Interview With The Van Tire

WANK magazine lifestyle section's roving reporter, Dirk Manion, caught up with a relatively unknown member of our community, an all-season tire on a Chevy Ventura van. This fellow, we learned, is quite a radical radial. Dirk brought us back this interview.

WANK: First I'd like to say thank you very much for meeting with us today and doing this.

Van Tire: Hey, I'm just in my parking space buddy. You came to me remember?

WANK: Yes, well, I mean thank you for your time. The first thing I'd like to ask you is ‘Have you always wanted to be a van tire or did you start out as something else?'

VT: Well, when I was young I wanted to be a tire on a hot sports car, like a Testerosa or even a corvette. But as I got older, I realized that only a small percentage of guys make it into that kind of lifestyle. I didn't want to spend my life chasing something that was never gonna happen so I decided to be practical. But now I can't imagine being anything other than a van tire and I don't think that I'd want to be. I guess you could say I found my niche.

WANK: I see. My next question is ‘If you weren't a van tire, what would you be?'

VT: I just told you. I found my niche as a van tire. How many times do you want me to say it buddy? Niche, niche niche!

WANK: I see. Okay, next I was hoping you could tell us what it's like to be a van tire. What is a typical day like for you?

VT: Well, as you know, vans generally carry heavy loads. So, we van tires are built for tough jobs. I won't pretend that it's easy work ‘cause it's not. This isn't an area where you'll find a lot of lightweights. If you're say a one or two body ply tire then this work isn't for you - get on with a Ford Escort in the car pool or somethin'. Another thing is the abuse that we take from these dogs out for walks. I want to say something to your readers if I may. If you've got a dog, get the thing neutered. I don't need your pooch leaving his message on my white walls.

WANK: Yes, that's very interesting. Next, could you tell us what is the best thing about being a van tire?

VT: Yeah that's easy. It's the chicks. There's a mysterious, bad-boy image associated with being a van. You know in the movies you've got these bands of organized criminals that always use a van to pull their jobs or move their product. Chicks really dig that kind of thing. There's ‘Heat,' ‘Ocean's 11,' ‘A-Team,' I could go on and on. Another thing is that guys who drive vans often have a bed in the back and they get a lot of girly action. Speaking of that, there's something I wanna say about that. When you think about a guy getting lucky in his van, the component people think of most often is the shock absorber. Like if he's with a really big girl, his buddies will say " Hey, are you sure your shocks are strong enough for a big date like that?" Or if the guy is with a really, really hot chick he'll say "I'm gonna shag so hard my shocks are gonna get worn out." But I just wanna say that the van tire is the real unsung hero in all that. Without a quality tire inflated at the right pressure, it's gonna be like slam dancing against a brick wall.

WANK: I see. Thank you for that. Next, do you have any interesting anecdotes about your experiences?

VT: Yeah, I mean just last week my crew was working, I don't wanna tell you what we were doing, but we got jammed up and we had to get away really fast. Tony, the wheelman, was all over the place. It wasn't his fault ‘cause we really had to get the hell out of there. So, anyway, he hits the curb doing 60 miles an hour and I ram against it hard. In that situation 4 out of 5 tires are gonna do the same thing. They're gonna stiffen up, the pressure is gonna explode and blow out their sidewalls. But what I did is I played it cool. My material is made from a specially galvanized rubber that's designed to stretch. I relaxed and I ballooned out quite a bit but I snapped right back into shape without so much as a crack. We were all real relieved we could 4X4 like that and all our asses were saved.

WANK: It sounds very interesting. It certainly is interesting. Now, I can see that you are a back tire. At some time will you become a front tire or perhaps switch back and fourth?

VT: No, absolutely not. I don't go that way. Not that there's anything wrong with that but I know that I'm a back tire and I'm comfortable with that and very secure about it. Next question.

WANK: I see. You certainly are a tire on the back of the van and...

VT: If you're just gonna repeat the same thing over again then what's the point?

WANK: Right. Well, lastly, for how much longer will you be a "back" van tire?

VT: What are you winking for? If you're trying to imply something why don't you just come out and say it and don't be a big pussy?

WANK: I know that it's very hot out today. My question is ‘What are you going to do after you retire from being a van tire?'

VT: Oh, well, I mean I have a dream of getting planted in a real nice park as part of those kids' playgrounds such as what they have in those upscale areas you know? But that's far, far down the road. Now, I'm happy with what I'm doing and I want to travel and see the country.

WANK: Well, you've told us so much today. Thank you for speaking with us and I can tell you that I'll think differently about my tire maintenance from now on.

VT: Buy a tire gauge and use it often.

WANK: Thank you. It was a pleasure to meet you and have a nice day.

VT: Hey, I like your necktie. What do you call that pattern? Is it paisley?

WANK: I must go I have an appointment.

VT: Uh..okay, g'bye then.