Inspiration and Motivation

As I layed across the bed I watched them as they slept. My babies. My sons. So peaceful and angelic. I wonder what the future holds. Well their lives be scarred by the mistakes their father and I have made in the past couple of years. So many bad choices that were in our control and so much of life that was out of our control. It is hard to see at this point what came first. I'll just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. I have to for their sake.

When I think of any achievements or goals I may have reached I immediately think of my sons. Being a Mom is my greatest motivator. Like most families we have had our share of problems and trauma. I am proud to say, however that we keep fighting and have never given up. I continue to want a better life for my sons. My wish is that my sons own personal goals and triumphs now and in the future are even grander than my own. It is for all these reasons that I feel being a good role model is so important. I want them to see for themselves that no matter what life has in store you should not give in or give up.
In 1991 my first born son, Joaquin at the young age of 9 years, passed away after a two year battle with Leukemia. The two year battle included a public plea to the community for everyone to go to the City of Hope in Duarte, California where they could be tested through a simple blood donation and get on the National Bone Marrow Registry as possible bone marrow donors. We achieved this through the newspapers, radios and local news. My son lost his hard fought battle. However, we consider the bone marrow drive a success because of something my son said in an interview with a reporter, “Even if we are unable to find a match for me we may find one for someone else and save their life.” It was reported that due to our pleas the City of Hope added thousands to the registry in Joaquin’s name. I know in my heart that lives were saved because of Joaquin’s wise words and all of those wonderful people who wanted to help.
Within 6 months of my son passing away my husband and I decided to move to South Dakota with our 5 and 1 year old sons. Our goal was to repair our failing marriage which I had all but ruined. The recent illness, death and loss of Joaquin had changed both of us. We did not succeed at this goal and when my husband left he was no longer helping me financially or in any other way with the boys so with my sister’s help I moved the four of us back to California. By this time I had one more son who at this time was 4 months old. I was uncomfortable and embarrassed but I had no choice but to go on public assistance. A year later I began to reach the goals I had set for myself when I was able to purchase an old 1979 Zephyr and move from my sisters crowded home into a small apartment with my sons. Two and a half years later I returned to school and began working for the Head Start program which allowed me to get off public assistance.
The return to school was not an easy achievement for me. It had been over 20 years since I had attended school. I had never taken a college course. It had always seemed out of my reach as a young adult. Then as I got involved and began volunteering in the Head Start program I saw some opportunities opening up to me. As a volunteer I found I liked working in the community, so when a 2 year certificate program was offered by Cal State LA and Head Start, for Head Start employees and the parent volunteers who qualified, I jumped at the opportunity. With the guidance and encouragement from the Head Start staff I felt I could do it. I had to face some difficulties like child care and transportation issues. I would have to go into Los Angeles once a week for the class. I overcame those obstacles weekly with the help of family and friends. The biggest personal hurdle that I had immediately however was one I had to face alone. I got lost on my way to the first class and was nearly 30 minutes late. Almost in tears and with a nervous stomach I finally found the location where they were holding the class. By that time I had come up with a dozen excuses as to why I should turn around and go home. They were all based on the fear that I did not want to walk into this class full of professional men and woman, 30 minutes late. I had one reason that outweighed my excuses and fears and kept me moving toward the door and finally inside. I had to succeed for my family’s sake. I did not want to let my sons or myself down. I couldn’t believe it myself when I walked into the crowded room where the students were all sitting with their backs to the wall and the Professor was in the center of the room. The Professor looked at me and I found myself apologizing and explaining that I had gotten lost on my long drive from the Antelope Valley and it wouldn’t happen again. The professor gave me a slight smile, handed me some papers and continued to talk. With that my fear was over and I was never late for another class.
I sometimes can’t help but wonder how and why I have been able to continue to function and move forward toward difficult goals. I ask myself why I never gave into a breakdown, alcohol or drugs. The opportunities presented themselves and I came close on more than one occasion. Life is still difficult at times and we have had several set backs along the way. Why do I keep trying? The answer is always the same. My sons need me and obviously I’ve needed them. They are my motivation and my inspiration. I will continue to set goals and try to better our lives, no matter what else we are going to face in the future.
Since I wrote this paper in 2005 we have had some changes. My second born son is now a Airman 2nd class in the Airforce. My 3rd son stuggles with school due to ADD but is still fighting hard and determined to get his high school diploma. My third and youngest son will be a sophmore this year. Life is often a challenge but with faith and finding what motivates you personally we can get through anything.
I have been a employee for Head Start for 10 years in the social services field and love my work. I am close to those I work with who share my compassiona nd ability to help others who are struggling. Now I have returned to my secret passion of writing and it fills my days with joy.