PTA Meeting

Now don't get me wrong. I have nothing against the PTA (that's Parent-Teacher Association for the uninitiated). In fact, I think it's a great organization. I just don't care for the meetings.

Take tonight's, for instance. The only reason I attended the PTA meeting was because my son was performing with his class. It started out simple enough. We all stood for the Pledge of Allegiance. Then the speaker began to recount the last minutes of the previous meeting. The microphone wasn't cooperating, so we only heard part of what she said. For all I know, they'd agreed to buy a rocket to Mars.

She then started talking about what the PTA was planning to buy in the way of playground equipment. Her mike cut in and out fitfully. I think the school is getting a new guillotine with a complete set of iron maidens. Don't quote me on that though.

Once she'd finished with those questionable plans, she began speaking about PTA membership. She informed us that the number of members were down this year and then something along the lines if all the parents didn't join up, she would make sure bad things would happen to us. Very motivational, if you ask me.

Suddenly, it was time for the third graders to get up on stage. They filed in solemnly, looked quite bewildered. Without warning, a horrible song full of simian yodels filled the school cafeteria. The kids started to sing, I suppose. I couldn't really tell over the ear-bleedingly loud music. They went through a series of desperate charades that I later learned were dance motions.

After another song that was just as loud, they left the stage and the fourth-graders came on. My Eric trooped up into place with his classmates. I don't really remember the first song they did, but it involved some of the kids holding up signs at key points in the lyrics. I believe one sign read, "Help me!".

The last bit of entertainment (or torture, from the kids' point of view) was R. Kelly's "The Greatest". I think the music teacher cranked up the volume for it, because my ears started to ring. The poor children had to gesture with the words, sometimes nearly gouging out each other's eyes.

They were brave little soldiers though, and stuck with it to the end. We parents applauded with much gusto. Probably due to the fact we were happy it was finally over. The principal grabbed the mike and got all choked up about the last song's positive message. At least, that's what I was hoping. From the way she was speaking, she sounded like the Tasmanian Devil. With a lisp.

That darn mike again.

So there you have my action-packed evening at a typical PTA meeting. I find them a bit boring and more than a little fluff-filled. Too bad the kids have to sing such lame songs. They did that to me and my sister when we were young, too. I figue it must be a conspiracy of evil music teachers. Too bad we can't send them off to Mars. In a rocket.