Nextlife

“072558-hum-m-040807 please move forward now,” the voice said. Where, I thought? It was dark. I could see absolutely nothing. But I could hear something. It was a low hum, or maybe a murmur. I wasn’t alone. “0807, I don’t have forever,” the voice said with an irritated tone. Somehow I moved, but I’m not sure how. His irritated tone urged me to move. “This way, this way” the voice said. “Through here.” I followed the voice, not out of enjoyment, but out of a need to be. I knew enough already to know that I wasn’t. “Wasn’t what?”  I asked out loud. “You are nothing now,” the voice said. You are, until you pick, just 072558-hum-m-040807.”

I followed my guide, sightless, but without hesitation. I could still hear murmuring, but it soon faded. Then I could hear nothing but a tingling sound, and my guide, who was wheezing as he moved ahead of me. As we moved through space, I could feel something cool and light brushing against me. The voice went quiet, then suddenly “get ready, 0807, this can be a shock.”

Light surrounded me suddenly and I reacted by recoiled with fear. Sounds came from everywhere; loud sounds, both melodic and grating. I moved backward quickly toward the darkness. “You can’t return now, you already made this choice” the voice said. “Now let’s get going, I have at least 100 more after you.” I wanted to stop. “What choice, what others, what are you talking about?” I asked. “0807, stop wasting my time, we know you thought about this 792 times in your past life. It’s all in your nextlife records. I must say however that I seen easier cases than yours. I hope you will respect my time and not change your mind a lot. It’s just a lifetime we are talking about.”

I looked at the space ahead of me. There was no end to it. It went on in length and width and height for as far as I could see. But it was what was directly around me that shocked me the most. “I recommend you start here,” the voice said. “The records indicate you thought about this 278 times.” My guide maneuvered me forward, directly in front of a dolphin. “I’ll be with you in a sec” the dolphin said, baring a row of shiny white and pointed teeth. I waited, dumfounded. The dolphin was behind a table pointing to a chart with his fin. “We are absolutely the most happy, playful beings in the room. I dare you to find anyone else who will tell you differently.” I stared at the dolphin in amazement. “Stop by again before you make a decision. I know I can match any other deal” the dolphin finished and flashed his long and pointy smile. “Let me see his record,” the dolphin said, turning and pointing his fin at my guide. “278 times! That’s a 35.1% frequency rate! What are we waiting for?” The dolphin wasn’t even looking at me, I thought. Why isn’t he looking at me? My guide quickly agreed. “35.1% is a no brainer, 0807. Let’s do it.” I looked at my guide for a dumfounded moment and then it hit me.

“Oh no, not so fast,” I said quickly. “Let me see my record.” “You made the record,” my guide said, exasperatedly. “I know I did, but I want to see it anyway!” The dolphin, hearing this, said, “Top of the food chain you know. I can get you into the Bahamas, off the coast of Florida, or in a little bay in Brazil. I can guarantee you top of the chain.” “I want to see my record,” I said again, more demanding this time. The guide stared at me for a minute with a look of disgust, and then passed me my record.

Aardvark (2), beaver (1), dinosaur (unspecified) (17), dolphin (278), eagle (123), golden retriever (204), lemming (2), marmoset (1), platypus (3), rabbit (132), shark (14), snake (14), tarantula (1)

I stared at the list in disbelief. “A shark?” the dolphin squealed, loud enough that most of nearby booth attendants turned to look at us. “You picked a shark 14 times? What kind a freak were you?” “Whoa buddy, this record is his and his alone,” my guide responded. “It’s none of your business what other choices he might have considered.” The dolphin shook his snout in disgust then looked past us, yelling “Top of the food chain, top of the food chain, guaranteed, top of the food chain!”

I moved from the dolphin booth and my guide followed me. “A platypus?” I asked. My guide sighed. “That is an odd one, but we don’t get many lining up at the tarantula booth either.” He pointed down to the booth on the left. A tarantula was squatted there combing one of his legs. He didn’t even bother to look up as nextlifers passed him by. A thought suddenly occurred to me. “If no one ever stops by and picks him, how do tarantulas continue?” “Listen,” my guide said, “I really don’t have time for this and neither do you.” “But I want to know,” I insisted. “Ok,” he said. “There are two ways. First, anyone who doesn’t think about their nextlife doesn’t get a choice. The insects make out the best with them. Mosquitoes, spiders, gnats all get repopulated this way. Butterflies, ladybugs, and love bugs are the only insects that have busy booths.” “Love bugs?” I asked. “Oh yeah, they’ve gotten a great marketing pitch! The second way should concern you more. If you don’t pick by the end of this session then I pick for you and I’ve got a schedule to keep. Now let’s get going!”

I looked at my record and went to the snake booth. “You want respect! You want people to jump out of your way? You want a new skin every year?” The snake hissed at me as he raised his head. “I can put you in a 5 foot model right now with a rattle on your tail,” he said grinning and moving his head from side to side. “Do I want others to fear me?” I blurted out, in spite of myself. “Oh yeah, it’s great! Do see how much respect I have?” The snake used his head like a pointer. It was true. There wasn’t another booth anywhere nearby. Across the aisle, the squirrels, chipmunks, and lemmings were just about on top of each other at their booths. “And, we eat once or twice a week, tops. No constant foraging, like those idiot squirrels.” I turned around again to see the squirrel munching on a tiny nut while talking to a group of nextlifers. “Let me give it some thought,” I said politely, moving backward from the booth. “Be careful not to make a bad decision,” the snake responded, “it would be an unfortunate decision to come back as my next meal.”

“Hurry,” my guide said. “I don’t know when your session ends. We don’t control that here.” I moved to the platypus booth but passed it without stopping. I passed the lion booth as he was explaining to the nextlifers gathered, how good raw meat really tasted. I passed the love bug booth as a nextlifer was asking about windshields. The next booth had a huge crowd, and an eagle with his wings spread wide was explaining what flight would feel like. The ant at the next booth was lifting a huge ball of dirt while discussing the virtues of communal life. Finally I stopped at the possum booth.

“It’s not on your list,” the guide said. “I know, but they are sort of cute,” I said as I stood
in front of the pointy faced creature who was not quite facing me. “I’m not so good with my eyes but I’m very adorable,” the possum said cheerfully. “That’s what I want,” I shouted excitedly. “Adorable!! I want to be a possum for my nextlife.”

And swoosh, there I was. The possum at the booth was right about my new life. I couldn’t see very well, but I could smell everything. A sweet smelling plant behind me, the musky, gritty smell of a raccoon nearby, and something very strong right under my nose. A hot, oily smell, like tar, or maybe asphalt assaulted my nostrils. “Uh, oh” I said as I lifted my head to a very loud noise quickly approaching me.

The voice in the darkness said, “072558-pos-m-040907 please move forward now”.