Robin Hood is Dead

This piece is dialogue, provided as a short comedy sketch.

The style is supposed to be Monty Python meets Sacha Baron Cohen (no not Sasha Cohen, that really would be trippy) and Billy Connolly.

Some clarity for those that apparently need it, (based upon reviews):

Yes, it is tongue-in-cheek
Yes, it is supposed to make you laugh
No, there is no other point to it
Yes, it does use very naughty words
Yes, it does have the potential to offend the sensitive, particularly some of our more religious friends
Yes, the imagery is supposed to be that shocking; it's intended as part of the humour!
No, I really don't care



***** Start word count!


TITLE: ROBIN HOOD IS UNDEAD

SET: Robin Hood and Friar Tuck are wandering the Earth as zombies, following their tortured deaths at the hands of the Sheriff of Nottingham:



ENTER ZOMBIES ROBIN HOOD AND FRIAR TUCK

‘It’s not important if you’ve got the intellect of a lobotomised gnat. It’s what’s on the inside that counts. And I’m kind, generous towards the poor, and damn sexy.’

FRIAR TUCK:

“What are you drivelling on about?”


ROBIN HOOD:

“Shit, was I speaking out loud again?”


FRIAR TUCK:

“Well, it’s hard to tell when you fart so much, but I think that you were disguising staccato flatulence with some accompanying diarrhoea dribble about ‘it’s what’s on the inside that counts’!”


ROBIN HOOD:

“Shut the tuck up Fuck… I mean….

Christ, how did I say that without farting?

Anyway, this is your fault; the Sheriff only caught us because you were shit-faced.”


FRIAR TUCK:

“Oh not that old chestnut! Which, by the way, is what you seem to have delivered along with your soliloquy.”


ROBIN HOOD:

“Sorry. Just don't step in it.
And what the fuck is a soliloquy? You think you’re so smart with your Latin education. Fat little rich boy. I'll never forgive you for doing this to me.”


FRIAR TUCK:

“You did it to yourself. When the Sheriff was torturing you, you should have told him what he wanted to know!”


ROBIN HOOD:

“You slimy prig! I am destined to walk Undead upon the Earth forever, with my mouth stitched closed and my arse torn open because I couldn’t tell him what he wanted to know!

The Sheriff swore that unless I revealed how to give Maid Marion an orgasm, he’d cut me a new mouth in my arse. And how the hell could I know that?

I kept screaming,

‘How the fuck would I know how she orgasms??
She’s a fuckin’ virgin! That’s why she’s called ‘Maid’ you fuck-wit!'

Of course by the time he’d stitched my mouth up and kept his promise for a new one, I hadn’t learnt to control my sphincter muscles, so all I managed to do as I screamed was cover him in shit, punctuating each word with an arse belch.”


FRIAR TUCK:

“Charming. You’re good at it now though, look. You didn’t spray me once that time!”


ROBIN HOOD:

“Don’t kiss arse now, fatso, I’m trying to speak.”


FRIAR TUCK:

“I really don’t like the way you talk to me. If we’re going to perambulate the Earth forever together we…”


ROBIN HOOD:

“Perambulate? You jumped up lump of coagulated blood and pus. We WALK. Just like your goddamned Christ did with that bloody tree on his back.
And while we’re on the subject…  you promised that we’d die and be delivered to Heaven because Christ died to pay for our sins.
We were short-changed; Jesus’ cheque bounced, my fetid freaky friend.
We’re clearly in Hell, (or possibly Wales).

Ah. Remember when we used to sit under the tall trees of Sherwood, and you’d produce a bottle of mead and a song?
You’d slip your pudgy fingers under your cassock and start playing with your Cossack.
‘Jesus will save me’, you said. ‘Jesus saves!’ “


FRIAR TUCK:

“That’s totally untrue: I never played with my Cossack!”


ROBIN HOOD:

“You did too. Get over it.


Anyway. Where was I?”


FRIAR TUCK:

“You were being uncouth again. No wonder the rest of the Merry Men despised you so much.”


ROBIN HOOD:

“The Merry Men did not despise me. They respected me as their Lord and leader.”


FRIAR TUCK:

“So why did they call you Dobbin of Cocksley?”


ROBIN HOOD:

“They didn’t?”


FRIAR TUCK:

“They so did.
Even Maid Marion took the piss; she always laughed that it was a cruel joke that you were called Robin the Hood, considering that you didn’t have one.”


ROBIN HOOD:

“Bitch.”


FRIAR TUCK:

“Quite. Anyhow. Isn’t it time we gave up this sorry existence of devouring living people? Couldn’t we go veggie? ”


ROBIN HOOD:

“Oh for Christ’s sake. You sad bastard. We’re zombies. We Zombie, or whatever. We’re supposed to … oh sorry, I spat a bit.”


FRIAR TUCK:

“It’s ok. We’re friends.”


ROBIN HOOD:

“Get your arm off me, bum-boy. I haven’t sunk that low. No really, get ..  get OFF!”


FRIAR TUCK:

“Oh come on Robin. Just stand still.”


ROBIN HOOD:

“Gurugh arhkg svlhooss!”


FRIAR TUCK:

“I’m sorry?”


ROBIN HOOD:

“I said put that thing back in, and you’re a Dead Undead! I mean it.”


FRIAR TUCK:

“Come on, I won’t be a minute! 
Ha ha, that’s also what Maid Marion used to laugh about. Apparently that was your battle cry!”


ROBIN HOOD:

“Lying bitch. I told you, she was a fricking virgin. Now GET THE FUCK OFF ME!”


FRIAR TUCK:

“Oh you’re such a spoil sport. Hang on, who’s that?”


ROBIN HOOD:

“Quick, get off.”


FRIAR TUCK:

“It’s Satan. Oh hooray!

Hello Louise.”


LUCIFER:

“Fuck off Friar. It’s Lucifer to you.”


FRIAR TUCK:

“Oh, sorry.”


LUCIFER:

“What are you doing to Robin? For Hell’s sake, leave him alone.
Ha ha! He can’t talk with that in his mouth, arse, whatever!”


FRIAR TUCK:

“You’re not funny Lu. You never were. That’s why God kicked you out in the first place.
Then you pulled that stunt, moving the rock while they were closed for Easter. He’ll never let you back upstairs now until you tell him where you hid Jesus.”


LUCIFER:

“Oh, I’ve seen him wandering around. We even interviewed him for our show.”


FRIAR TUCK:

“What show?”


LUCIFER:

“Well, that’s why I came to find you. We’re doing a news programme about ‘Hell’s Got Talent’. We're interviewing contestants. Interested?”


FRIAR TUCK:

“Sure. What did Jesus do?”


LUCIFER:

“Same old shite. Trying the Jedi mind shit to convince people he can save them. I don’t know why he doesn’t just let his Dad do it."


ROBIN HOOD:

“We can tell you how to give Maid Marion an orgasm!”


LUCIFER:

“Cool.
Roll camera….”



END

Word Count 993