'Middle-age Spread' is NOT a Condiment

Middle-age Spread is NOT a Condiment

I weighed myself yesterday. I'm not sure if I was feeling lucky, or brave. One thing's for sure, nothing wakes you up quicker than stepping on the scale. Not even coffee. I have a measly 9 lbs. to lose and I am obsessed with losing these monuments to my overindulgence. This is weight left over from when I had my daughter over 11 years ago. Or perhaps I lost that weight and these are different pounds now. Who knows. I just know these pounds have taken root and simply refuse to leave my body. They seem to have congregated around my waist, hips and thighs. A perfect example of what is called "The Middle-age Spread". They like to jiggle when I walk and stick out when I zipper my pants as if to say "Hi! Remember that dessert you ate? You just couldn't say no to that chocolate cake could you?" A constant reminder of my over indulgence in one kind of 'bad' food or another. I have given up eating potato chips (my absolute favorite snack), cake, pies, M&M's, and everything else that made life bearable. And still they won't leave. They are the most stubborn 9 lbs. to ever exist.

One morning I actually caught myself talking to these unwanted hangers-on. "Why don't you just leave? What do I have to do to make you understand that I can't stand you and want you gone." Just my luck my husband overheard me, "Who are you talking to, Vick?" I stood there feeling like an idiot for talking to the fat pockets on my body. Then I realized he probably thought I was talking to him. "No one - I'm just being weird and talking to the flab on my body," I tell him. "Flab! What flab? You're crazy - you don't have any flab." I smiled thinking to myself, "I trained him so well."

So, anyway, after weighing myself I felt like a fat slob all day. I even wore one of my "fat outfits" because I wanted to have room for it to spread out I guess. I didn't feel like eating dinner - as if that would help. Skipping that one meal will really make a difference and I will miraculously lose the pounds.

Of course if I exercised maybe I would lose them. But that's another thing that bothers me. I can't believe I have to come up with some kind of an exercise routine and follow it religiously. Life itself is exercise. Just going through the course of my day should be enough. Especially my weekends when I'm doing laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, running one errand after another. Surely that should be enough exercise to get rid of a paltry 9 lbs. When I was in my twenties and gained a few pounds all I had to do was watch what I ate for the next two or three days and poof! the weight was gone. Well those days are gone too. Nowadays whenever I eat something I know that I am feeding ten - me and my 9lbs. It's not an even ten pounds, that's what makes it seem like it shouldn't be too hard to lose. I guess I should be glad that it isn't 90 lbs. or 190 lbs.

But honestly, I'm sure these 9lbs. could find a better home - a place where they will fit in better and not be so noticeable that they get scolded everyday for being where they aren't welcome. Can't they take the hint?