Happy Birthday, Arizona

         I'm not sure why all these people have hearts around, or are eating so much chocolate, or suddenly wear pink like it's going out of style. (Nota bene: pink is not in style.) I mean, pink is not even an Arizona state color. I wore blue today -- you know, Arizona's "blue and gold." Crazy Arizonans. When did you decide to start celebrating Arizona's birthday wearing pink?

         And why are you all going out to dinner? I drove by Charley's tonight and it was packed. I mean, I am all for celebrating Arizona's birthday with food, drink and merrymaking, but Philly cheesesteaks are not a very patriotic meal for your state's birthday. (Nota bene: Philadelphia is not in Arizona.) Sheesh, Arizonans. I know you're packed in everywhere from Applebee's to the Scottsdale Princess celebrating 95 years of statehood, but cheesesteaks? You could have instead selected a nice Southwestern restaurant, or at the very least, Mexican.

         That brings me to my next point: dressing up? For Arizona statehood day? Maybe it's just me, but when I think of our state's forefathers, I imagine rugged cowboys and loose women, neither of whom would be caught dead in that glittery black backless number you wore to BJ's tonight. Come on, Phoenix. Would Arizonans of the past really require such dressy outfits and strappy heels? Don't you think they're already happy that we take our statehood anniversary so seriously? They are much more laid-back than that. In true tradition, we could simply warm some baked beans over a campfire and wait five hours in traffic.

         If our state's forebears are disappointed at all, it's in the Arizona cookies that you're making. I'm sure you mean well, but I think you need to find yourself to a new Arizona-shaped cookie cutter. I mean, our beautiful state is sort of square-ish, a little squiggily on the left side and an obtuse angle -- about 135°, I'd estimate -- on the bottom. Your cookies don't look at thing like that! I'm not sure what's going on with those two weird loops at the top and that point at the bottom. Arizona's border with Mexico is a lot of things, but it certainly isn't an acute angle. And why is the frosting red? Red is also not an official state color. Maybe you missed that part of the lesson when you had state birthday parties in elementary school and the teachers made you exchange statehood cards with all the other kids -- even the yucky ones.

         Oh, those were the days, weren't they? Nowadays it seems we've lost sight of celebrating Arizona. I received flowers today, and not a one in the bunch was the saguaro blossom, Arizona's state flower. Do you think the rose lobby is trying to replace the saguaro? That seems suspicious to me. And what's all this teddy bear business? Don't people know that Arizona's state mammal is the ringtail? I for one would not celebrate our statehood with some lame-o bear that is not even our state mammal. I'm sure the Arizona tree frog (state amphibian), Arizona trout (state fish) and two-tailed swallow (state insect) are just as offended. You didn't even mention them at your fancy-pants dinner, did you?

         And don't even get me started on jewelry! Why are there all these advertisements about diamonds and sapphires? Marketing departments have obviously forgotten that the state gem is turquoise and the state neckware is the bola tie. I didn't see many of those all-dressed-up men wearing bola ties. Why not? It is, after all, is Arizona's birthday. If there were ever a day to wear a bola tie (Bill Bidwell not included), it would be today. I'm sure the woman you're dining with tonight will understand when you explain about Arizona's anniversary of statehood. Be proud! This isn't just any old day, folks: it's February 14th.