hand and result of letting someone else make a decision for me. A choice that jeopardized once again and it has brought cold, depressing fate to my door.  Selfish, how people can be, only if I could have had some forsight and know then what I know now.  I wouldn't have made that choice that changed my life forever as you will see.  This experience and loss has drove me almost to the point of insanity. Surrounded by guilt and heartache. Living with regret for a mistake that I have made is something that I will have to do for as long as things remain the same.
I shake my head and I hate to admit it, but I really don't have much faith in the the "Power of Will" ."Where is my way, I have the will"

    I feel at times, that forces or something negative is working against me and it is revealing its ugly head.  Reminding me daily, that alone I am to live. This is very hard for me with all the love that I have inside for my family to deal with on my own.  I know that I am a fighter. Surviving a horrible house fire, losing everything that I owned and having to make the decision while life was in total turmoil to let me son temporarily live with his father so he wouldn't have to begin a new school year with no belongings or a home to come home to.... I just can't see the end of the tunnel yet, but for the record, I am not going to give up on getting him back where he belongs even though at times I want to let go and feel that I am not strong enough for the battles ahead to which I am and have been enduring.  A test of faith has been handed to me.  I guess you could say that I haven't done too well. I still have some hope that my silver lining will reveal and the rainbows of joy will soon bless my family.

Life, right now, is not so lucky for me.  I can't seem to get ahead lots of issues drowning, flooding my head.  The signs are very clear at times that my happiness is lost and I will roam endless with misery and despair.  I think also that it is time for a positive change, although unclear with my inner voice and what is being said.  One big problem of mine.  have  always listen to my heart and not with my head.
[A definite  short coming and I believe a distraction that distorts my way of thinking properly] 
Signs are present and things ARE going to change for me.  I have to believe.
I don't know maybe this is all just the same bad dream, but a different day.  Have you ever felt like this?    A part of me can't help but wonder,"Why are things as they be"?  Maybe, my mind is playing tricks on me.
Strange these feelings that I have at times so strong when approached in helping someone.  Strangers and those friends that are dear to me.  I have helped so many.  Giving advice and helping them to see.  Strength and blessings all to them.  Right and sound I see things and outcomes of so many.  A blank I draw though when it has to deal with me.  My  thoughts and dismay?  I honestly am trying to be happy and positive for my good fortunes to come bearing  gifts for my family.  I am listening to what my inner voice is saying to me.  My instincts clouded and gray, I am trying to think positive holding no grudges even those who tested my faith. I just would like some peace and to have what I need..Not even anymore than that. Really, that is what I mean.

I am listening hard to what the voice is saying inside, but sometimes I feel that my hearing is pushed aside.  I am not sure where I am going I am getting mixed vibes and many signals.  I want my son to be back with me. I want to live instead of wanting to die and crying all the time.wrong to be selfish this way, to want to get him before a bill is paid?
Family and bills two separate things, no comparison.  My family and not to disappoint the only one that matters.  At an expense that isn't going to matter.  A brighter place I will be when my son takes my hand and he comes home again.  Enough, he has enough to deal with school and spends too much time alone.  Never do I want him to feel that his mom won't be there. Feelings I had to deal with growing up in unloved and a disastrous home. 

I have no where to turn to help with my ordeal.  A time that I could really have hate in my heart.  Oddly, I don't feel much of anything let alone.. I wait and the clock is ticking.  Time is running out.  I have to drive and get him I need to see him. I can't bear to disappointment that he is going to feel.  He is a child and shouldn't have
to be put through this ordeal. 
  God knows I can't do that to him.  Let downs and disappoints I have had many.  It hurts so bad, a worthless feeling you don't ever lose. Worthless, it takes you for a ride and dumps you in the darkest place, like being in a nightmare the worst kind of dream.  The only thing though is that the nightmare isn't a dream and this is real.
A scary place to be when you have insecurity.  I hope and pray someone is listening to me. 
  Confused I am not fully sure how everything should be layed.  I have made so many mistakes, I can't afford anymore, I am finished with things that are not good for me
I am looking for the key to succeed.  I don't want to play the game of sadness any longer.  Please help me to escape I want to live and have so much more.  I am not sure what is next in store.



 

The Letdown¬

I was planning a trip to pick up my favorite person in the world today. Getting things together holiday spirit in the air, this is my favorite time of the year. My Christmas shopping, that I had completed earlier in the year, was complete. The only thing missing was my son. Smiles from ear to ear while preparing for the thirteen hour trip so I could leave without delay. Then, in the next moment as quickly as I proceeded to say that I would be leaving and heading to the beautiful state south, The wind was taken out of my sail. Devastated, I smacked the pavement hard without grace. Nearly ripping off my average looking face and the bruise that was left behind, so huge it hurt me clear down inside. Nothing can release this pain that I am in. The hopes that I had....Gone, taken in that wind. Another letdown story of my life though drear as it may sound to you. One minute happy, then gone poof like it didn't even exist. It's like a tease or a glimpse of happiness or what it should be, normal people at least that is what I perceived. Most things that happen to me vanish and my happiness is taken away from me. It is horrible to have a plan and look forward to something and the sacrifice that goes with it. Very difficult for a woman that suffers with depression and has to deal with so much loss anyway. Disappointed, what a depressing time now, I was trying to deal with the current issue at hand. I am not giving up and somehow if within some miracle I will go and pick up my son before the Christmas Day.
     
      Why would someone or something try to keep two people that need to be together apart? A son or daughter needs to be with their parents the efforts are most difficult when you have not income, due to an injury, and fighting to keep a float. Anger fills my heart, filling it to the top of deepest pure red. I am usually very kind and not a hot head. This last almost now for over two years has been an uphill battle for me struggling with changes that surround me and with the possible work environment change. It bothers me to have these feelings inside. I cry all the time. I had managed through the year of two-thousand five, despite lack of income and the healing process from an extensive surgery earlier in the year, I went three times and was able to spend lots of time with my son. We didn't have much money, but I was even able to get him last year for Christmas and we were just happy to be together. The ripping of my heart when we parted was like the time when he first had left me. A heart break all over again. My son wishes to be back at home permanently with me, but the forces of greed lay within preventing this from happening. I want nothing except to be with my son. Now, that is a distant dream. Miracles happen I know they do but I can't help the feeling of worry when things look so grim. And the fate of my life and income is due to greed and shortcuts of a company's hand. On the other hand, most would probably say that all is my fault. I can accept that. I can't forgive myself for the decision that I had over three years ago. I can't change that now though, and lonely, sad and misery is what I have for making that mistake. Someone above knows what and why I did what I did. They also know how I feel now and not only regret that decision, but the cost of my sanity that lays within. I set him free. The pain I can't explain, only those who have gone through can even begin to understand.