Why I Like Cool Socks so Much

         I swear to God, I’ve been asked this bloody question enough times to make me sick.          “Elric, why do you like cool socks so much?”
         “Oh, you like cool socks. . .that’s, uh. . .that’s cool. Why?”
         And there’s the ever-popular “You like cool socks?”
         Feel lucky that I’m a writer, because I can tell you exactly why, and entertain you at the same time. Prepare yourself.
         This, ah. . .this interest of mine has been hard-wired since before my memory started to tick. My favourite idea of when this whole thing started was way back in kindergarten, when nearly all the girls wore stockings of some sort. . .usually white or black, but every now and then, a fun pattern or a different colour would find its way in there. It was with one of these fun patterns or colours that my imagination started to run at redline and I had my first taste of what they’d call “puppy love.” I was hooked, but I wouldn’t really know it yet. That wouldn’t come until high school, when I could actually connect the dots of why my heart would suddenly drop five centimeters every time a girl would take off her shoes in class to show off some rainbow toe socks. Wait. . .ahhhhhhhhhh. . .
         Okay. . .enough of this boring history stuff-O. More evidence! I’ve heard the phrase “leaving nothing to the imagination” and its variants when talking about a woman enough times to sicken me as well. Yes, n00dz are good. But, by Led Zeppelin, the imagination is there for a bloody reason! I haven’t a clue about you, but when I’m not in the bedroom (or Room 281 of the Motel 6), I find the colours and patterns and textures and materials to be much more interesting to look at than every square centimeter of skin one can show without getting sent home. I think that Emma Watson is one of the hottest girls on the planet, and I’d damn sure like to see her disrobed, but when we’re chatting it up at the café, I want to be staring beneath the table at some mismatched stockings of at least two colours each instead of bare British legs, thank you very much.
         And while we’re on the subject of legs, I’d like to admit right now that mine suck. They’re hairy, thick, the carriers of half my height, and disproportional to the rest of my body. Same goes for my feet. So, with that little tidbit, we can get out of our systems the entire notion that my love of cool socks and stockings has anything to do with a foot fetish. If I don’t like my own bare feet, what in Robert Plant makes you think I like yours? Gosh!
         Ahem.
         So, what have we learned today? Yes, I think cool socks and stockings are really hot when cute girls wear them, and with the past 491 words, I’ve given you a decent idea why. If you’re still in the dark, then. . .well. . .I don’t know what to say.
         Wait, I know. Google Image Search “toe socks” and take a gander.