Identity Crisis

12-16-2006

It’s an unsettling feeling to recognize that you’re at a slight low point in your life and you also recognize the fact that it will only get worse from here. I felt lost when I got laid off two months ago and I can only assume it’s because I started to feel that way long before it happened. It leaves me wondering, even though I’ve made plans for my future, whether or not those plans will matter. I still feel unsettled. I still feel slightly lost.

I overheard myself saying something so completely out of character for me that now, even days later, I’m thinking about it. I was sitting at a table with some co-workers at the new job I’ve started, and due to the conversation, I said “The guy I need to have would have to be superman at this point.” There were two men at the table when I said it, and I don’t even think they took my statement at face value, but here I sit, thinking that’s not the case. I don’t need superman. I don’t need someone to be this extordinary character who’s larger than life. A person who is real and completely naturally himself will do. Then I look at the things I’ve done lately, the things I have yet to do, and wonder if it’d do me any good to meet that person now.

I’m leaving Texas. A fact, that while I probably have yet to fundamentally understand, I have in my heart, committed to it. Why do I feel the need to leave? Why do I feel like whatever it is I’m suppose to find in my life, I’m not meant to find it here with people I know and love and places I’m familiar with? Why am I going through this low point despite the fact that I’m in a familiar place with people I know and love?

What makes it a low point? The list of failures still stacking up against me, glares at me currently. The fact that I’ve started working for a company that by all accounts, one could retire at and all I want to do is make it six months. I’ve never wanted to just “get by” for six months anywhere. It’s not the way I normally operate and so part of me feels like I’m going through an identity crisis. Then I get to thinking about Joan and how she used those two particular words to describe how she feels and then I roll my eyes. I’m not exactly sure why I have that type of reaction.

Identity crisis. Strange, when you think of me, even when I think of me, those are about the second to last words I’d ever use to describe me. I know who I am. I know what I’m capable of, so I don’t know if those words are accurate to describe what I’m feeling, but they are the first words to come to mind. Then I wonder if I should mention this particular dilema to my friend John, who’d know better than anybody what I’m feeling. It’s not easy for me to admit these negative thoughts concerning myself, especially to someone I care about. If it is a problem, I don’t want to worry him. If he can’t help, I’m afraid I’ll feel even more “off” than I already do. If I can’t help myself, where does that leave me? Have I come this far to be a failure?