unedited happiness

sometimes, happiness can come without the interferance of human beings.
or can defy the absence of care.
i want to hold onto this happiness i feel in this moment. because
i want to be happy alone.
i want to be happy and add people to my happiness.
to approach ppl not to find happiness but with happiness to bring to them.
despite other people's love and emotion which tends to cut me deep sometimes
i want to be happy as me. who cares really? what they are doing? who they are loving?
i love and i can be loved.  that's enough sometimes. sometimes i need to raise my head and just not care if that guy in love doesn't talk to me or glance my way. sometimes i need to just look beyond. try and find, not happy, just a place. a place that i can look back from. i dont have to look back necessarily, not yet. but i just have to know i will be able to. of course, there are things i want to happen and long for, but i must not focus on them. that's wishful thinking.
oh i understand what charlie in the perks of being a wallflower ment, i am both happy and sad [i feel the tears of hopelessness coming yet i feel my heart twist itself into a smile despite myself.] and i truly am still trying to understand how that can be.