Why Can't I Just Say It?

         Last night, I was laying in bed just getting over a migraine.  I can hear kids running around and the television going.  Then I start thinking about my husband.  It occurs to me that there’s not much time before he has to go to sleep.  He works pretty early, so there is a time limit on initiating sex.  At this point, I’ve decided to really get him going.  I call him into the bedroom and ask him to put the kids to bed early.  When he asked why, I had every intention of telling him that I’d like to have his … in my mouth by 8:30.  But when he asked me, I couldn’t do it. I just froze up. 
         So, after he left the room, puzzled, I was upset with myself.  After all, I’ve been working really hard on being assertive in our sexual encounters. I am no longer afraid of what he’ll think of me if I put his … in my mouth.  I can touch, bite and lick anywhere I want.  But I still can’t tell him what I want.  There has to be a reason for this block.
         I can’t go to that cliché of blaming my parents.  They were pretty open, as parents go, about sex.  Well, I should say that they didn’t object to me having sex.  I was on the pill and had boyfriends sleeping over in my bed at fifteen.  Unfortunately, aside from where you put it and that it felt good, my mother wasn’t very instructional.  So, my parents aren’t to blame for my hesitancy, just my ignorance.
         I suppose it comes from my friends growing up.  Their views were solely to blame for my aversion to the blowjob.  Sex was no big deal.  We all lost our virginity in middle school.  Strangely, this was not a stigma.  But if you put your mouth anywhere below a guy’s waist, that gained you a nasty reputation.  To call a girl B.J. or any form of the word meant she was the lowest of sluts.  It took me years to realize that I should not care what my friends would have thought of my current sexual behavior.  Now, I thoroughly enjoy having all that power in my hands, and wherever else I choose to put it.
         Maybe, I just need to look at this dirty talk problem objectively.  If I can tell him what I want, he won’t hesitate to do it.  After all the things we’ve tried, I shouldn’t be embarrassed.  It’s not like he’ll leave if I ask him to tie me up.  No one else is going to hear me.  I left him a note this morning about what I want to do to him tonight.  I think I’ll try saying it face to face later.  I have to walk the talk.  Right?