If Furniture Could Talk

If Furniture could Talk
By Amanda Mattingly
Norma (the love seat): Kind of like a little kid in her heart…
Arm Chair: No name, shy, secretly in love with Norma.
Ellis (the sofa): Old, wise, a tiny bit afraid of change.
Thomas and Martha (The two hard chairs): Married, conservative, strongly opposed to change (English accent optional)
Joseph (person): Elderly, Boring, rich, conceited, just icky.
Table: Very small part. Sleeps mostly.
Scene: it’s night time and Joseph has already gone to bed- All furniture is sitting in a sort of
Norma: Is it just me, or is just waiting around like, all day and night for Joseph getting more like, boring by the second?
Ellis: Well, I have to admit it does get rather tiresome with him complaining about things all the time.
Thomas: *Dismissive sniff* But it is our duty as his legally bought furniture to stay in the parlor and suffer his utter idiocy.
Martha: Besides, what else are we to do?
Norma: (Beaming) we could run away!
Thomas: Come now, my dear girl, you can’t be serious.
Norma: No, Thomas, for real! We could like, learn how to walk and maybe we could fit through the glass sliding door or something.
Ellis: Norma Honey, No furniture has ever been able to walk in the whole history of inanimate kind.
Martha: Besides, Joseph wouldn’t let us!
Norma: Martha…! We’re running away from Joseph. Why would we tell him?
Table: (has been sleeping the whole time) Snore!
Thomas: Norma, we are not running away and that’s settled.
Martha: Besides, what would we do once we ran away?
Norma: (grins) Ok, so we like, run away right? And then we can make… wait for it…a sanctuary for under privileged furniture!
Thomas: Pfft. What a waste of time.
Norma: (ignoring Thomas with far away look in her eyes) We can put up flyers and maybe an ad in the newspaper once we get enough money and we can put jars in shops…
Ellis: You haven’t thought this all the way through.
Norma: And Ellis can be the grandmother figure!
Ellis: Me? Oh I don’t know. I’m old, my wood hasn’t been re-polished in years and my furnishing is wearing thin.
Norma: You’d be great with the kids. You were awesome when I was brand new. I was fresh out the store and I knew nothing about being part of a living room. And now look at me!
Thomas: Yes, look at you all grown up and ready to run away. Ellis, do better next time.
Ellis: It wasn’t my fault.
Martha: Besides, Norma will probably forget all about it by morning. We need to rest for tomorrow.
Table: *yawns* Everyone go to sleep.
All exit except Arm Chair
Off stage voice: Arm chair thinks…
Arm chair: I wish I could get up the nerve to talk to her. Then she could introduce me to everyone. They probably think I’m dead or something. Norma’s given up talking to me.
The phone rings and there is stomping as though there is some one walking down the stairs. Enter Joseph on the phone.
Joseph: Why are you calling me in the middle of the night Frederick? Pause
Oh right, you’re five hours behind.
Do we have to talk about this now?
I see.
I was thinking I could sell the furniture.
Well, they’re all falling apart. Is it worth paying moving insurance on them? Or even paying to have them moved at all?
Maybe a flea market or antique store would take them.
Yeah well Mother’s dead so I think she won’t care if I sell her couch. Also there isn’t room for a whole parlor full of wood in the new flat.
Yeah well call me in the morning. And by morning I mean afternoon. I’m sleeping in.
Bye.
Exit Joseph.
Armchair: Oh my god he’s going to sell us! I gotta tell Norma! But I can’t. She’ll be mad at me for ignoring her all these years! But if she finds out I knew and I didn’t tell her, she’ll be even madder. Maybe I’ll just wait for morning. Yeah that’s what I’ll do.
Scene-Parlor- All furniture-Morning
Everyone is asleep except armchair
Arm chair: (whisper) Norma. Norma, wake up!
Norma: Huh? *yawn* Yeah just a second…
Table: Snore!
Arm chair: *waits…* Norma!
Norma: Yeah? What? Huh? Ok, I’m awake.
Arm chair: It’s me. The arm chair.
Norma: What are you even talking about? Is that you table? Or Ellis? It’s not funny.
Arm chair: I’m not really dead. I’m just extremely introverted and shy and I’ve been trying to work up the nerve to talk to you all these years but I couldn’t do it.
Norma: Well why are you suddenly brave now?
Arm chair: Well, I have something important to tell you.
Norma: And…?
Armchair: Joseph is going to sell us and move into his brother Frederick’s flat in London!
Norma: Are you kidding me?
Armchair: No.
Norma: When did you find out?
Arm chair: Last night when Joseph was on the phone.
Norma: Why didn’t you tell me?
Arm chair: I didn’t want to wake you up.
Norma: that’s stupid! The sooner you woke me up the sooner we could make a plan to escape!
Thomas: (waking up) you aren’t talking to your self about that plan, are you? Because that’d be rather loony if you ask me.
Norma: No I’m talking to the arm chair here.
Thomas: You’ve gone mental! The armchair has been here over seven years and hasn’t spoken a word to any of us.
Martha: (waking up) Besides, *yawn* why are you talking about it to the armchair when we’ve all dismissed it?
Norma: The armchair didn’t talk to us because he was too shy. And now there is a more pressing reason to escape.
Ellis: What’s that?
Norma: Joseph is going to sell us and move to a flat in London.
Ellis: Are you yanking my chain?
Norma: No, armchair heard him talking about it on the phone last night.
Ellis: We better start learning how to walk then!
Thomas: Are you serious? You know why we’re called inanimate?
Because we aren’t animate!
Ellis: If anyone can find out how, Norma can.
Martha: Besides, none of us want to be sold, Thomas.
Thomas: Now my own wife is turning against me.
Ellis: Thomas what are you talking about?
Thomas: (mumbling) everyone is betraying me.
Norma: The only person who’s betraying anyone is Joseph so just shush.
Thomas: If you fools want to flitter away your time, be my guest but I remain loyal to Joseph.
Ellis: Thomas, you listen to me. I’ve known you since you were bought. (softer) You don’t really believe that armchair is making this up, do you?
Thomas: *sigh* I suppose not…
Ellis: Then why don’t you learn to walk with us?
Martha: Besides, it won’t be as fun without you.
Table: Plus you guys will stop arguing and I’ll get some sleep.
Thomas: Table, sleeping is not a problem for you. You’re always sleeping.
(The door opens and in walks Joseph. He walks over to the armchair almost sits down but then exits)
Armchair: Phew. I hate it when he sits on me. Then my lap gets all warm.
(Joseph enters with a drink-possibly a gin and tonic- and sits on armchair)
Joseph: (talking to himself) what a day. The people in the office were just yak-ing about things I didn’t want to talk about. And then the one lady with the mink stole just kept blabbing about her grandson and I didn’t say it out loud but I was secretly thinking that the mustard yellow of her dress made her look like she was going to puke *chortles to himself*
All furniture roll eyes or look boredunimpressed.
The phone rings. Joseph gets up and talks silently because the furniture is talking:
Arm chair: He’s not funny! Why does he think he’s funny? He’s not! He’s so conceited I wish I could just-
Thomas: Run away? Well then we’d best get to work tomorrow but be quiet for a moment. Joseph is talking to Frederick.
Joseph (on phone) : You want me there by the end of the month?
Why?
I don’t care what your girlfriend thinks, I can’t have everything ready by then!
Well then I guess I’ll have to sell the furniture sooner then I had planned.
Yes two weeks does sound reasonable.
Ok.
Bye, then.
Scene- Living room three days later-Everyone is lined up, facing the audience.
Ellis is trying to walk.
Norma: You can do it Ellis! Just lift up one of your legs then put it down on the floor.
Ellis: Like this? Lifts leg up really high then puts it down.
Norma: You don’t have to lift it quite so high next time but other than that it was like, really great. So, now that every one has walking down I thought we’d have like, a race.
Ellis: A race?
Norma: Who ever gets to the other side of the parlor first wins like, 1st place or something.
Thomas: What if we fall over and can’t get up?
Norma: You won’t.
Martha: Besides, Joseph will pick us up when he gets home.
Norma: On the count of three- 1, 2, 3!
(the furniture sets off. Norma walks the “athletes walk”, Ellis kind of hobbles taking her legs up a little too high with each step, Martha walks like a model on a run way and Thomas takes baby steps, holding his head high and armchair skips)
Norma: I won that time but I was the first one to learn so I had kind of a head start. Tomorrow after Joseph leaves, we’re leaving!
Thomas: (incredulous) Tomorrow?
Ellis: Well, it’s already taken three days for all of us to learn how to walk so only a week until Joseph is done selling us.
Martha: Besides, we’ll want to get a head start so we can get as far away as possible.
Norma: That’s right. Plus it’ll be so boring sitting around here when we know we can walk!
Thomas: I hate to admit it but your right. It’s getting dark. Joseph will be home soon.
Norma: Every one, get back to your places.
All: *sigh* OK.
Scene- Early morning: The furniture is sneaking out
Norma: Ok you guys now is the time. You see that sliding door? Points stage right. I want everyone to go through the door. Ok?
Everyone nods.
Norma: You first Thomas.
Thomas shuffles off the stage.
Norma: Martha?
Martha strides off the stage.
Norma: Armchair?
Arm chair skips off the stage.
Norma: Ellis?
Ellis hobbles off the stage.
Norma: Norma? Well that was silly asking like, myself. Heh.
Norma walks off the stage.
Norma: (OS) wait, where’s table?
(table still on stage)
Table: Snore!
Norma: C’mon table!
Table: Ok, I’m coming. (walks off stage quickly)
Norma: Wow, you walk well!
Table(Now OS): Uhuh, ok. When can I sleep?
Joseph enters.
Joseph: Where in heavens did my furniture go?
The End