Lily in the Pathway

"This is Matthew," Linda told me. I looked down at the little boy who stood in my doorway. His tee shirt was two sizes too big and his tattered jeans, a size too small. His black hair was unkempt and he had small scars on his arms. His ebony eyes fixated on the floor.

"Hi, Matthew," I said softly, "I'm Carrie." I stuck out my hand and he didn't respond.

Linda took his hand and led him through the door. "Come on, Matthew. Let's go see your room."

I showed them to Matthew's room which contained toys and clothes from my nephew Ethan who was also five. Matthew walked slowly over to the bed and sat down sucking his thumb.

"This is your room, Matthew. You can play with anything you want," I said. He continued to suck his thumb.

"Let's go chat and I'll fill you in,” Linda said. Looking at Matthew, "If you need us, we'll be right out there in the living room, okay?"

We walked out into the living room and I glanced back at the room. He had curled himself into his own cocoon.

As soon as we were out of earshot, Linda looked at me. “He’s a very special boy but he refuses to speak to anyone since his mother died. But we know he’s able from past reports.”

“What happened?” I asked.

“Drug overdose,” she said. “He was there and found her. A neighbor came over when they heard screaming.” I closed my eyes and shook my head. She continued. “He’s been evaluated, which wasn’t easy. They can’t rule out any mental or emotional disorders. He’ll feed himself and use the bathroom but that’s the extent of it. He won’t dress himself, play, or speak.”

“Being post-traumatic, it’s a wonder he does anything for himself at all,” I said.

Linda smiled. “See, that’s why Maryanne and I wanted to place him with you. You are so excellent in these situations. We sure wish you would come back.”

I smiled. “I know but I’m happy working at home and this gives me the opportunity to finally be a mom.”

We continued to chat for a few more minutes and then Linda went out to the van to bring in Matthew’s things. She came back with a blanket and a small overnight bag.

“Where’s the rest?” I asked.

She looked at me. “This is it, Carrie. He didn’t come with much.”

I glanced in the room and he was on the bed, rocking back and forth. After she left, I walked into Matthew’s room and sat next to him.

“Are you hungry?” I asked softly. It was nearing the dinner hour. He didn’t answer or look at me but he did sit up.

“Do you like pizza?” At the mention of pizza, he looked at me- the first time since he had arrived. “You do? Well, I do too and I just happen to know of a great place that delivers.”

After I ordered the pizza, I chattered on about what fun we were going to have, how happy I was that he was there, and things that I liked to do. A couple of times, I thought I saw a smile but it disappeared as quickly as it appeared.

“How about for a treat we watch a movie after dinner?” I asked, not expecting a response. “I’ve got lots of great movies that my nephew watches. Wanna go see what I’ve got?” I stood up and he stood up as well. Taking that as a good sign, I began to walk towards the door and he followed.

He followed me into the den where the television and DVD’s were kept. I pulled out some of Ethan’s favorite movies. None seemed to peak Matthew’s interest until I pulled out Madagascar. He took it from me and smiled slightly at the animals on the front cover. Before I could say anything, the pizza arrived with a loud knock on the front door.

Upon hearing the knock, Matthew screamed. It wasn’t just a childlike scream, it was a primal scream. Being unfamiliar with his new surroundings, he ran from room to room. I stood shocked for a moment and then ran after him.

Underneath his bed, he was curled into a ball and sucking his thumb. His black eyes were wide with fear and he again he was rocking. “It’s okay, sweetie. It’s just the pizza man.” He refused to budge and Mario’s knocked again. He closed his eyes tightly and let out a small whimper. “I’m going to go answer the door, honey. I’ll be right back.”

I ran to the front door and opened it breathlessly. “Hold on just a second.”

The pizza guy peered in the door curiously, “Is everything okay?”

“Yes. It’s fine.” I grabbed my wallet and paid him for the pizza. “Thank you.”

“Okay,” he said slowly.

I took the pizza and closed the door without any further explanation. I sat the pizza down on the table and walked back to Matthew’s room. I got down on the floor so that he and I were eye to eye.

“Sweetie, do you wanna eat? It’s safe to come out. They’re gone.”

Very slowly, he crawled out from under the bed. I knelt down in front of him. “Matthew, you’re safe here, honey. No one is going to hurt you. I promise I’ll take care of you, okay?” His eyes softened slightly.

“Would it be okay if I gave you a hug?” I asked. He didn’t move so I slowly moved towards him as if he were a wounded animal. I put my arms around him and though he didn’t hug me back, I swore I felt his body relax slightly.

After I helped him wash his hands, I led him to the table where I fixed him a plate of pizza and a glass of milk. I hadn’t even sat down in my seat yet when he had finished his slice.

“You must’ve been hungry,” I said reaching for another slice for him. He ate that one just as quickly and I put a hand lightly on his arm. “Sweetie, there’s plenty. Slow down or you might get sick.” I put a third slice on his plate and he ate slower that time as I reminded him gently to take small bites. We got through dinner without any complications and I decided to give him a much needed bath before the movie.

As he watched, I ran the bath water and added bubbles and a couple of bath toys that Ethan had left the last time he had come over. “Okay, it’s time to get in.”

Matthew stood and just looked at me. I remembered what Linda had said about Matthew’s ability or desire to dress himself. “I’ll help you.”

Unsure of his reaction to this virtual stranger undressing him, I moved very slowly. He assisted by taking his arms out of his shirt and stepping out of his jeans. His back was covered with yellowing bruises and scars and he had scabbed over cuts on his legs. I winced at such obviousness of abuse and took his socks off. He closed his eyes tightly when I removed his frayed Superman underwear. I took his hand and told him it was time to get in the water.

He opened his eyes and looked at me and then looked at the water. This time, I knew I wasn’t imagining anything. He smiled. A big, toothless smile and I laughed. “You like the water!” His smile retracted slightly as he looked back at me.

I nudged him forward slightly. “Go ahead, sweetie. Get in.”

Still holding his hand, I helped him over the side of the tub and into the water. Slowly, he began to play with the toys after I carefully washed his body.

In the months that followed, Matthew began to relax and even smile more. I figured out that he loved chocolate milk, the Rugrats cartoon, and spaghetti and that he hated peas, casseroles, and fish. I fell in love with this beautiful child and longed to break through the wall and hear him speak. I knew that I had been given him for a reason and filed the adoption papers.

One afternoon, I laid him down for a nap and went to my study to get some writing done. I had been writing for over an hour when I heard talking. It took me so much by surprise that I froze in mid sentence and listened. And then it happened again.

Very quietly, I got up from my desk and walked towards the doorway. Down the hall, I could see light coming from Matthew’s room. Not wanting to silence the beautiful sound of a child’s voice, I walked very slowly to his room and peeked in.

Matthew sat with his back to the door. “My mommy gone. Those ladies said her was sick but her wasn’t. Her was mad at me.”

Tears filled my eyes and I strained to hear more. “I broked that glass and all her powder spilled out. She sayed I was a stupid boy and when I comed out of my room, her died.”

I covered my mouth as tears ran down my face. He continued talking to someone I couldn’t see until I knocked on the door.

He jumped up and ran over to his bed. He stared at me with the same wide eyes of terror from that first day. I sat next to him and put my arms out. “Come here, Matty.” He slowly inched over to me and climbed up in my lap. “Baby, who were you talking to?” He lowered his head and put his thumb in his mouth. “It’s okay,” I whispered. “I just didn’t know you could talk so well.”

He sat still on me for so long that I thought he may have fallen asleep. “Her my friend,” he said in a hoarse whisper.

“She is?” I asked eager to keep the conversation going. He nodded. “What does she look like?”

He shrugged. “Her hair is very long, like this,” he said pointing to his lower back. “Her is big, she eight. Her wears earrings.”

“Wow. That is big. Does she have a mommy?” I asked.

“Nope ‘cause her mommy done killed her,” he said.

“Her mommy killed her?” I asked incredulously.

“Yep. Her said her mommy was sick up here,” he pointed to his forehead, “and she putted a pillow over her face.”

I drew in a breath and when I did Matthew looked up at me. “You sad at me?”

I looked at his little worried face, his eyes filled with concern. “No sweetheart. I’m not sad at you. What’s your friend’s name?”

“Lily. Her grandma say her a flower,” he said.

I smiled. “Lily is a pretty name. What does she say?”

He shrugged. “Her tolded me I should talk to you ‘cause you was a nice lady and you taked care of me.”

“She did? Well, that’s a really nice thing to say. I’m sure glad you did,” I said hugging him.

“You going to give me away now?”

“What? Why would I give you away, honey?”

“’Cause my mommy tolded me that if I talking, she would give me away,” he whispered.

“Oh, baby, no. I love hearing you talk. You can talk all the time. I promise not to give you away,” I told him blinking back tears.

“You keep me and be my mama?” he asked so softly I almost didn’t hear him.

“I would love that,” I said unable to stop a few tears from spilling.

“My hungry,” he said suddenly.

“You are? Well, let’s go have lunch, okay?” I said drawing a shaky breath and standing up with him.

I had never been real religious but on that day, I looked up and thanked God for this boy. Lily helped pave the path but He started the journey.


*1,998 words*