The Quiet

THE QUIET

         Every one has left. The quiet is deafening. Did you know you could hear silence? There is a sound to it that presses on my eardrums.

         They have all gone back to their lives. I knew they were going to and it was what they were supposed to do. They have jobs and homes and families and all that must be attended to.

         And the house is very still.

         Time was when there was no quiet here at all for hours at a time, children running shouting quarreling tattling crying laughing, and doors slamming and TV blaring. (Turn that down we can't hear ourselves think!) In those days the house was never quiet unless they were all asleep.

         But now the stillness is a thing with substance, dimension, almost a presence. Back then I craved stillness; I longed for quiet. The quiet that settled over the house after the school bus took the noise away for a little while, not this uninterrupted silence.

         There on the wall is the portrait of Joe. A picture that captured the glint in his eyes the smile on his lips.

         See, it wasn't supposed to be this way. We were going to have these years to ourselves after the children were raised and launched. We were going to travel, and experience and do the things we didn't have a chance to do while raising and supporting a family.

         And we traveled certainly, to hospitals and clinics, and to chemo treatments. We experienced, too; we experienced pain. We experienced the long goodbye as life slipped away from Joe, breath by breath, as he grew thinner and more tired. Then came the day when it all ganged up on him and took him away for good.

         It wasn't supposed to be this way. I wasn't supposed to be choosing a casket for him, I wasn't supposed to be choosing a suit and shirt and tie to bury him in, He wasn't supposed to go away alone.

         It comes down to what do I do now? My children are already on their way and that is the way it should be. They have children and lives and jobs to fill their days and hours and make life go on.

The only other life here is Joe's cat. He loved that cat and the cat loved him. Jenny, the cat is almost twelve. That's old for a cat. Seven years to one, that's how cats age, so twelve times seven ~~ what would that be? I don't know, but she's old, older than I am. She doesn't play any more she likes to lie in the patch of sun on the floor.

         I have to find something to do. I have to be needed. I am a caregiver with nobody to care for. Last night I lay half asleep or maybe more than half, listening to Joe's breath. Then I woke and knew he wasn't there; his gentle breathing had been a dream. How long will I hear and feel him beside me when I am dreaming? Maybe for the rest of my life, I hope so.

         They have all left to go back to their lives but I can't go back to my life because it no longer exists. I have to find something new.

         Two thirds of my life I spent with Joe I was a twenty year old virgin when I said my vows to him that day in church. Two thirds of my life I spent with him. There were bad times and sad times. There were joyful times. And now there is this time. This time when I do not know what I feel or even who I am any more. I have been Joe's wife for so long. How can I be anything else?

         Again I ask what can I do now? What need can I fill what gift can I give, whom can I take care of now? All this love that needs to go somewhere! Where can I put it? In the past year Joe needed it all. All of it again and again, my time my strength, all I could do for him. Now he needs nothing more from me.

         What do I do now? The children are children no more, and Joe is gone. And I am alone. Even the Bible says it is not good for a man to be alone and surely that means a woman too.

         All I can take in right now is that Joe is gone.

         The children will be back they will come and go, the grandchildren will be here sometimes and the house will be noisy again with children sounds. But what do I do now? Time will tell, tomorrow will come and I will find something to do


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