Ω Gently

. . .

Ω Gently

I must feel comfortable with what has been placed on my plate.  I ponder my plate as a semi conscious soul colliding with a wall of infinity. 

When the event is happening, and I know that there are ways and means to an end, I take the road less traveled. Being around to deal with the in's and out's, is more than a little depressing. My road seems to have a lot of heart breaking experiences that impact who I am.  As I am very sure that each harbour the scars of life.

I believe in God.  I believe the Christ is the Son of God.  I believe in the Holy Spirit, the Holy Catholic Church, the communion of Saints, the forgiveness of sin, the resurrection of the body, and life everlasting.

The merry go round of life keeps tossing a curve ball.  Why is that?  What is the motivation of life?  I can’t answer that question, and I’ve been asking it since I learned about God when I was a young boy.  Yet completely aware of my own need to learn.

The times and events that I’ve experienced have begun to give me the look of age.  I feel 104 instead of thirty four.  I see and feel myself getting older. 

Now there are two trains of thought on that matter.  I can accept it as a part of God’s divine plan for me, or I can believe that I am just a random number on the big board of life. 

I’ve been feeling my heart palpating; burping.  It’s not a very stable feeling.  Feels like the onset of a heart attack; must be stress.

All the thoughts that are accumulated during life can have a staggering toll on the mind.  Focus of thought is beyond me.  I remain lifeless.  Oh for the comfort of a content heart.  Which seems to be always eluding. 

My life must have resolutions that can be lived with some degree of contentment.  Why does the resolution always evade me?

Living a solitary life, I am without another to help me grasp and cope with the sharp edge of life that self judgment yields.  Because of that very reason, I wage battles in my own head on how to react, and what to do in an obsessive way.

My mind can be my most powerful advisory, and can also be the tool that inflicts great pain with anguish.  Trying to balance the two is daunting.  It is a task for me to accept circumstance, and grow stronger because of it. 

Complete loneliness takes over the mind-set, and feelings of despair enrapture me.  I wish to control the torment, and I know that is what is expected, but it takes great courage and fortitude.  And I am not sure if I still have those qualities at my command.  My thirst for life is drained and dust bowl dry.  I feel washed onto a desolate beach naked and cold, no food, and no warmth, complete emptiness.  Is that a feeling that I am supposed to deal with?  How?  Am I growing?

So now I sit and hope that the next minute of time, goes a little more gently than the last.