Saddam's Insurance

(Note: This was a class project and thus does not necessarily represent my views. We were required to use a number of Elizabethan words and phrases, which accounts for the odd mix of language. Also, my first shot at drama.)



(It is a regular day, not too sunny or cloudy, on a random street in an apparently Middle-Eastern country, perhaps Iraq. BUSH and SADDAM are inside a house and the NARRATOR stands off to one side.)
Narrator: Not so long ago in a galaxy not so far away, there was a sorry sight, namely Saddam Hussein, walking down the street after getting bombed by George Bush. He is wondering if he should get insurance because George Bush keeps bombing him. Hussein has tried to bomb Bush back, but he hasn’t done very well. He needs insurance anon, as he is clearly in a pickle.
(Bush throws the door open, throwing Saddam out.)
Bush: Git up! That’s the last time thou triest to bomb me!
Saddam: (picking himself up) No, please!
Narrator: He kicks Bush in... ahem. Saddam runs all the way to an insurance dealer to ask for help.
(Exit BUSH.)
(A room with a table where the INSURANCE DEALER is sitting with copious sheets of paper in front of her.)
Saddam: Please! I need insurance, please!
Dealer: I can see wherefore thou beseech me, but may I see thine insurance card?
Saddam: I’m a terrorist! I don’t have it, canst thou tell? The dogs of war are on me!
Dealer: Alack! Thou cometh here knowing thou dost not have an insurance card. What dost thou expect me to do but give thee rede?
Saddam: Soft! Prithee! All I want is thine help.
Dealer: Alright. There are two men I can recommend you for free on your bad nonce. Their names are Geico Gecko and Aflac Duck. Two of the best. Here are their numbers. (Jots down numbers.)
Saddam: Thank you.
Narrator: She writes down the names and gives him directions to the place.
(Exit DEALER.)
(A room that looks like a courtroom, with the GEICO GECKO standing behind a podium.)
Narrator: The next day, Saddam walks into the gecko’s office, his face fordone and a long, scraggly beard hanging from his chin. He is nervous about meeting the Geico Gecko.
Saddam: I gramercy thee for seeing me today, O great gecko!
Gecko: (with Aussie accent) I’m glad to holp you, Mr....
Narrator:Not knowing his name, the gecko waits for an answer.
Saddam: (with James Bond-style voice) The name’s Hussein. Saddam Hussein.
Gecko: ‘Ello, mate. What ye be wantin’ today?
(BUSH bursts in from one side.)
Bush: He ain’t want nothin-. (slips and falls)
Saddam: Where did that banana peel come from?
Gecko: Does this mean thou wants insurance as well?
(BUSH picks himself up. AFLAC DUCK bursts in.)
Duck: If he does, he dost not want it from tho-. (slips and falls as well, yelling “Aflaaaaaaaaaaaac!”)
(DUCK picks himself up as GECKO shakes his head.)
Duck: Did that banana peel appear from thin air?
Saddam: Thou art both hideous empty-hearted rabbit-suckers. Hey! That rhymes with-!
(DEALER bursts in, interrupting SADDAM.)
Dealer: What in the world is going on? (To BUSH.) Who let thee bloody minded fool in, with brain as dead as a doorbell? Thou saucy paper-faced wretch, thou reeky onion-eyed snipe!
Bush: (To SADDAM.) I been lookin’ for thee and couldn’t find ye. Now I shalt never let the get insurance, thou greasy clay-brained younker!
Duck: (confused) What?
Dealer: (also confused) What?
Bush: I ain’t gonna be a laughin’ stock to my posse, the Uncle Sam click.
Gecko: Security! Send him packing.
Narrator: (playing the part of the guards and dragging BUSH out.) The guards come and take Bush away. They send him on his way while Bush yells.
Bush: (To SADDAM.) I’ll be back, thou purpled ill-composed egg-shell!
Duck: Okaaay.... Where were we? Ah, yes. (To SADDAM.) This is the short and long of it: Thou cometh to my office and talketh business with me, because thou art better off with me than with this... (gestures at GECKO) ...thing.
Gecko: Hey! What art thou trying to say? Thou better lie low, or else I shall put you down.
Dealer: (In growing frustration to DUCK and GECKO.) More fools you! Just let Saddam pick. (To Saddam.) Pick Saddam!
Narrator: Saddam takes a second to think about which one he wants.... He thinks... and thinks... and thinks... until....
(BOOM! A huge explosion rocks the room as BUSH enters after throwing a bomb.)
Bush: Didn’t I say ahd be back?
Narrator: Everybody is covered in smoke.
(Everyone coughs.)
Saddam: Uh.... I think....
Narrator: There is a long pause.
(Long pause.)
Narrator: (clears throat) After which Saddam has a line....
Saddam: Oh. I think.... I think I’ll choose Progressive.

END