No Escape

Wherever you go, there you are, baggage and all. In my younger years I thought that life would be better if I moved to another city. I’d leave the place that caused my emotional pain.

My story goes back to 1969 (age twenty-five). I was dating a man 20 years my senior. I had not been particularly attracted to him until he kissed me. Suddenly, age didn’t matter. He was separated from his wife and we had an enjoyable relationship for about six months . . . at which time he had made a decision to go back to his wife. I was devastated!

I drove by his house on many occasions, never stopping, just looking to see if I could spot him outside. I never saw him again. I just couldn’t stay in the same city anymore, for it was driving me crazy.

In my fantasy, I thought that a move would give me a brand new start. I could forget about him and meet somebody else. I thought my attitude would magically change and I’d leave my problems behind.

One definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over, and think you’ll come up with a different result. It took several years to rid myself of the insanity . . . the results were always the same. A new environment didn’t cure the problem or cause me to change into my ideal self.

Several years later and a few more moves, I had a rude awakening when I caught on to the fact that there was no magical place I could go to achieve the happiness I wanted so badly. By that time I had gotten over my gentleman friend and other problems over which I tried the escape route of moving.

A fragile self-esteem and inability to accept myself for the unique person I am, has been the root cause of major depression in my life. All my attempts to escape myself have been futile. Happiness is an inside job, and at age 62 as I write this, I’m still reminding myself that I’m not a misfit. I’m a child of God. I can better see my worth as a human being and accept my choices, whether they are good or poor choices.

Call me a slow learner or late bloomer (I prefer the term “late bloomer”). The journey isn’t over and my purpose on this earth is a work in progress ― one day at a time.

Through this article I want to convey the message that you can never leave part of you behind. You’re special because you’re a child of God. Nobody can make you happy. Nobody can make you angry or sad. Climbing out of the pits is a challenge, and well worth the effort.

You might think, dear reader, as I did for many years, that you’re a victim of circumstances. It doesn’t have to be that way. One of my favorite sayings about living in the present is, “Yesterday is a cancelled check, tomorrow is a promissory note, and today is a gift. That’s why it’s called the present.”