Today

A good day, only a few days ago it was a good day. But now, at this moment, my mind cant even grasp the sensation of a perfectly normal, good day. Two days ago…it was the same as today. I slept but I didn’t rest…An ongoing cycle of restlessness causes my mind to be foggy, like I’m on co-pilot, not really away, but not really in control.  I know I have to get back in the drivers seat, I have to whip this before it whips me… I’ve got to get my mind focused on doing something, just pick one small task to successfully carry out. I stare in the bathroom mirror,  I look at the toothbrush…. I reach for the toothpaste, my eyes blurr out of vision and I see, in the refelction of the mirror, a bedroom with clothes strewn across the furniture and floor….I have to wash clothes….I sigh from deep within my chest with dissapiontment….”just BRUSh your teeth”…
My cell phone rings…I quickly reach for the mute button, as If the ringing gives me no option but to answer. I cant answer. I cant talk to them, whoever it is…probably a grandparent who hasn’t seen much of me lately. For a split second I feel guilty for neglecting them but quickly, my guily turns to anger. Im mad because I know that almost any other day, I could’ve picked up the phone, but WHY…WHY did the phone have to ring today, pulling me into another crippling mindgame?
I shuffle through the hallway listening for the sound of the baby crying…just a few minutes ago I was praying for relief from her, so I could rest, but now, as she sleeps contently in her crib, I feel alone. I know I’ll regret waking her too soon because I have got to get myself focused so I can tend to her properly. So I wait, I stand at the lving room window and look out…The skies are blue and the sun is reflecting off of the pavement, casting a glare into the window…I squint and swallow a lump in my throat.  I want to cry…because I want to go outside, but I’m afraid to. It seems so big….It looks like any other day, in fact, It look slike just the other day when I was at the beach with Abby. So, why does it look “different”. My thoughts seem to stomp a mudd puddle in my mind….Im caught up in a complicated equation that cant be solved…So I just stare ….and I  stare, and I  close my eyes……..the darkness of my closed eyelids gives me a moment of peace…….a sorrowful peace………………………………………my mind drifts back into consciousness…..The sound of a soft cry turns my attention away from myself….Shes awake……I  walk to the doorway of the bedroom and see two small hands reaching out to me for comfort…..I let go of all that consumed my mind before and I can feel God whispering to my spirit….a gentle, but firm nudge to go on…..the day has to go on…..Abby needs me….So I push a smile into my lips…..and reach to her…. ………