The Beautiful

You think I’d have learned by now. No one is interested in my journeys. Well, I have another anyway. And this one is true, I swear. Really. It is.

Shut up.

It all began that one day, and it would probably be more effective if I knew just how long ago, or if it was a Monday, or a Thursday. Because personally, I have always hated Monday, and Thursday is a personal favorite of mine. But back to my story. I had just eaten the best fish of my life, only to discover that it was no fish at all, but rather a cat. But what a cat it was! As I finished praying to the porcelain god, it decided to answer my prayers. Or, they would have been my prayers, if I had prayed for what plumbers call “holy shit.” I’m not sure if that’s a figure of speech or what, but we’ll let that one go.

Hours later, I was finally ready to go to the play. How long until I realized that I did not enjoy plays, you ask? Wait, you don’t ask? Well, I will have you know, that it took me only two minutes into the play to discover my distaste for plays. Who knew you could get kicked out for streaking? Surely, not I.

So, I left in my Mercedes Benz. Again, I ask you, who would have known that breaking a window to get into a Mercedes Benz with the sole intent of hot-wiring it to steal and then sell for money would have made so many people mad at me? It turns out that its something along the lines of “illegal.” Bah humbug.

Jail isn’t as bad as people make it seem. There are actually some very interesting people in there. Like Jack, he can belch the alphabet. Or Steve, who do magic tricks. He’s my favorite; one day I woke up to find everything in my cell gone. It was a marvelous trick, I only wish he would have returned it. I guess that would ruin the magic trick, though, right?

Jail, spelled backwards, is Liaj.

In jail, I met the woman of my dreams. Her name was Antonio Maria de la Carte. I called her Sally. She helped me escape, and dropped me off at a town a few miles away. She promised that she would come back for me, but she never did. And I’m still here waiting… Or maybe it was the other way around? Was I supposed to be the one who went back for her? That really would explain a lot. Like all the messages she sends me, saying, “when are you coming back?” Oh, crap.

Did you know that horse tranquilizers are quite powerful?

So, what to do with the rest of my life. Maybe I could be a truck driver? Driving along the countryside… all alone… in a tiny cramped space… eating at random places along the road…that one can go in the ‘maybe’ pile. What about a professional athlete? That doesn’t seem too hard. And they get paid millions. Yeah, that can be a possibility. Or I can start a circus! Yeah…. that’d be a dream come true. A dream that I just dreamt up. This goes back to my philosophy of not having dreams. If you don’t have one then you can’t not achieve your dream. I know that’s awkward, but figure it out. With no dream, you can never fail. You can never come just short of reaching your goal. It makes perfect sense, just think about it.

Speaking of philosophies, I will now for the first time publish my dietary theory. Hell, everyone else has one, why not me, too? Well, here it goes. All you have to do is this: for every unhealthy item you eat, eat something healthy with it, as well. The negative and positive of healthiness cancel each other out, so you’re fine. For example: Eat a Twinkie, eat an apple. It’s as simple as that. You all laugh at me, but one day I’ll be rich off of this theory.

But back to the story. I thought about starting a circus, but realized how ridiculous that would be. It would be so much easier just to join a circus! I could be half man, half… something. But what? Half man, half donkey? No…I’d tried that…. let’s just say Project Donkey-Man was a failure. Half man, half parrot? Worth a shot, I guess. They shall call me “parrot man,” I thought. Boy, was I wrong. I was called “freak” numerous times, but the one comment that really hurt was “hey, you’re not really half a parrot, you just glued a milk carton to your face and painted it blue.” It was all lies, but they wouldn’t listen. No matter how hard I tried to convince them that it was actually a juice carton, they were convinced otherwise.

I’ve always wanted to name a monkey “Joey.” Joey the monkey. Now that’s the life.

It was just after I quit that I met another girl of my dreams. The parrot in me said no, but the heart in me said yes. So, we played paper-rock-scissors to see what I would do. Damn rock lost it for me. So I had to let her go. Lucky for me she had a twin sister. And boy was she HOT. I mean, she was smoking. She was on fire. So after I ran to get some water and put the flame out, I thought I’d be in for sure. Turns out it was a man. Oh well.

Quack.

So Christmas was coming up, and even though I don’t celebrate it spiritually, it’s still nice to have someone to be with, right? Well, it was looking like I was going to be alone for Christmas again. I couldn’t do that whole “mail-order bride” thing, for two reasons. The first was that it didn’t exactly work out between the bride and me, which leads to the second reason: it was a “male”-order bride service. You figure the rest out; I’m shuddering just thinking about him.

Why do writers go into so much detail when telling stories? Isn’t the story more important than individual sentences? I mean, descriptive sentences are so “Moby Dick.” Yeah, you heard me. MOBY DICK.

I once owned a pig. What a pig it was. Had it been alive, it would have been my best friend. But, being dead, it was only good to me in one form: Bacon. This, technically, is the closest I’ve been to having a friend over for Christmas. And what a friend he was. Such a tasty friend…

I like sparkly things.

So, with this lack of friend issue, I went to the pound to find a dog that I could eat for Christmas dinner. Not eat, treat. How foolish of me…

The pound has never been nice to me, but today, for some reason unknown to me, they gave me a free leash with the dog because they said that I had already taken the dog home once but lost it. I’ll never know why they gave me the leash, but who cares, I had a free leash!

As I got home, I was just in time for the mail. The UPS driver came up to me and asked me to sign for a package. I was very cautious when it came to mail, based on previous experiences.

“It’s ticking!”

“Sir, It’s a clock. It says so on the label. See? ‘There is a clock inside this box.’”

“But it’s TICKING!”

“You’re an idiot, sir. Screw it, I’m leaving it with you.”

“There’s no time for that! We have to go!”

How many pumpkin seeds are in a pumpkin?

It turns out there really was a clock in there. In fact, I had ordered it just a week ago. Silly me.

The clock was a gift for my doctor. He was convinced that I heard voiced in my head. In other words, he thought I was "crazy." But I'm not crazy. You're crazy.

I suppose that would explain what those little blue pills were for...

Did you know that little blue pills make the voices go away?