A Home-Remedy Christmas

A Home-Remedy Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas
And I was standing in line
At the security check-in
And feeling just fine

I had arrived at the airport
With three hours to spare
Nothing would stop
My trip home to St. Claire

It would not be like last year
All hassle and stress
Then getting sick on the way
What a horrible mess!

Take three hundred strangers
From the freezing cold rain
And jam them so tight
In an over-packed plane

It is a holiday recipe
For colds and for flu
And I used to think
There was nothing to do

But last year my mom
Shared secret wealth
Her tried and true methods
For preserving her health

Vick's Vapors were wafting
From my chest liberally coated
Bringing eucalyptic joy
To the many who noted

That would stave off a cold
Of that there's no doubt
Which left only the flu
But mom figured that out

A moist mustard plaster
Applied on the back
Would stop those flu bugs
From their annual attack

So I'm standing in line
In my vaporous fog
When a K9 policeman
Walks by with his dog

The pooch starts to whine
Starts to quiver and growl
Its nose sniffing the air
It went on the prowl

I watched with mild interest
As it ran to and fro
Getting ever so closer
Its agitation did grow

Till finally it stopped
And looked up at me
And I swear in its eyes
I saw dark evil glee

All the holiday travelers
So close-packed before
Now gave me my very own
Space on the floor

The officer struggled
To keep the great beast at bay
"Please come with me sir
Please walk this way"

I followed the pair
In a bit of a daze
I couldn't see any problem
With my home-remedy haze

Soon we were joined
By officers two, three, and four
And all of us trooped
Through a white, unmarked door

Inside there stood waiting
An enormous old man
Stretching a new latex glove
Over each meaty hand

"This will just take a moment"
He said from his chair
"Please take off your clothes
And put them right there"

I sputtered and muttered
And did loudly complain
Until that wee little Taser
Unleashed hellish pain

I writhed on the floor
While that dog licked my ear
And I began to know worry
I began to know fear

I meekly stripped down
To my Hanes underwear
And clamped my knees tight
And put my hands...um...down there

At least Mom's advice
About wearing clean shorts
Spared a shred of pride
And some derisive snorts

My chest was wrapped tightly
In a long piece of gauze
And this seemed to give
The policemen some pause

They poked and they prodded
And they patted me down
They consulted their radio
With a puzzling frown

Till the old man in gloves
Told them all to just stop
And tore at that gauze
Spinning me round like a top

And what did they see
In their cold secret room
But a smearing of Vick's
On a mustard-plastered buffoon

Then they started to laugh
To chuckle and chortle
And thrust me near naked
Out that white unmarked portal

Twas the morning of Christmas
When we finally touched down
With the sniffles and snuffles
All going around

But not me, my friend
I was fit as a horse
Thanks to Vick's Vapor Rub
And mustard plaster, of course!