Contest winners page

The winner of round one was chimpy121


1. Joke: Lets start with a joke, tell me your best/favourite joke. (It's not required so if you can't think of one skip it!)
Answer: What do you call a dancing chicken?

Poultry in motion!

2. Chicken: So why did the chicken cross the road?
Answer : In a vain attempt to reach the cow that had just fallen from the moon. Neither of them survived. The chicken ended out splattered across the grill of a semi-truck and the cow... well... see below.

3. cow: Why did the cow jump over the moon?
Answer : To impress the chicken from question 2. Four broken legs and three days on life support still couldn't save her. And her udders... let's not even talk about them...

4. Sailor: What do you do with a drunken sailor?
Answer : Try to con him into buying you drinks. If that doesn't work, you take him to Wal-Mart, strip him down and leave him in a shopping cart in the little girls undergarments section.

5. fools: Why do fools fall in love?
Answer: Because... they're fools. I'm divorced, so... I guess I'm no longer a fool... just a suffering moron. A lonely... suffering... moron.

6. birds: why is a bird in the hand worth two in the bush?
Answer : You can squeeze it to death much easier if you have it in your hand...

Winner of round two was AnthonyLund though again this was hard
[1.] Joke:
Answer: How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?

Shine a torch into her ear...

[2.] excuse:
Answer: I'm allergic to it.

[3.] late:
Answer: I got stuck behind a slow moving vehicle. That didn't make me late but trying to find one to get stuck behind did.

[4.] stitch:
Answer: Time travelling dwarves from falling into limbo.

[5.] humpty:
Answer: Dumptying his humpty.

[6.] question:
Answer: In the grand scheme of things, is the Hokey Kokey what it's really all about?

Winner of Round Three Meg ~ Though again a really tough choice. I may need to get some help judging!

1. Joke: Lets start with a joke, tell me your best/favourite joke. (It's not required so if you can't think of one skip it!)
Answer : Little Master 5 year old came home and told his Mum he had found a dead cat.
Mum : "How did you know it was dead?"
Mr.5 : "I pissed in its ear and it didn't move!"
Mum : "You what?"
Mr.5 : "I leaned over and went 'Psssst' in its ear and it didn't move, so it must have been dead!"

2. mice: How did the blind mice know the farmer's wife was after them?
Answer : THEY all ran after the farmer's wife!
They smelled the peanut butter on her breath.
They prefer peanut butter rather than cheese on mouse traps, you know!

3. speeding: What's your best excuse for speeding?
Answer : ME : I had to get my horse to the race track before the start of the 3rd race.
COP: But you haven't got a horse in your car!
ME : No, he's one of the horses that were scratched from the race!

4. goldilocks: What was goldilocks doing wandering about the woods on her own?
Answer: She was looking for Little Red Riding Hood.
She wanted to get in touch with the Big Bad Wolf, to take out a contract on the Three Bears!

5. life: What is the meaning of life?
Answer: To live to a ripe old age without making a complete idiot of yourself.
I am not a complete idiot, but I am working on it!

6. question: If you could ask a silly question here what would it be?
Answer : What is the speed of Dark?


The winner of Round Four was K. Nicole

1. Joke: Lets start with a joke, tell me your best/favourite joke. (It's not required so if you can't think of one skip it!)
Answer : Joke: What is the last thing to go through a bug's mind when it hits a windshield?

Answer: His butt.

2. dark: What is the speed of dark? ( thanks to Meg ~
Answer: Depends...how fast can you blink?

3. cat: Your cat has just eaten the neighbour's bird, feathers lie at your feet, how do you defend your beloved cat from these charges?
Answer: I apologize for your loss but my Kevorkian kitty apparently was fulfilling the birds wish for assisted suicide. Apparently he had a terrible case of molting and was tired of having to repeat stupid phrases like "pretty bird," and "polly want a cracker."

4. ridinghood: Was red ridinghood blind? I mean didn't the fur give the game away?
Answer : Well since she is such an annoyingly perfect and polite little girl, little miss hood thought it best not to bring up the disgusting side affect of aging such as unsightly hair in places best unmentioned. Of course this would have upset her poor ailing grandmother.

5. jack_Jill: Did any one go and get the water Jack and Jill were to clumsy to fetch?
Answer : Apparently Jack and Jill were also too clumsy to realize that they could have easily gotten the water at the bottom of the hill where it pools from a little stream, thus saving them the pain and embarrassment of falling down. But to answer the question...yes.

6. question: If you could ask a silly question here what would it be?
Answer : Whose bright idea was it to put a baby in a cradle up in a tree and then sing about it falling down "baby and all" to little kids?

Overall winner of round five was Puditat

2. candlestick: Why did Jack jump over the candlestick?
Answer : Back in the days of Jack, they were holding a series of Olympic events. One night the events were running late and so they were using candles to light the playing field. A competitor tripped up and Jack, the only medically able person there, had to get to the patient quickly. He jumped over the candlestick to do so.

PS. they decided to include the event in future Olympics, but because of a few "accidents" with contestants shorts burning, they devised a safer system and called them hurdles.

3. baby: Whose bright idea was it to put a baby in a cradle up in a tree and then sing about it falling down "baby and all" to little kids?
Answer : Jenny Scarlet was at fault. Her mum made her go babysitting and she hated it, so she devised a plan to never be allowed to babysit again. Next time she was made to babysit she put the baby in a cradle in the tree and left it there until her mum came home. Her mum was so upset and raved about how the baby could have fallen. After a few years, her mum's memory faded and wanted Jenny to babysit the new young family member. So Jenny made up a song, just to remind her mum of what might happen. She never had to babysit again.

4. tongue: Why can't tongue depressors just keep their own negativity to themselves?
Answer : It'actually a chemical testing agent disguised as a wooden stick. You think they're checking your tonsils and throat, but it's automatically checking to see whether you've lied or not. They called it a depressor because they linked lies to unhealthy and sad living. Unfortunately, because patients are nervous when they go to the doctor, the depressor picks up the negative energy of the patient and records everyone as a liar. So far, the doctors have been blind to this staggering 100% lying rate.

5. bikinis: Why are bras and panties restricted to indoors but it's perfectly acceptable to wear bikinis in public?
Answer : It's all related to how far you are from water. When in the house, you're never that far from a tap, and taps have water. However, once outside, a bra and panties would only become acceptable when in line of sight of some water. It so happens that people wear bikinis near swimming places and so people think it is not acceptable to wear bra and panties outside.

6. dog: Your dog has just brought you your neighbours paper. What do you do?
Answer : Go out to the backyard, dig a hole and bury it!

7. Life: If the answer to life and the universe is 42 what is the answer to death?
Answer : Zero

8. jerry: How come folk still expect good news when dragged onto jerry springer?
Answer : Because they've been told they've won a car and appearing on the Oprah Show.

9. jack: What was jack horner doing in the corner anyway?
Answer: He'd been a very naughty boy, his mum caught him stealing plums from the neighbours tree.

10. ladybird: Why is the song so insistent the ladybird has to return to an inferno?
Answer :Because she's red and everyone knows that people (or bugs in this case) don't burn if they're dressed in red.


Winner of the best joke of round five was cwdixon

A farmer, Joe, had a bunch of pigs, all female. He made a deal with Lester, the farmer down the road who had a bunch of male pigs.

One day, Joe loaded all his female pigs on a truck and took them down the road for a "get-together" with the male pigs. He asked Lester how he might know if the pigs were pregnant.

"Easy," replied Lester. "Tomorrow mornin', if the pigs are layin' in the sun, they're pregnant. If they're playin' in the mud, they're not pregnant."

Joe took his pigs home. The next morning, the pigs were playing in the mud. He decided to take them back down for another session.

For three days, Joe looked out each morning to see the pigs playing in the mud. Each day, he hauled the pigs down the road to see the male pigs.

On the fourth morning, Joe was afraid to look out the window. He hollered to his wife, "Martha! Look out that window and tell me what them pigs are doin'. Tell me if they're layin' in the sun or playin' in the mud."

Marth looked out the window and said, "They're not doing either one."

Joe yelled, "They're not! What in tarnation are they doin', then?"

Martha replied, "Why, they're in the truck, honkin' the horn, waitin' on you!"


WINNER FOR THE MAIN PRIZE OF ROUND SIX IS

ormo11
1.] Joke:
Answer: Look! on the floor its your head. Haha haha ha, no, no its not, I'm just kidding.

[2.] morals:
Answer: I would haunt the person who caused me to turn invisible, moving the chair he was about to sit on at a formal party, making farting sounds with my mouth while no one was watching him. tapping a really big man on the shoulder and then watch as he explained really loudly to the little balding man who pretended not to know what he was talking about. i would do these things until he made me be able to talk through walls as well.

[3.] wood:
Answer: A wood chuck would chuck as much wood as a wood chuck had until the wood chuck has chucked all the wood chucking wood he needed for those who can't chuck wood. The wood chuck wouldn't chuck wood where other wood chucks could see chucked wood, too many wood chucks chucking wood where non-wood chuckers could see would lower the would-be cost of wood chucked by independent wood chucks, a wood chuck would need to chuck more wood than previously stipulated to get a monopoly on the chucked wood industry, the wood chuck would need to advertise for a 'professional wood chucking wood chucks chucked wood clearance sale' which would drive away smaller wood chucking franchises. Otherwise the wood chuck would have to make wood chucking his moonlighting career whereby he could get a second job where the wood chuck would chuck less wood but earn enough money to feed his little wood chucking family but still chuck wood on the side. In a modern world the wood chuck would have to chuck a lot of wood and he would have to move to where fewer people have fireplaces.

[4.] dogs:
Answer: Dogs are very masculine in their mannerisms, they scratch themselves in public, they pee on things to express ownership, they enjoy sports and aren't big on personal hygiene, so men keep dogs around to distract people from these habits. Cats however are more feminine, they scratch and hiss people when they're angry, they groom themselves for hours and if you cross one its just your bad luck and they always find themselves caught in a tall tree where only the most fit of firemen can save them. I think animals show us how truly civilized we all are.

[5.] bicycles:
Answer: The reason that a bicycle can not stay up-right by itself is because you haven't gone down to the local sporting goods store and bought a bike stand. Read the manual!

[6.] morals2:
Answer: i refer the mad axeman to the opposite road, i know there is a hospital with nice doctors in white coats who will want to help him ease his aggression issues with psychological therapy, failing that, some strong drugs. It turns out the man he was chasing was auditing his small independent wood chucking franchise.

[7.] missmuffet:
Answer: The bowl was too hot to hold in one hand

so Miss Muffet sat down on her tuffet as planned.

She put the hot bowl in her lap as she ate,

her friends were aware she was putting on weight

but Ms Muffet enjoyed the curds in her gob,

she gobbled it down and no way would she stop,

the whey was no better she drank it all down,

and when she was finished there was none to be found.

[8.] english:
Answer: A few hundred years ago, they tried to invent a language which the whole world could and would eventually learn to speak, the thing is that there already was a language like that, its English, someone should have told them.

[9.] cows:
Answer: not milk, grass, although blades of grass shooting out your nose is even more painful, this is why cows don't tell many jokes.

[10.] dishspoon:
Answer: why did the dish run with the spoon?

because they were chased by the man in the moon.

you'd run too if you only knew what the man did with spoons.

[11.] question:
Answer: 'If you could..' implies that i cant, so i guess you'll never know.

WINNER OF THE JOKE FOR ROUND SIX IS...

missmanda812

There was once an old man. He woke up every morning, to let out a giant fart. His wife always told him "You're gonna fart your guts out!" The old man didn't believe her.



She got sick of smelling and hearing his morning gas, so one morning she woke up extra early. She went to the kitchen, and got the left over cow pieces from the night's dinner. There was fat, bone, bloody mystery clumps and a few organs.



As the old man slept, she quietly stuffed the pieces into his underware. She then went back to sleep. A few hours later, she woke up to the old man standing by the bed. His face was a pale white, as he said "You were right... I DID fart my guts out! But with the grace of God and these two fingers, I got 'em back in."


Overall winner of Round seven is...

Paleon

2. Your new boss asks you to read a story he has written, your three year old could have done better, but what do you tell the boss?

Answer There are two possible answers here, depending on whether I'm happy in my job at the time and what to stay in it.

Presuming I like my job I would probably tell him it's the most profound story I've ever heard, whilst wiping a fake tear from the corner of my eye. (He'll think I found the story so touching but really it's a tear of pain.)

If I don't particularly like my job or don't mind the prospect of having no money my answer would probably be something along the lines of "You know they think that a million monkeys with a million typewriters would come up with an epic bestseller eventually? Well, they'd certainly do better than you. I've gained more profound realisations from staring at my own poo."

3. If you were a wal mart greeter what would you say to people?

Answer: Welcome to Wal Mart, we support the killing of babies in third world countries. Be sure to check the deli counter. (Accompanied by a sly wink).

4. Who wins in a challenge - the unstoppable force or theimmovable object?
Answer : I could argue this one for hours and never really decide. One thing is for certain though, the fly that gets caught between the two is not having a good day.

5. chicken: Why, in fact, did that chicken cross the road?

Answer: WTF? Are you kidding me? The chicken didn't cross the road, it's a chicken. They are perhaps the dumbest creatures known to man. Those things wouldn't make it two steps in to a road without being run down by some maniac with wheels. It would probably be deliberate as well. Honestly, I've met smarter Texans.

I hope you're not from Texas, you judge this right? Please don't be from Texas.

6. what is the sound of one hand clapping?

Answer: It's funny you should ask that. Many would think the answer is silence, but many have no imagination. Just because there's only one hand doesn't mean it's not clapping something. To prove this point I actually performed several little experiments. . .

1. The cat test. One hand clapping with a cat creates two noises. One goes something like "Mrreeeeooooooooooooeoeeewww." The other is closer "YOUCH. F*ck*ng cat just went at me. No, I wasn't doing anything to her. B*tch just flipped."

2. The rat test. For this I used my trustful assistant Rodey, God Bless his soul. Poor little fella is now mulched quite nicely in to my carpet. That reminds me, need carpet cleaner.

Finally.

3. The fish tank test. Scratch the carpet cleaner, need a new carpet - don't think this one is ever gonna dry up. On the plus side I don't need to worry about ordering dinner in, whitebait all round.

So, in conclusion, one hand clapping can actually make a lot of noise. Especially when the police arrive; never would have thought my own mother would report me under the animal welfare act. My court case is next month, you will come right?

7. How is a wee bear supposed to get the nourishment he needs if folk come and steal his porridge?

Answer: Porridge? You do know what a bear is right? The porridge is nothing but a cunning trick to lure tasty young blondes in to his house ready for the eating. Works everytime.

8. Why were the sheep in the meadow and the cows in the corn?

Answer: The reason for this is probably very similar to the reason I have a martini in one hand and a gun in the other. What? You don't think sheep and cows can have James Bond complexes too? No vision some people.

9. What would happen if the coyote caught the roadrunner?

Answer: The whole world would proabably fold in on itself and implode. Faling that, Acme would probably go out of business.

10. landofhoney: If you made it to the land of milk and honey, wouldn't you sink?

Answer: Not if I drunk fast enough, probably end up drowning in the land of pee and vom though.

11 If you could ask a silly question in this survey what would it be?

Answer: Were any chinchillas used in the production of this survery? They really are an underated workforce. Tasty too.


Winner of the best joke for round seven is....

Ascetic of Words

A kidnapper and a boy are walking through the woods at night. The boy, looking around, notices how frightening the scenery is. He looks up at the kidnapper and wimpers, "This place is scary."
The kidnapper looks down at the boy and replies, "Well, how do you think I feel? I have to walk back through this alone."


Winner of Round Eight:

scribbler

[2.] morals:
Answer: No. Lieing is generally more fun.

[3.] jimmy:
Answer: So if he ever goes through temporary memory loss the world will never ever again have to suffer the cracked corn drought of '76. He'll have plenty of reminders.

[4.] funny:
Answer: Nothing. I'd shoot them for trying to saay anything at all.

[5.] cat:
Answer: Are you implying he could not teach himself?

[6.] mouse:
Answer: Stubborn belly fat and love handles.

[7.] goldilocks:
Answer: two words: sponge rollers.

[8.] IQ:
Answer: Yah, but I I wouldn't like to belong to a site where I'm the only member.

[9.] clown:
Answer: Only if he was hickory smoked...

[10.] swhite:
Answer: She's good bait for my bear traps.

[11.] question:
Answer: Who decided the orange was an orange and not the carrot?


Winner of best joke round eight:

Lady Mutnodjmet

Answer: Q.Do you know why cannibals don't eat divorced women?

A. Because they're too bitter!


Winner of best Joke for round nine

Coolhand

Joke:
Answer: A preacher went into a bar and ask everyone to stand up. He said, "Everybody who wants to go to heaven, take one step forward."



Everyone did, except this one fella.



The preacher said, "What's wrong with you? Don't you want to go to heaven?"



"Sure," the man said. "But I thought you was gettin' up a load to go right now."


Overall winner of round nine


Puppycat


2.] morals:
Answer: The devil. Christmas was never intended to be the one-up-man-ship thing it has gotten into.

[3.] bananas:
Answer: If you feed a banana to a monkey or an elephant, they call that dinner. If you feed a banana to a human, they call that potassium. So then, how much potassium and dinner combined do you need to stop most wars in America? The war on crime, the war on hunger, the war on terrorism, the war on drunk drivers, the war on whatever - feed everyone dinner and potassium (for leg cramps) and you have won the war.

[4.] oranges:
Answer: Oranges are orange so they have to be oranges. However carrots are washed out orange so they have to be carrots.

[5.] pants:
Answer: Pair means two. If you had a pair of pants with only one leg, you would need a mermaid or merman to fill them. Pair refers to the number of legs, not the waist area.

[6.] here:
Answer: To do good; to bring joy; to cheer up; to touch lives.

[7.] gift:
Answer: One of our wedding gifts was a glass swan - a huge thing that stood about 24 inches high. It had a bowl thing that you could put stuff in at the body area, but it was far too fragile looking to be used. So I gave it away... weird.

[8.] will:
Answer: I don't know who will is, or what he did to deserve being shot at, but I do know that firing at will is better than mis-firing.

[9.] swhite2:
Answer: One last kiss for the road?

[10.] narnia:
Answer: I think it would be cool in some ways, but in other ways - we have far too much noise as it is and why add to it? Besides, if you count barking of dogs, meowing of cats, chirping of birds and guinia pigs - then they do talk. We're just not listening. I know what my dog wants to tell me by the way she barks, and that's good enough for me.

Round Ten winners

Best joke went to Summer... who's she again?

Evidence that someone has been cheating on a test--two hypothetical boys, Henry and Nate:

Question 1: When did Napoleon die?

[Henry's paper]: May 1821.

[Nate's paper]: May 1821.

Question 2: Where did the Wright bros. test their airplane?

[Henry's paper]: Kitty Hawk, North Carolina.

[Nate's paper]: Kitty Hawk, North Carolina.

Question 3: How did President John F Kennedy die?

[Henry's paper]: I don't know.

[Nate's paper]: Me neither.


Overall winner went to Paleon

[2.] baby:
Answer: Well, if they're talking about my baby, I slip her a valium at 4 every afternoon and she stays down until 8 the next morning. Maybe people that say that are just hinting at their valium habit.

[3.] deaf:
Answer: Of course, only everyone sniggers when the word is mentioned.

[4.] remote:
Answer: Because they're not flat, they're just really lazy and if you prod them hard enough then they'll wake up and do some work.



Seriously? Batteries? Everyone knows that remote controls have tiny hamsters in them and sometimes they get tired and just need a shove.



Batteries? Honestly, what century you living in?

[5.] banks:
Answer: I'm glad you mentioned this one. In my case I think they're getting in there whilst they still can because once I win the lottery/get that book deal/sell my kidneys they're not going to get another penny out of me.





[6.] stars:
Answer: if the handyman at work is antyhing to go by, possibly because the latter can be quite far of the mark. The paint he has takes about three hours to dry, yet for some reason he leaves the wet paint sign up for four days. You can't blame people for wanting to check.

[7.] quizzes:
Answer: This is a trick question isn't it? Like if vegetable oil is made of vegetables and olive oil is made of olives, what is baby oil made of? Or crude oil for that matter.





[8.] lethal:
Answer: I was going to try arguing this from the point of view of someone having an accident and pricking themselves, but realised that wouldn't work because if they get pricked they've probably got more to worry about than the sterility of the needle.



Im gonna take a guess and say that they like to reuse the same needle (no point wasting resources on dead people), only it starts to get blocked and ooky after a few rounds.





[9.] superman:
Answer: Given the relevant weight and respective velocity of the bullet and the revolver I'd say it's because the writer/director didn't stop to think of that one.

[10.] tarzan:
Answer: He does, but because he's so cool it's made of dark matter and you can't see it.



Seriously, he doesn't have a beard because of Disney. If they'd given him a beard he would have looked dodgy and creepy and you can't have dodgy creepy good guys in disney films.

The winner of round Eleven is:

Paleon

[2.] If cats always land on their feet, and toast butter-side down, then what happens if you strap toast to the back of a cat and let fly?

Answer: I really hate you right now. You see, I have a really competative streak and in a bid to find the perfect answer to this question I went and carried out a little experiment. Here are the things I discovered:



*Cats don't like hot toast being strapped to their backs.

*If you strap hot toast to your cat and she doesn't like it and decides to make your arms bleed all over a cream carpet, it doesn't wash out very easily.

*A&E staff are umsympathetic when faced with tales of alleged animal cruelty and don't take in to consideration who came off worse.

*Neither do the police.

[3.] Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Answer: Of course, anyone can savour they full effect of dropping the darn things of their fork and burning the top two layers of skin from their chin. Who needs to be able to read to enjoy that?

[4.] If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Answer: Couldn't you have asked the baby oil one? That's much funnier to answer. Also makes for better experiments.



For this one I decided to do a survey of my own. Almost everyone I asked looked at me in a sympathetic manner and by the end of the day my self esteem was so low that I've enrolled for counselling.



My first session with the therapist is next Thursday, thanks for asking.

[5.] Why do drive-thru ATMs have braille on the keypad for blind people.

Answer: You have drive through ATMs in America? We still have to pull out our guns and hold them up to the cashiers head before we get any money here.



On the plus side there's free internet access here in the prison and the blankets aren't half as scratchy as everyone says.

[6.] Why do they put an eject button on a remote control when you have to get up to get whatever it may be out?

Answer: Go go gadget finger-toes?



They do it because it makes it realy easy to wind someone up. Someone opens the disc draw, press the button quickly and close it. Oh, the hours of fun I've had...

[7.] Why are places we drive called parkways and places we park called driveways?

Answer: Parkways? Can't say I've heard that one before. As for driveways, whatever happened to carparks? Or have you excelled past them?

[8.] Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Answer: Yes.



Pushing the elevator button sends an electric shock through the system causing a small hamster to wake up and start running on his wheel. This activates the pulley mechanism that works the lift (we call them lifts here,get over it).



Pushing the button repeatedly sends more shocks to the hamster, causing him to run faster, making the lift move quicker, resulting in it arriving sooner.

[9.] If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Answer: I take it all back. I forgive you for the moron question, almost, and there shall be a place at my side for you when I rise up and take control of the ear... Sorry, just remembered that my lawyer says I'm not meant to advertise my plans like that.

[10.] Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Answer: What do you mean? I point to my bum. I even point at other peoples bums when I know they need to go.

[11.] question:
Answer: You should ask people what lengths they'd be willing to go to in order to win this contest.

An honourable mention goes to Purple Ambrosa this round, it was that close I had to have one

(questions as above!)


[2.] cats:
Answer: The space time continuum is corupted.

[3.] illterate:
Answer: Of course, everyone loves their ADT's!

[4.] electricity:
Answer: Only in the bible belt

[5.] banks:
Answer: How dare you! Blind people can drive. What makes you think just because their blind....oh, nevermind.

[6.] lazy:
Answer: So your trained monkey can get it.

[7.] driveways:
Answer: The same reason football is called soccer.

[8.] lift:
Answer: Yes, it tells the gnomes working it to hurry the hell up!

[9.] oil:
Answer: Babies!!! Muhahaha

[10.] loo:
Answer: They don't?

Winner of round Eleven's best joke goes to...

Paige has found her muse!

Joke:
Answer: A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”



The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.



The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

the winner of round twelve (overall) ardentwolf



2. Why do Teachers need answer books for subjects they are teaching?
It's where they hide their cup cakes.


3. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Well, what do you expect them to wear? Chickens?, I'm surprised you would even suggest such a thing. Wearing chickens..., , You, sir, are absurd.



4. Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

A very, very funny person.



5. whose bright idea was it to get honey from honeycombe in the first place?

It seemed like a good idea at the time >.>


6. why is mankind called mankind when we are not all kind or men?

Because if we called it peoplecrazy, aliens wouldn't want to visit us to draw random circles in our crop fields.



7. If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Who cares?! I'll be inside drinking hot chocolate.


8. If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

They're OBVIOUSLY here to bake us delicious pies in exchange for helping them.


9. Do you cry under water?

Only if I'm drowning.

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

You can't always blame people for what they do while they're drunk.

The Winner of the best joke went to VaMpIrIcAlLy TaInTeD

A lady in a nursing home was visited by her children and grand children. Unable to talk because of a sore throat, she was forced to write down anything she wanted to say. Her son took her outside under a tree and each of the children told stories and such.

The old lady started to fall forward, and her daughter placed a pillow on her lap. A few moments later she started titlting to the left. A pillow was put on her left to keep her from falling. She leaned over to the right, only to have the same thing happen.

"Sorry grandma!" A voice called out. It was her grandson who was running late. "How are you gradma, sorry for being late?"

He gave her a pice of papae ron which she wrote

I've been trying to fart but no one will let me.

Winner for round Thirteen (overall) is Teri

[2.] clothes:
Answer: The laughing hyhenas.

[3.] mariage:
Answer: Yes, because misery loves company.

[4.] luggage:
Answer: Because the odds of putting man on the moon were greater than finding your luggage at the Atlanta airport.

[5.] apples:
Answer: They are still running from the rather large, angry street vendor who wants his 13 apples back!

[6.] rose:
Answer: Iamadumbass...from the Genus pleasedonotmakemesleeponthecouchagain.

[7.] chicken:
Answer: Oog...the winner of the first season of Survivor: 9000 BC.

[8.] buildings:
Answer: Because they forgot where they parked their car.

[9.] light:
Answer: Because all the blondes would get frostbite.

[10.] towtruck:
Answer: BIGFOOT!...get it?...it's a TOE truck!..hehehe...


Winner of Round thirteen's best joke goes to theodorusrex

[1.] Joke:
Answer: A man walks into a bar and from his suit pocket he brings out a little chap about a foot tall who sits down at the piano and starts playing "Flight of the Bumblebee". The barman leans over and says

"Wow. That guys great. Where'd you find him?" The man replied, "I found this bottle and when I opened it a genie popped out. He said he would grant me one wish, but he must have been a bit hard of hearing, because I ended up with this 12 inch pianist!"




Winner of Round Fourteen overall goes to Sugarbear *Thanks Anonymous!*

[2.] lemons:
Answer: Have you ever tasted a lemon? It makes me feel like my cheekbones are going to implode.

[3.] reily:
Answer: Sylvester Stallone's. I wanted this to be as nonsensical as possible.

[4.] beer:
Answer: I don't know, but I'm sure Alexander Graham Bell tried to steal the credit for it. Then, after he gets the patent for beer and combines it with the patent for the telephone, he can claim that he invented "drunk dialing."

[5.] shop:
Answer: If they claim that it's 24-7-365, they are totally screwed when the Leap Year comes around, and they can close on day 366. I'd be tired if I worked for 4 years straight, so who can blame them?

[6.] rooms:
Answer: The same reason we Power Walk to McDonald's.

[7.] pets:
Answer: Wait, animals don't talk...?



Do you have the number of a good psychiatrist handy?



SHUT THE HELL UP SPARKY!

[8.] styrofoam:
Answer: If I ever opened a gift and it contained only styrofoam, I would have to seriously consider the future of our friendship.

[9.] nice:
Answer: Because secretely they aren't nice guys, they are just trying to look at the rumps of any good-looking females in front of them.



I know from experience.

[10.] wrongs:
Answer: No, but 10 Rights make a Bill!


Winner of Round Fourteen's best joke goes to Edgar Swamp

[1.] Joke:
Answer: Carl: If you went camping with someone and they got you really drunk and you woke up in the morning to find your pants around your ankles, your butthole sore and used condoms everywhere, would you tell anyone?

Lenny: Hell no!

Carl: you want to go camping?