Gone

It seemed this day would never arrive, and now the fanfare was not what I had hoped. It should be heralded from the rooftops "It is a year and day since the universe changed your life." I thought I would wake up today and everything would be different. It should be different. Today is the first day I could wake up and reach across the bed and say a year ago today he wasn't here. The indention in the side of the bed was gone months ago, but the one in my mind, that one was supposed to fade today.

I had it circled on the calendar. Today you wake up and you don't think last year at this time we were laughing over an article in the paper, a quote from our dimwitted President. Because a year ago today you woke up to just the indent in the bed and the reality that a phone call could crush your chest with the magnitude of a few words. I never knew I would grow to hate "I am sorry". We said it didn't we a thousand times in the course of 15 years. I am sorry over the small things, a spilled cup of tomato juice on the Sunday paper. The big things "you are just like your father. I am sorry I ever married you." But on the phone, my name in an unfamiliar mouth, followed by "I am sorry." I heard static; I am sorry and gone. For a minute I was struck dumb. Sorry. Gone. Who was gone? Why were you sorry? Who were you to me?

Then I realized he was the cop. The one that was randomly called to what did he call it? The scene of the accident? It was an accident. Like bumping into someone in line. It was an accident. After it happened I noticed certain words and phrases took on a new meaning. "An accident waiting to happen." Is that what this had been? We thought we were happy, but we were an accident waiting to happen. I thought when peole found me walking the streets, all disoriented, and they ask what changed your life. I thought I would laugh when I said an accident. Yes, an accident changed my life. Watch out they are waiting to happen!

For a year these are the thoughts I woke up to everyday. Today it was supposed to be different. Today was the first day of the rest of my life. A year ago today you were gone. A year ago today I had to find a way to get out of bed and reach into the indention that was still physically there in bed. You were still there, the scent of you. The feel of your back against mine when you wanted to wake me up and I wanted to sleep in so I pretended not to feel you. "I'm sorry. I did not know you would be gone." Those words mark you forever. Such simple words. Now when people say them they lower their eyes and their voices. they whisper as if it does not scream in my mind everday and every night. "I'm sorry. Her husband is gone. It was an accident."

Today was the day to reclaim those words to lift up my voice and eyes and say " I am sorry. My husband is gone." I was supposed to feel better today. The ghost was no longer walking behind whispering, "remember when we were here last year?" It was supposed to stop becasue you weren't here last year. There was an accident a stupid, random, life changing accident waiting to happen. You were gone. Here, when you kissed me good-bye so randomly "love you." What was I doing? Did I really listen? Did I say "love you too or see ya?" Then a phone call later, gone. Not for the weekend, forever.

I used to laugh we said "I love you" everytime we left the house without each other. I always said you never know what might happen. But I knew. I believed nothing would happen. I said Love you, so I would be ready. So I would not regret, gone. But I have never regretted anything more. Today is not the day of my emancipation, as I circled on the calendar. You are still gone.