To Walk Again

TO WALK AGAIN

         I am sitting in my wheel chair in the corridor of the hospital. This is all new to me, even the eye level. I am afraid and I have lost control of my life.

         I need help with everything. Someone has to open my containers of milk and juice for me at breakfast because it takes two hands and I have only the that works. When I need to go to the bathroom, I have to call someone to help me. Someone puts me to bed and helps me get up in the morning. Someone gives me a shower and dresses me. I can't hook my own bra because my left hand has lost its ability to do things like that.

         And now they tell me I am going to walk, Now, right now. The walker is in front of my chair. Judy, my therapist, is confident and encouraging. She is young, younger than my children. She is strong and fit. Can she know how an old woman feels in a wheel chair after a lifetime of caring for herself and others? I have lost things that are terribly important to a woman my age: privacy, dignity, independence. Judy is here to help me get them back, but how can she understand where I am now?

         "Grasp the arms of your chair and push up. You can do it."

         I try to make light of it, but I am so terribly afraid. Thoughts of falls and broken hips terrify me. Judy says, "I won't let you fall I promise."

         I do as she told me. I am on my feet. I grab the walker and hold on like grim death. I feel as if I am bending the metal handles. I take a step and my weak left leg buckles. Judy is right there. Another step. Another. My heart is hammering against my ribs. I am so afraid! I have never been so afraid. Another step. Judy supports and encourages. I'm doing great, she says. Another step. Someone is bringing my chair behind me. Judy is holding me. Eight steps, nine, ten. I am in my chair again. I am shaking and trying not to cry. I have walked ten steps. Judy praises my effort and tells me again that I did well.

         My arms ache from holding the walker so tightly. My heart rate quiets and I look up and smile. I did it. I will be me again. I will walk out if this place and go back to my life again. The stroke is not a defeat.. It is a new experience and I will learn and grow from it.

         I repeat to myself the words of a Bible verse I have known for years."All things work together for good to them that love God, to them that are the called, according to His purpose."