Faded, Not Erased

         Raindrops bounced from the aluminum roof of the trailer like loose change. Zoe, stood looking out at the mud through the kitchen window of her trailer home.  Faded blue and white gingham curtains framed the window. They were quaint, yet sad, reflecting a lifestyle that was desired but never achieved.
         Zoe’s chin-length hair, the color of espresso beans, was pressed flat against her head on one side and frizzy on the other.  It was 1:00pm, and she’d just woken up.  From behind a hollow door, she could hear Darcy taking a shower in a stall hardly wide enough to bend his elbows.  She was impressed.  Darcy rarely showered twice in one week. 
         Zoe poured a steaming cup of instant coffee from a hot pot and wondered if the rain would stop before she had to ride across town to work.  She caught her reflection in the windowpane and muffled a groan, noting how much her cheekbones stood out. Her skin was the color and texture of eggshells, and her hair, starved of essential vitamins, had lost its luster.  Everything about Zoe was faded, except for her eyes:  in their dark shining pools could be seen a ferocious will to live that refused to back down.
         Darcy came out of the bathroom with a once-white towel around his waist, chased by a cloud of steam.  His wet, shaggy black hair clung to his face and neck, and a few water droplets dangled from the end of his beard.  Darcy’s hazel eyes were forever lidded and bloodshot, giving him a perpetual look of someone half-dead.          Zoe poured some more coffee into a mug for him, and Darcy nodded his gratitude.  They sat down at the card table and stared off in different directions.  Steam rose from their mugs and hung around their faces before fading to nothing.  Half an hour passed this way, not a word offered between the supposed boyfriend and girlfriend, just the metallic tapping of rain on the roof and the occasional slurp of coffee.
         Finally, Darcy got up, rinsed out his coffee cup and left it in the sink.  He then unwrapped the towel from his waist, leaned over, and rubbed his hair vigorously.  His fleshy naked body had once been an object of fascination, but held little charm for Zoe anymore. She’d been sleeping next to it every night for about two years now: she knew all of its secrets.
         As he raised his head up and let his hair fall where it would, he looked out the window and frowned. Zoe tried to read his face, but there was nothing there. She stood up to see what had captured his attention.
         A candy-apple red Chevy Beretta sloshed and splashed its way over the road under the gray sky, windshield wipers flinging away the mud that jumped up from their tires.  Surprisingly, it pulled into their own dirty driveway and approached the trailer. It was impossible to see past the wiper blades to the faces inside.
         The windshield wipers paused mid-wave and the headlights flickered out as the car came to a stop. The driver’s door opened, and out stepped a man with short black hair in a green collared shirt, jeans, and hiking boots. He slammed his door and jogged around to the passenger’s side. That door, too, opened, and a black umbrella emerged and rose up as the passenger got out with the man’s help. The door was slammed shut, allowing the gawking pair in the trailer at the window to get a good look.
         A wave of blood surged to Zoe’s face, making her ears ring. She shook her head, trying to chase away the image of the woman with the baby—baby?—standing by the car, but there she remained.  She was stirred to life when Darcy yelped and withdrew the hand she’d been clawing.  Zoe shooed him into the bedroom, hissing orders to get dressed. Her heartbeat shook her ribcage. Dizziness hit her like a brick wall and she leaned against the back of a chair. Her worst nightmare was standing right outside. 
         A knock rang cautiously on the aluminum door. Zoe didn’t move. More knocks, more urgent. A male voice shouted, “Hello? Anyone home?” Zoe’s inner demons clawed at the inside of her skull.  Beneath their manic laughter, a single voice murmured, You can’t run away. You have to face this, now.
         Zoe swallowed hard and opened the front door with a shaking hand, inviting the nightmare in without daring to look. She tried to push away the dozens of emotions and memories that had sprung up from her subconscious.
         The man who walked in through the door was unfamiliar to Zoe. He was tall, maybe just over six feet, with wide shoulders and a mustache that looked like charcoal smeared under his nose. The woman who followed him was petite with fluffy blonde hair. Resting on her hip was a wide-eyed baby boy in overalls, sucking on a Winnie the Pooh pacifier.
         Zoe’s dark eyes flew right over the man and the child to meet the equally-dark eyes of the woman. She was not as Zoe remembered her; her blond hair had once been chocolate brown and worn in twin waist-long braids.  Homemade tie-dyed shirts and Birkenstocks had been exchanged for a leather jacket, designer jeans, and cowboy boots.  But this new version of the woman was still the same person, the one person on this planet whom Zoe would have been happy never to see again.
         A stifling silence dangled in the air between them, broken only by the occasional gurgles and coos from the baby. The man looked distinctly uncomfortable. No eye contact was attempted.
         Zoe’s vocal cords finally thawed, and she said in a thin voice, “Mom.”
         Daphne Lovelost’s head snapped up, a plea of forgiveness written on her face. But Zoe’s nerves had become like iron, and her fists involuntarily clenched at her sides.
         She took another breath. “Why are you here?”
         The dark-haired man stepped forward, smiling disarmingly. “Zoe. Before you assume anything, it was my idea to come out here. I’m Rick. Daphne and I are engaged.” He paused a moment to let the fact sink in, then continued, “I heard your radio show by accident two weeks ago. When you said your name, I knew something was up.”
         “I told him,” Daphne interjected. “I couldn’t hide it anymore. You were part of a lifetime I thought I’d left behind me.”
         “You did leave me behind.” Resentment rang in Zoe’s voice. “I was fourteen, Mom, the very age if any that you should have been here for me.”
         Daphne stiffened. “Don’t talk to me like I’m some common criminal. You can never know what it was like to be in my position, a single mother at age seventeen, stripped of my hopes and dreams."
         “Because of you, I learned that life is not about hopes and dreams. It’s about survival." Zoe struggled to control her voice. "You provided food and shelter for fourteen years, but nothing in the way of emotional sustenance. I was left to fend for myself long before you ever took off for the city. And look what became of me,” she added, indicating with both hands her emaciated frame.
         Rick opened his mouth to speak, but both women shot stares at him that blocked him behind a wall of their combined wills. Daphne handed the restless baby over to her fiancé, and he sat down on the threadbare couch, defeated.
         The door to the bedroom whined, and Darcy poked his disheveled head through. Daphne frowned as she looked back and forth between the boy and her daughter. Zoe whirled around and shot a dagger-filled stare at Darcy, wishing she could push him back out of sight and mind.
         “Maybe you could support yourself better if your boyfriend didn’t live with you,” Daphne said, gesturing towards the door. 
         "At least I can have a boyfriend without getting pregnant,” Zoe retorted, mimicking her mother’s gesture to point to the toddler on Rick’s lap. Darcy took his cue from Zoe’s tone and vanished back into the bedroom, closing the door behind him.
         Mother and daughter glared at each other, out of insults and out of steam.
         Rick took the opportunity to speak. “Zoe, we have a proposition for you. We’re not going to pressure you into anything, it’s entirely up to you.”
         Caught off guard, Zoe looked at him suspiciously and nodded slowly.
         “I pulled some important strings and talked to a lot of people I know. Should you want it, you are guaranteed acceptance to Denver University, with opportunities for scholarships and federal aid. I can get you a good rate on student loans to help you pay for it. You can choose to study whatever you want. You can live just outside of Denver in the house we just bought, or you can live on campus.”
         Zoe fell speechless as Rick went on to describe different programs at the university. The possibilities raced through her mind, and she found her ears ringing for the second time in an hour. She forced herself to hear the rest of what Rick was saying.
         “We’re staying with my sister in Ashton Heights. Here’s the address,” he said, offering her a business card. “When you make your choice, let me know.”
         And with that, the red Beretta and all of the problems it carried pulled out of the driveway and disappeared, leaving Zoe with a burden she never thought she’d have to carry. She watched the car’s departure from the front door. The rain had stopped, and a weak beam of light sliced through the gray cloud cover, illuminating the wet neighborhood streets and roofs.  She was vaguely aware of Darcy standing behind her.  A moment passed, and he put one arm around her waist in an uncharacteristically affectionate gesture.  Her head swam with confusion and chaos.

         The bikes lay carelessly on their sides in the wet grass, reflecting the clear light of the afternoon sun.  A cool sweet breeze tickled Zoe’s skin and dragged her hair across her neck.  Her earth-brown eyes sparkled as she sat on a rock on the side of O’Buckethole Mountain and looked over the valley where she’d grown up. She inhaled the same air she’d been breathing since birth, sitting under the same sky in the same body.  She’d been on this mountain before, and the view had always been the same.  But this time, Zoe Redwood Lovelost faced a change that nothing in her life prepared her for.
         Sequestered in her personal vantage point, she could see everything clearly, from the ritzy neighborhood of Ashton Heights to the trailer park where she lived. Downtown, the steeple of St. Ignatius stretched towards the sky. The campus of Ashton State sprawled over the northeast side of town.  So many people walked and drove the streets below her, facing their own decisions. Fredo’s Za or Pizza Hut? Kirby’s Record Bonanza or eBay? Tara’s Kitchen or Waffle House? It seemed the whole town was facing invasion from the outside world. Native Ashtonites were nearly outnumbered by immigrants from other cities and states.  Everyone’s situation was different, but in essence, they all had to answer the same question that Zoe had: do I stay with what I know and love, or accept the changes and try something new?
         Darcy sat next to her. He’d fallen silent after they rode up here and she explained everything. He’d been unwittingly dragged into this conflict, but suddenly it was his problem, too. He looked at her and let out a long sigh. “So. What are you going to do?”
         “I don’t know,” Zoe said in a low voice that shook with eminent tears. “I never thought I’d ever see her again. And now, this.”
         Darcy nodded and looked over the horizon again. “Well, what do you want?”
         Possibilities crept into Zoe’s mind. If she accepted Rick and Daphne’s offer and went to the University, she could study broadcasting. She already had four years of experience at the local radio station, and she liked it well enough. Or she could major in art, or political science, or philosophy, or theatre…
         She put her elbows on her knees and her head in her hands. “It’s not as easy as that. I want too many things. I want to get out of here, but I don’t want to leave everything I know. I want a better life, but I like my independence. This really could be my chance to go after everything I never thought I could have, you know?”
         Darcy leaned in and put an arm around her shoulders. “Do you want me?”
         She looked up, startled by the unexpected question, and more startled by her lack of an answer. Darcy saw her uncertainty and removed his arm.
         “Come on. You can’t be mad at me. Things have changed between us. You know that as well as I do.” Darcy looked away and didn’t respond. Zoe dropped her hands and turned towards him. “Don’t do this!” She begged him.
         “Don’t do what?” He said, still not looking at her. “Yeah, things have changed, but I think what we have is working. It’s worked for two years.”
         “Yeah, but you haven’t. This has only worked because I made it work. You saved my life, I had to repay you. But I think my debt is more than paid back, don’t you?”
         Darcy turned on her, and she saw more emotion in his face than she’d ever seen him express. “If you didn’t like it, why didn’t you say anything? I can’t fucking read your mind.”
         Zoe had no response. Why hadn’t she spoken up? She choked on tears and fell onto him. “I love you,” she offered.
         But Darcy shrugged her off. “Don’t say that right now.” Zoe collapsed into a sobbing heap next to him, finally letting the ice around her heart melt and her emotions and confusion take hold. Everything was changing in a whirlwind around her, and there was nothing she could do to stop it. She was torn between two worlds, half of her yearning to take the risk and forgive her mother, the other half kicking and screaming and clinging to everything she knew and loved.
         After long minutes of crying her heart out, she finally felt Darcy’s hand rubbing her back. “I’m sorry,” he murmured. “You don’t need this right now.” He swallowed before continuing shakily, “And I’m not going to be an ass and force you to do something that you don’t want. Don’t worry about me. Whatever you choose, I’ll find my place in it and let the chips fall where they may.”
         It was possibly the longest sober speech she’d ever heard from him, and definitely the most thoughtful. She looked up at him in gratitude and wiped her eyes with the side of her hand. He helped her sit up and they sat together, arms around each other, facing the sun that set on their future.

         Zoe squeezed the brakes on her bike as she pulled up to the two-story brick house, double-checking the address that Rick gave her. Darcy had gone back to the trailer. She stood before the wooden door with curtained windows on either side, took a breath, and rang the doorbell. It echoed through the foyer, and before long, Daphne opened the door.
         Mother and daughter faced each other. Years of memories and emotions crossed the space between them, ending when Daphne reached her arms out to Zoe, and the younger woman stepped forward through the threshold into the embrace. They hugged tightly and closed the door behind them.