A Realized Dream

As a small child my sincerest dream was of motherhood. Much to her dismay, I practiced this on my sister until I got pregnant at eighteen. I was elated that my prayers were finally answered and I graduated high school with the beginnings of a pregnant tummy. But after three months of carrying my lifelong dream in my womb, I dissolved into a downward spiral of self destruction when I miscarried. I named her Ashley Dawn.

Two more years passed until I got pregnant with my son, Dakota James. I was terrified the entire time; scared to lose him too. I wrote him letters of my plans. On your birthday every year, we will travel. We’ll start out small until we hit milestone birthdays. I will expose you to culture, arts, and the beauty that surrounds us. I wrote letters of my feelings. My beautiful son, I’ve waited years to have you and I can’t wait until you’re here! I wrote letters inadvertently telling the future. Whether your dad and I get married or even stay together, please know that we both love you very much.

We’ve had many changes since those letters were written 11 years ago. I was blessed with not one, but three, healthy and beautiful boys. Koty is now 10, Ryley is 7, and Zach is 5. I divorced their father, came out as a lesbian, and married my wife. I expose the boys to culture through books and museums but not yet through plane rides to exotic lands. The travel we do these days is rarely further than a car ride. What hasn’t changed is the pride I have for my children, the unconditional love that surpasses all expectations, and the fear I have for their future in this tumultuous world.



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