This is in response to a letter you wrote on live journal almost 8 months ago... nothing has changed. You still feel the same way; he still does the same old shit. It's strange I have never been able to tell you what I am about to tell you.
I hate Jess; I hate him with every part of me. Yes I pretend to be all nice about him with you, because I know how it feels when your friends don't like your guy. And when I am with you I would rather be happy then spend our entire time together making you feel bad. And believe me I donít mean to make you feel bad in ANY way. I just want to talk about how I feel.
I hate Jess for lots of things; how he makes someone so special feel like she isn't. How he lies to you. How he didn't do everything he could to spend Valentine's Day with you. How whenever I am with him and you aren't he tries his hardest to use me, telling me that, ďKatrina says I can fuck whoever I want so why canít I fuck you?Ē I have almost slapped him. And definitely did nothing he requested. The few nights I have spent with him even when you were there, Iíve NEVER hated someone more in my life, but I put up with his bullshit because I knew you loved him. I know how much it hurts.
I know itís not the same but think about how Drue treated me and it was not nearly as bad as Jess has treated you. I understand when you tell me about all the things he says and how sometimes he is so sweet, but you have to understand that ALL of the awful things he does should over power the good and make them invalid. It was so hard for me to finally walk away from Drue and I canít even imagine if Drue and I had continued on for 8 more months like that.
You are such an amazing person. I have no idea why it is so difficult for you to see that. Do you know how sometimes I stare at you and you ask me what Iím looking at? I am looking at your soul; Trina, how beautiful of a person is hidden in those eyes. And when I look at you, I see that you can't hold my gaze because you are ashamed of what I am looking at. It baffles me. You deserve someone who from the first day looks into your amazing green eyes and says, "Wow, I would be so lucky to have this girl in my life" all those country songs we sing, they actually happen and there are guys out there who are looking for that girl that loving "just comes naturally to."
I know it doesn't seem like it will. But if YOU make the decision to end it with Jess (the decision you say you won't make because you can't) one day you will be so happy that you had enough respect for yourself to be able to get out. You wonít have to live with the knowledge that he decided you werenít worth it. Because I know Jess is not who you are meant to be with. You may not know that but it's true. Iím not saying that I am "always right Vikki" Iím just saying I knew Ben wasn't ďthe oneĒ for Nahal and he wasn't. It was just a learning experience for the both of them as one day Jess will be for you.
But that day will never come if YOU donít make it. You make decisions for you in every other aspect of your life Katrina, you donít let your mother or your hardships stand in your way or your getting what you want, I cant believe that you are letting Jess take control over you and make you feel like you are not worthy of someoneís unfaltering love. You have already been shown throughout your life that you were not worthy of the people around youís love. You were mistreated and I hope you know that if you keep surrounding yourself with people that lessen you then one day you won't know how to be with people who lift you up, even people like your friends like me and Nahal.
You deserve so much and I want you to realize this!! If I could somehow sneak this idea into your head I would give anything. You mean so much to me. Nahal and I always say that we donít care about people who donít appreciate us and arenít worthwhile people (like Megan for example). You do though! And we appreciate you in return. We are TRUE friends in every sense of the word.
Our song really is "My Wish" when I hear that song I think of you more than anyone else. My wish is that if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose, I hope you choose the one that means the most to you. And if one door opens when Jess's closed, I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window, if it's cold outside, and Iím not there to keep you warm, just show the world the warmth of your smile. But more than anything, more than anything, my wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to, your dreams stay big, your worries stay small, You never need to carry more than you can hold, and while you're out there getting where you're getting to, I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too, this is my wish.
I know it may take you time to realize this for yourself and I will always be here to lend a helping hand, whether it be lifting you up after Jess knocks you down, or shaking your new boyfriendís hand who gives you everything you deserve. As Nahal said in your birthday present I canít wait for the day that I get to see you standing on that cloud soaring high above everyone else, because that is where you truly belong.