I Just Don't Know

. . .

I Just Don't Know

I just don't know.  A lot of the feeling is confusion, coupled with despair.  Oh, the heavy heart.  Were is enlightenment anyway?  Is it in me?  Is it in you?

I've had enough!  People are always saying that the more hardship we go through, then the stronger we become.  So why is it that I feel so much pain, with my brain, heart, mind, and soul?  Ever since I was a young boy, as soon as I heard about God, and that we were God's Masterpiece, I thought, wow, we all should follow that path.  The path to Love, kindness, caring, and compassion.  I became immersed in the concept, so immersed, I tried to teach that philosophy to others.  Thinking that if I had those traits, learning from them then how could I go wrong.  Guess what?  I have lived my life in receipt of not those traits, but their evil teammates; despair, anger, sorrow.  Yet,  I always move forward!  Attaining awareness of the keys that unlocked those things, knowing truth to self guides our course through life.

I refuse to allow the evil teammates control.  So why do I feel so weak?

I believe that we need to treat each other, with the love, that we would want to be treated with.  I've tried to observe that philosophy, for most of my life.  I find the world to be harsh, and uncaring, a lot of the time.  Then I remind myself that I am here to be Light, and human, with Love, dignity, and respect.  I just wish to attain Love, and affection, and get to give it too.  That feeling of love is God.  It is the closest to God that I can get on this earth. 

There are reasons for all things.  There is a course, a path, that the earth is on, and we are here for the ride.  I just want the ride to stop sometimes, or get on another ride with more happiness.  Did I not get the right ticket at the gate?  What's going on?  Aren't we supposed to be happy?  Isn't that what it's all about?  Why do I feel like I'm in a dark hallway by myself?

I just don't know.  Am I really not good enough?  Am I really not attractive, intelligent or rich?  I try with all my mental capacity, to think of reasons why those things are not true.  But the unfortunate reality I keep coming to, is one of self-judgment, and condemnation.  Moving that road to happiness, further, and further, from me.

Somehow  I've been on a journey, and I don't even know the destination.  Living life with a taste of distain, and utter vile, because of the past.  Knowing there is another misery around the corner with my name on it.  How can the attainment of happiness be gained, living life in that manner?  Again, I try so desperately to see the light in the sky, yet the clouds never seem to clear.  Why?  Yes, I know, clear the clouds yourself, give me a break.  I've exhausted myself trying with every fiber to clear the bloody clouds!

What is the goal?  What am I supposed to be trying to attain?  I just don't know.  Isn't it love, sharing, compassion, and passion?  Isn't it peace of mind, and body?  Isn't it calmness of heart, and Spirit?  So I keep trying time, and time again,  to attain these wonderful things, yet I feel like I'm fighting a lost cause; hammering the walls of my mental cage in defeated rage.

So I have a hard time bringing happiness to myself, how could I even dream of giving happiness to others?  That seems to be pretty important to me.  Being human, and individual, and sharing that with the people I meet in the culture I live.  I know that people are unique, and individual, every single soul on this earth is.  Yet, there is the thought that people should conform to the all.  Individuality has been blurred in the haze of what is our society.  I just can't live like that, or should I say. I don't want to live like that?  If  I do, then I have lost myself.  I have become one of the many, and not the One.  It must be not right, to not be yourself, right? 

I look at it all and wonder why.  Why do I keep bringing myself, heartache, and despair?  There must be a reason, there's a reason for everything right?  There's a reason for my being, and your being, right?  There's a reason for our being, right?  There's a reason for our choices, right?  There's a reason for our attractions, and preferences, right?

I express myself to the best of my ability.  I communicate from my heart, mind, and soul.  I also know that I will keep going through this earthly plain with the hope for Love, affection, and happiness.  What else can I do?  What else would I want to do?  How about you?

SHEA

The might of the word...is YOURS!

"POETRY SHELF" 

ID: 1241754   (Rated: E) Title: Lost Keys  Description: Lost Keys - Welcome - Welcome - Welcome! Come read the story about my lost keys. By: SHEA

"PROSE SHELF"