Happy New Years Resolution?

Happy New Years Resolution

Well, it's New Years again, a new beginning, a fresh start. A time when our willpower soars and our minds feel as strong as steel, a time to put things into perspective.

Yeah, right, we do this every year. Every single January 1st after yelling Happy New Year at each other and setting up glorious goals to better ourselves, we make these hollow promises because were suppose to, it’s an age-old tradition, the New Years Resolution!

Well, from personal experience, they don’t last. Did you promise to lose some weight? How about smoking? Those are the big two. I make those damn resolutions every year and this is how it goes for me: I wake up around noon on January 1st and walk into the kitchen past trays of cookies, candy, chocolate, cakes, pies, and whatever else I have been feasting on for the last two weeks. I’m still pretty tired from being up all night, and I sure as hell don’t feel like cooking anything, so I heap up a plate with tasty chocolate chip cookies, and any other sugar coated delights I can fit on my oversized platter tray. I then proceed to fill up the biggest mug I can find with some hot steaming Columbian coffee, grab some napkins, walk out to the living room and turn on the idiot tube. Sure enough, no matter what channel I left the television on the night before, it will automatically, and mysteriously, be tuned into a bunch of chipper sexy babes doing exercises in skimpy leotard outfits within some tropical setting. Being that I just woke up, I’m really not in the mood to listen to some happy hyper girl telling me to touch my toes ten times in a row, even if I could find a long enough stick for some added help. Anyhow, I would probably be too tired and wobbly to do it and just might end up stabbing and impaling the cat.

I place my 40 pound tray of sugar coated delicacies, along with my half gallon of Juan Valdez personally hand picked java bean brew down next to my chair, and I spend the next fifteen minutes hunting through all the couch and seat cushions for the remote control. After some good hard thinking, I remember my wife had knitted a nice red and green colored holiday remote control holder and hung it on the side of my chair. I notice it’s gone, but I have a pretty good inkling of its whereabouts.

The next five minutes is spent wrestling the cat out of my Christmas tree for the remote holder and after I get a few good bleeding claw slices and piercing fang bites all over my hands, I win and finally gain possession of this lazy man's device. I then proceed to flip on the Mummers parade to watch some of my nutty friends dancing and walking around Philadelphia in weird feathered outfits playing fun songs on stringed instruments as I continuously snicker while mindlessly stuffing my face with cookies. I realized its raining and they are showing reruns so I pop in a DVD and watch my son's skateboard friends doing crazy strange things in their new movie Jackass 2, which I must say is even funnier then the first one. If you liked the first one, you will really like their second one. If you are not familiar with it, I would suggest renting them both and be ready for some really funny stuff. The second one is twice as crazy as the first: Beehive limo, Fire hose rodeo, and the Pubic beard guy are funny as hell. Anyway, I’m stuffing my face and laughing my ass off when I suddenly remember my resolution to diet, so I put down the cookies and fire up a smoke.

Ahh, that after meal fire stick of pure pleasure, nothing more relaxing and soothing.
It suddenly dawns on me that I promised to quit that too. Damn, how could I possibly do both? Well you can’t, and here’s why: to quit smoking you need something to do with your hands and your mouth, that’s why they call it a habit, so you will eat everything and anything you can find to keep from smoking. We also know that nicotine is addictive and has calming and stress relieving effects, so while were gorging ourselves we are getting depressed and extremely edgy with how much weight we are now gaining. How do we combat this compulsive eating? We start smoking again! Now we are fatter, still smoking, and as an added bonus we get a cool dose of depression for our efforts!

I am so happy I made those damn New Years resolutions! Next year I am making a resolution to not make any more New Years resolutions and hopefully there will be a Jackass 3.