A Moment of Peace

As I watched my husband carry our nine-year old son up the cold stained walkway toward the hospital entrance it was with the knowledge that my son wouldn’t be returning home with us when we left. My son, Joaquin had been diagnosed with ALL, Acute Lympho Leukemia nearly two years prior to this day. In those two years we had gone through ups and downs filled with hope and despair. The day after Christmas my husband and I were told that Joaquin would not be going back into remission as he had done twice before. They told us that his prognosis was that he had a month to live. After a lengthy discussion with the Oncologist my husband and I decided to take our son home where he would be with his brothers and family. It had been exactly one month and here we were on January 26th walking into the hospital. I had called the doctor and explained how helpless I felt. I told the doctor that I needed to bring him back to the City of Hope so that we could make him as comfortable as possible.

Bringing Joaquin back to the hospital wasn’t what I had thought I wanted. What I had wanted was to be brave. I wanted to be the person that you see in the movies sitting by their dieing loved one bravely praying, reading, singing or whispering in their ear as they took their last breaths but it wasn’t that way for us. Joaquin was confused and I was not being very brave. My husband was lost and in pain. He didn’t know how to help either. So the doctor told us that if we were more comfortable to of course bring him in. It was the right choice for us. I see that now. Once we reached the hospital and saw the friendly nurses who had been by our sides the past two years I was able to breath a little easier. I remember Nurse Jeanie and I know that their was at least two other nurses who were there lending their support and I apologize but I do not remember their names.

Joaquin was made comfortable in bed inside of a familiar room that we had visited a few times over the years. Joaquin recognized Nurse Jeanie and smiled at her. Sometime in those first few minutes Nurse Jeanie pulled me and my husband a little to the side and said the doctor would be here soon. She also let me know that she felt Joaquin did not have much longer. I suppose years here in the children’s wing of the City of Hope had given her enough experience with terminally ill children that she almost instantly knew.

Joaquin made a little small talk. Some of it we understood. Some of it we didn’t. I later became very thankful that I understood more than what Joaquin was saying to me. My husband stood at the end of the bed as I sat next to my son and tried to express how much we loved him. I am sure Joaquin understood what was happening but he didn’t act scared or sad. I noticed a puzzled look on Joaquin’s face though at one point and I turned to see what it was he was looking at behind me. I saw nothing of special interest. I asked Joaquin “what is it”? Joaquin asked with a grin “What is she doing here”? Both my husband and I turned to see if someone had walked in and we hadn’t noticed. There was no one there. “Who babe, who is it”? My son grinned again and shook his head slightly. “No, I guess it is just my medicine playing tricks on me again”. My husband and I looked at one another and smiled. We later confirmed with one another that we both felt it. It was my mother, Joaquin’s Grandmother who had passed away when Joaquin was five years old.

Grandma had come to be with him and take him to a much better place. Joaquin and his Grandma had been extremely close. She had babysat him 5-6 times a week from the time he was two until the day she was suddenly taken by a heart attack in 1986. That moment gave me peace as I visualized my mom holding up her finger to her lips in a gesture that told Joaquin to keep it a secret. Joaquin left us within that hour. I lost that moment of peace while I grieved and tried to make myself believe that my life wouldn’t include his presence any longer. We sat there for a long time. Not wanting to let him go. Walking away without him was nearly impossible. I kept wanting to turn around and go back. There was nothing my husband or I could say to make this moment acceptable. We went immediately to family and friends who had gathered at my sisters. Oddly enough it was days before we shared with anyone else or even with one another what we had witnessed between Joaquin and my mother. I am so grateful for that last peaceful moment with them. I want to thank you Mom for being there. I somehow knew you would be.