One Cup

Walking around the bookstore, I had just stopped in the photography section when I heard a familiar voice from the past.
"So, come here often?" the voice said. It was one of the most pretentious, overused lines of all time yet it still caused me to look up.
Standing on the other side of the shelf was my ex, Jaryn. I tried to hide my unwanted fluster as I managed to answer coolly, "As a matter of fact, I do. I come here to relax and think."
"Books always were your fortress," Jaryn smiled.
I cleared my throat, "So what about you? What are you doing here?"
"Looking for a gift," she answered, "but I think I found something better." Much to my dismay, I felt the heat rise to my face as her voice lowered and she asked, "What? No hug for me?"
I hesitated for a moment as I contemplated what a hug could mean. I decided to treat it like anyone else I could‘ve run into. An old friend. A buddy. I took a deep breath inside myself and moved from the spot where I stood transfixed. She met me in the middle and put her arms around me. I immediately felt light headed for a moment as I always did when the first breath of her cologne tickled my senses. It all seemed to happen in slow motion and time in the world paused.
With her arms still around me, she took a deep breath in and whispered, "You smell amazing, Lib."
Though my insides were begging me not to, I broke the embrace and replied nonchalantly, "Thanks. So do you."
"So, can I buy you a drink?" she asked nodding towards the coffee bar.
"Uh, I don't think so, Jaryn. I've got a lot to do," I answered pretending to thumb through a book, careful not to make eye contact.
She reached over and took the book from me. "The History of Steam Engines, huh?"
I felt my face flush. Had it even a chance to cool down yet? "Yeah, well..." My voice trailed.
"Come on, baby," she said low. A voice that always made my toes curl. "Cup of coffee with an old friend. What's the harm in that?"
I considered her words. "Okay," I relented, “one cup. But that's it."
She held her hands up in mock surrender, "Okay, okay. I got it." I smiled in spite of myself.
As we walked over to the coffee bar side by side but careful not to touch, I envisioned an invisible electric barrier between us to keep us apart. I couldn't do this. Not again. I couldn't let the charm sway me. It had been too long. We had a history. Once we reached the counter, Jaryn ordered for the both of us, just has it had always been. A blended frozen mocha cappuccino for me and a tall double latte with a shot of vanilla for her.
While our drinks were being prepared, I turned to her and demanded, "How do you know that's what I wanted? My tastes have changed." I knew it was a dig but I didn't care because at least I could keep my emotional distance this way.
"Really?" the way she said it made it more of a statement than a question.
"Yes, really," I answered as we walked instinctively to "our" table.
She smirked slightly as we sat down. "Not that much," she said noting our location.
I bristled, "Well some things have changed."
She took a sip and regarded me thoughtfully, "You look good, Lib."
I drew in a breath, "Thanks. So do you." I wasn't so good at keeping up with my emotional distance. I needed to work on that.
We sipped our drinks and I took advantage of the silence to steal glances of the first woman I had ever loved. The calm arrogance was still in her eyes but the lines beginning around them spoke of her age. She was thinner than I remembered and her left arm now sported a tattoo. And was it my imagination or were those flecks of gray in her otherwise chocolate colored spiky do? Almost on cue, she reached up and ran her hand through her hair. After a few moments, she broke the silence. "So, how are things?"
"Good, " I replied honestly, "I was promoted to Marketing Director last week."
"Congratulations, babe," she beamed. "I knew eventually they would see how valuable you are. It just takes some people more time than others to realize what they have."
I swallowed the compliment and tried to ignore the double meaning behind it continuing, "I’m really enjoying my job. And everything else is...about the same," I finished.
"And the kids?" she asked quietly pressing on.
I pushed aside the memories of all of us together and replied, "They're good. Jamie will be in 7th grade this year and Ashley is going into 5th. So, how are things with you?"
"Wow. Junior high. I can't believe he's that old already," she shook her head, "Things are okay. Summer is always busy at work, you know. Delores quit so I'm a cook short and am hiring for that. Oh! I got a new car. Real sporty and everything. And I just remodeled the house to finish the back deck."
"Really?" That's great! I always-" I began and then stopped remembering my vow of personal distance.
"You always wanted to sit on the deck in the morning to watch the sun come up," she finished for me.
I paused. "Yeah," I finally admitted.
"You still can, Lib," Jaryn said.
"Jaryn, look. We've been here before. We tried to make it work. It just wasn't in the cards for us," I sighed. Was that strong enough? I wondered. I could feel my self wavering.
"But things were different then, Liberty. We both had a lot of oats to sow still. We're older now," she protested quietly.
I looked down at my drink with the whipped cream melting into it making swirling patterns. I wondered if this was like reading tea leaves. What did my cappuccino say?
Jaryn snapped me out of my thoughts, "So, are you seeing anyone?" she asked.
I looked her in the eyes and shook my head.
"Neither am I. You always believed in fate and destiny. Do you really think it was an accident we were both here today? At this exact place, at this exact time?" she questioned.
"I don't know," I answered my voice faltering. "But I thought you didn't believe in fate or destiny," I pointed out.
"Like you said- things change. So maybe now I do believe," she smiled.
"Could just be a coincidence, you know, " I countered.
"Could be," she said, "but if it was just a coincidence, you'd have left by now."
I smiled shaking my head at that quiet arrogance she held.
"You really wanna kiss me, don't you?" she whispered. It was a statement, never a question. It was the statement that began our relationship eleven years prior. And it was a statement that still took my breath away.
"No," I lied unconvincingly.
"Look me in the eyes and tell me that you don't still love me. Tell me that you don't lie awake thinking of me wondering what I'm doing, wondering how I am. Look at me and tell me you don't miss me," she tipped my chin to see her eyes. Those gorgeous, deep brown eyes. "Tell me and I will walk out of here knowing that I lost the better part of myself years ago and have only myself to blame for it."
I contemplated her words. I did want to tell her that. That it was too late, that too much time had passed. I wanted to tell her that I no longer loved her, missed her, or thought of her. I wanted to- but I couldn't. Not in honesty I couldn't.
"Baby girl," she said. It was a name I never thought I would like and yet it was a name that still sent a shiver up my spine. "Baby girl, I still love you. These last several years have been emptier because you weren't in them. I know I made mistakes but I'll make it up to you. I promise if you give me a chance, I'll make it up to you."
"I love you too, Jaryn. But I don't know. My heart can't withstand any more pain," I whispered, attempting to swallow the golf ball in my throat.
"And it won't have to," Jaryn promised. "We'll take it slow."
I looked her in the eyes. "Yeah?" I asked, "How slow?"
"Have another cup of coffee with me and we can start there," she said softly.
"Okay," I agreed, "One more cup."
"That's all I ask," she smiled that brilliant smile that always swept me off my feet and took my hand.