Telemarketers

I used to get a lot of calls from telephone solicitors. On an average night, I'd get at least two or three. Usually my caller ID would tip me off and I'd simply ignore them. But sometimes, if I were feeling silly or ornery, I'd pick up.

My two favourite types of calls were the ones where they'd either try to sell me something or they'd ask my opinion on a certain subject.

Pity the fool who would attempt to interest me in purchasing siding or windows! I'd cheerfully tell them I lived in a wattle and daub half-timber frame house with stretch oiled canvas windows. Or I resided in a pop-up camper. That'd quickly discourage even the most determined sales pitch. Hit 'em with obscurity!

Whenever I'd get someone wanting my take on a political subject (whether it was gun control or legalizing drugs or whatever), I would certainly be opinionated! However, I'd go on a long rant completely unrelated to their question. I liked to bemoan how the government was hiding the fact that aliens were trying to take over the world. How George Washington was a huge pothead that profited from raising massive marijuana crops. How I thought Kermit the Frog was the Antichrist. Usually they'd start laughing before they hung up on me.

I remember one woman who got rather baffled after she delivered her home security spiel. In a hushed tone, I asked her if the system would keep out the poltergeists because my house was full of them. She was quiet for a moment before she replied that there was a panic button I could push. It wasn't until I went into full paranoid mode about specters and spooks that she finally hung up on me. I never laughed so hard after her call.

Now that I am registered with the National Do Not Call list, I don't get any telemarket calls. I'm not saying I miss them, because I don't. But interjecting offbeat humour into some random solicitor's otherwise mundane job was often enjoyable.