Malcolm McDoofangina & the Seven Swords

MALCOLM McDOOFANGINA AND THE SEVEN SWORDS


A SHORT FILM

WRITTEN BY
NONE OTHER THAN BOB NASR HIMSELF.

We open our film on MALCOLM McDooFangina, walking alone in the wilderness.

MALCOLM (V.O)
Mind log 78. It is I Malcolm McDooFangina, the famed adventurer and geologist, and son of Sir Walter McDooFangina, the famed astronaut and physicist. I am speaking to you now, or rather thinking to you, seeing as how you are my mind and not a real publication of any kind, at what seems to be the end of my last adventure. I started my journey through these treachuress woods with my fateful companion, George Schnopps, oh so many days ago. We came here in search of the much sought after Seven Swords of Dignity, put were thrown astray of our mission, after George was taken away by the heinously viscious Blanket men of the forest! And here I am, sauntering through the untamed wilderness just barely clingly to life, when...

GEORGE, a man with black hair and no wolf like beard, with torn and burned clothing, comes falling out of a bush on to MALCOLM.

GEORGE
Malcolm! Malcolm! The blanket men, they...

MALCOLM
Quiet, now, George. I fear that the blanket men have ears throughout all of the forest.

GEORGE
Oh, it was terrible, sir. I shant retell the horrors they put me through.

MALCOLM
You must tell me, George, do they know where the Seven Swords of Dignity are?

GEORGE
I couldn't tell. The evil blanket men were too busy torturing me to reveal any of their loathsome plans.

MALCOLM
We must hurry if we wish to reach the seven swords in time, before the ancient curse takes over and the Blanket men rule over all!

GEORGE
Let us pray that me have a window of hope, with which we can break through using a baseball of justice, and end the tyranny of the Blanket men!

Entering the frame from behind trees, come two men with floral blankets over their entire bodies. They will be BLANKET MAN 1 and BLANKET MAN 2.

BLANKET MAN 1
Not so fast, gentleman!

BLANKET MAN 2
Don't move or we will use our dreaded blanket powers to bring great pain to your genitals.

MALCOLM Very Distressed
Whatever you do, please, do not do that. I really mean it.

BLANKET MAN 1
Do not put us in a possition where we must break open the apples of your loins with our telepathic quilt-bilities. Which by the way is a copy written phrase.

BLANKET MAN 2
If you don't want to get sued, then don't use the phrase "Quilt-abilities" unless you have paid for the right to use it. If you don't want your testicles to telepathically explode than put on this blind fold and follow us!

MALCOLM
Okay! Okay! Anything you say!

BLANKET MAN 1 and 2 put blind folds on MALCOLM and GEORGE and the screen goes blank.

MALCOLM (V.O)
It was then that George and I had become captives. Taken to a residence deep in the forest, we had been summoned by the leader of the Blanket men: Karithium T. Silverhorse.

We cut to MALCOLM down on his knees in front of KARITHIUM, a smallish gentlemen with a paper crown sitting in an oversized chair, just as the blindfold is whipped off of MALCOLM. GEORGE is passed out directly to the right of MALCOLM and the two BALNKET MEN from before are blocking the exits.

KARITHIUM
Well, if it isn't McDoofangina Jr. Ha! I am laughing at your ugly face as you bow before me in ultimate servitude!

MALCOLM
You bastard!

KARITHIUM
Soon I, Karithium T. Silverhorse, will have the flesh and bone of a McDoofangina splattered against the walls of my dungeon! Your father would be proud.

MALCOLM
You'll never get away with it! My landlord will know I'm gone, he will search the forest for me!

KARITHIUM
You have a twisted sense of time, lad! For it has been two years since you entered the forest! Your landlord has long forgotten you and has a new tenant.

MALCOLM
All hope is lost!!!

KARITHIUM to his BLANKET MEN
Take him to the dungeon, men!

THE BLANKET MEN take either arm of MALCOLM and escort him out of the room. Cut to MALCOLM screaming in pain in a blank "dungeon" like room. We cut to various shots of the horrible tortures MALCOLM is going through, mostly of the telepathic painful kind, at the end of this short "montage" we cut to the silent dungeon, where two BLANKET MEN are leaving MALCOLM nearly passed out in pain on the floor of the dungeon. Next to MALCOLM is GEORGE who is eating his own belt. And next to GEORGE is BRAM Hudson, a fat looking american tourist type.

MALCOLM
Oh, sweet lord in heaven. Please let the tortures be over soon.

BRAM
I honestly doubt that is going to happen, pal.

MALCOLM
George... Who is this portly stranger?

BRAM
The names Bram Hudson, I used to own a pop corn shrimp specialty shop, before I took my family out into the forest in search of the Seven Swords of Dignity. My wife, my eleven children, they were all killed by the blanket men. Who are you sir?

MALCOLM
Me? I'm Malcolm McDooFangina, the famed adventurer and geologist. And this is George Schnopps, my companion. I hired the lad to replace my old assistant, Guadalupe, who found himself in the bellies of the rare and monstrous golden alligators of Walvis bay.

GEORGE
You told me that Guadalupe left to go father his child.

MALCOLM
Well, I suppose that only in the face of inevitable death does ones lies become quite evident.

GEORGE
What can we do, Malcolm? Am I to die just like Guadalupe?

MALCOLM
This is almost certain.

BRAM
You two ought to save your energy. The blanket men should be back at any moment to torment the three of us right before nap time.

GEORGE
I cannot handle this unendurable and excruciating routine... I can only find sanctuary in the serenity of death, which I pray for nightly.

MALCOLM
I too, have prayed for your death, George, sweet, sweet george. With death, I know your pain shall be released!

GEORGE
Well, that's comforting.

BRAM
Hush up, the Blanket men are comming back

BLANKET MAN 1 enters and picks up GEORGE and takes him out of the room. We cut to a montage of BRAM and MALCOLM waiting for days for GEORGE to return. Cut from montage to....

BRAM
I cannot go another day without food.

MALCOLM
Me neither.

BRAM
Ohh, I can hardly speak, I am so famished.

THE BLANKET MEN 1 and 2 enter the room, carrying two plates of food. MALCOLM and BRAM begin scarfing down their portions, as this happens the BLANKET MEN begin to laugh.

MALCOLM
What is so funny, You cloaked devils of the night?

BRAM
Is starving us, and watching us eat, truly that hillarious?

BLANKET MAN 1
We are laughing, because of what you are eating!

MALCOLM
I realize that this incorrectly cooked meat is no rack of lamb basted in a sweet and tangy orange mint sauce, but we are starving, as you know well.

BLANKET MAN 2
You are eating your friend! The sheepish fool!

MALCOLM throws down his plate in disgust, while BRAM continues eating.

MALCOLM in udder charlton heston manner
NOOOOO!!!!!!! YOU BASTARDS!!!!!!!!! YOU UNHOLY BASTARDS!!!!!!!!!

We overlap the sound of the screaming into KARITHIUM's throne room Where MALCOLM is once again on his knees in front of KARITHIUM while the two BLANKET MEN guard the exits.

KARIHIUM
So, McDooFangina, you've eaten your own companion, we have tortured your testicles to extreme lengths, don't you want to know?

MALCOLM
Know what?

KARITHIUM
About the Seven Swords, you fool!

MALCOLM
Yes! Tell me of the swords!

KARITHIUM
They don't exist! Ha ha ha ha ha! I am laughing! You see, the entire Seven Swords of Dignity hooplah was created by me! To feed my horrible creature that lives in a cave in the woods.

MALCOLM
You attracted the likes of many tourists and adventurers, all of whom became food for your creature!?

KARITHIUM
Yes and no, my dear explorer-man. Yes, I set it up to attract all of the nobodies and wanderers of the world, to get attacked by the creature, but they are eaten by the creatures beast!

MALCOLM
So the beast lives in the cave and is brought the flesh of the innocent people by the creature?

KARITHIUM
Actually the Beast is a water monster and thusly lives in the ocean. Also it only eats the skeleton of the humans, and leaves the brains for the creature and the flesh for us to feed to our prisoners.

MALCOLM
It sounds like a complicated system.

KARITHIUM
You get used to it.

MALCOLM
So what is going to happen to me, if you don't mind me asking.

KARITHIUM
You will be carved alive by the blanket men, and then your body will be turned into a festive lamp.

MALCOLM
My god.


KARITHIUM
Guards! Take this idiot away. And remember the carving begins at noon!

THE BLANKET MEN take MALCOLM away to the dungeon. BRAM is gone. MALCOLM is thrown to the ground and THE BLANKET MEN leave.

MALCOLM (V.O.)
Mind log 79. It seems my goose is cooked. I will be dead no later than one. Oh woe is me....

We hear strange ghost noises.

MALCOLM
Who's there?

Suddenly the ghost of Sir WALTER Mcdoofangina enters the screen, through the power of "movie magic".

WALTER
So, you're giving up, huh?

MALCOLM
Father? Is it you?

WALTER
I never thought I raised a quitter!

MALCOLM
But father, you hardly raised me at all. You were in space for half of my life, while you were alive.

WALTER
I was doing it for this country! Working closely with the American government, and my trained space partner Houston, I traveled beyond any past space boundaries!

MALCOLM
That's great dad, but you weren't there for me.

WALTER
I trained you didn't I? I was there for you, maybe not later in your life, but when you were a boy, I spent all day teaching you everything I learned from this swirling mass of love and strife.

MALCOLM
Yes father. But you never taught me to love!

WALTER
Don't cry my boy, surely there's one move I tought you, that you still remember?

MALCOLM
Well, I can remember one move!

WALTER
Than bust it, my child, bust it.

WALTER's voice and image fade as two BLANKET MEN enter, MALCOLM jumps up and lifts the blankets from atop their heads. Instead of people being beneath the blanket smoke just billows out, as if the BLANKET MEN evaporated once their blankets were removed. MALCOLM runs up stairs to the throne room, where KARITHIUM is. MALCOLM walks up to the self-proclaimed king of the forest and spits in KARITHIUM's face.

MALCOLM
Good-day, sir!

MALCOLM walks away towards the door with complete confidence as an epic song of triumph begins playing in the background as the NARRATOR begins speaking.

NARRATOR
Malcolm McDooFangina. Adventurer. Geologist. Patriot. His bold strides through history make him...

Before the NARRATOR can finish KARITHIUM shoots MALCOLM in the back and he falls to the floor. Dead.

NARRATOR
Karithium T. Silverhorse. Evil sadist. King of the forest. Patriot. His bold strides through history make him a living legend however, for the rest of his life Karithium was haunted by the ghost of Malcolm McDooFangina, and father Sir Walter McDooFangina. No one knows who truly got the last laugh.

We cut to reveal that the NARRATOR is none other than SHERMAN Bishop sitting at a news desk with JANET Hortini.

SHERMAN (Con't)
That's all the time we have for today,

JANET
Wow Sherman, That Malcolm McDooFangina is a handsome man.

SHERMAN
God, you are such a slut.

JANET
You had sex with a walrus at the christmas party and I'm a slut?

SHERMAN
Ha,ha,ha. Oh Janet, I love how we kid.

JANET
Well that's the end of todays show, tune in tomorrow when I will go to the zoo and interview a wallaby.

SHERMAN
And I'm going to masturbate in a public restroom.

JANET
For action 8 news, I'm Janet Hortini.

SHERMAN
And I'm Sherman Bishop, signing off.

THE END