A Son and a Sword

So...

I should tell you I am not insane, no, but, that this was all a really strange dream for me. Or was it a dream? I cannot remember. Merlin said that it was not, but I'm still a wee bit confused.

Oh! My childhood calls.

But, my insanity is up to you, the unfortunate reader, to decide.

I was a knight in Authur’s castle, and it was his daughter, Roxanne’s, birthday. So, the day before, we built her a giant play castle, complete with those rope bridges and slids.

It also had a dress-up room. It’s tallest tower was taller than the Xcellerator at Knott’s Berry Farm.

I did not like that tower.

I found out that I had this funky magical power where I could move stuff with my hands. Problem was, I had just found out I had it, and it took just as much energy as if I was to move the thing myself. But, I was getting better.

Also, Aurthur expected too much of me, so half the time I was fainting from the power used to levitate those huge stone tower blocks. Everything had to be sturdy, but whatever.

Roxanne’s playhouse was like a giant musical. We would serenade her all day long with her favorite songs, complete with acts and actors and all the trimmings of ribbon a musical has.

She would waltz around the castle, conducting us, as we did her every command. And every year, the birthday castle would be newer, with newer muscials and newer stuff. This year, there were pearls and jewels hidden all over the castle, and new pearls and jewels would appear in the spots you had already looked in.

(This, of course, cost me and Merlin many sleepless nights trying to figure out an enchantment that would do that, and where all the jewels came from. Merlin didn’t tell, but I think they came from far away, under the sea.)

Every year, at the end of Roxanne’s birthday, Arthur would ask us to move the castle somewhere else. Not somewhere else as in bit by bit, somewhere else as in levitating the massive ton castle to another place on the planet, where it would remain a mystery to who ever moved there. This year, we’re moving it to California, at this place called “Hearsh”, but whatever.

What happened last year, was that Lancelot, silly boy that he was, slipped the cooks hidden stock of whiskey into the punch, (I had lots of fun helping him. And, for some reason, the birthday castle was for ME, but I don’t know.) The guests were thoroughly drunk, only thinking that the cook had come up with a new receipe. We would’ve gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for that stupid older boy, Gawain.

He caught us in the birthday castle, (which theme was candy last year) rolling in the giant Tootsie Roll pit, and we had birthday castle duty for the rest of the day. We snuck out, after 20 commands from Roxanne, we got bored, and watched all the proceedings from the tallest tower, which was conveniently hollow, in the castle, which was also conveniently located in the middle of the hall. The guests were so drunk, and Roxanne still didn’t want to come out of the birthday castle, that the guests started opening Roxanne’s presents themselves!

It was a madhouse! Brian and I even got to open some too, thinking that since the guests got to open presents, we could to. We walked away with many a treat that night, and even when the burly head cook/undercover guard persuaded, (decidedly not friendly), the guests to give back Roxanne’s presents. Brian was my best buddy, and we laughed, and never took baths, and played more pranks on Gawain than any of the other people in the castle...

Now, I was a knight, for some reason.

Maybe it’s because I grew up, maybe because Brian died. But, he didn’t die, and I knew that. I still had warm fuzzy memories of him and me, and occasionally I would catch him up and about the castle, and I grew sad. I still think of him as my best buddy today. Someone who understood me more than anyone else in the world...we were nigh inseparable, we were.

As a knight and person who could move things around with their hands, I was sent to go after Roxanne on her birthday this year. Today is July 29th, (insert year here). I don’t remember what day I had the dream last year. It’s funny how certain characteristics of your life follows you into your dreams.

Roxanne greatly amused herself by running all over the birthday castle, playing to my fear of heights, (characteristic in real life), by going up into the tower that was taller than the Xcellerator at Knotts’ and swinging down like a monkey, leaving me stuck on the 5th ladder, or on the 490th step.

What a pain.

I remember, before she got to be such a crick in the neck, when me and Lancelot were about three or four, would convince her to get down from her room by ways of the trellis. We would go off, galavanting with the gypsies, getting filthy with mudfights, and even running away. Then, she grew up, and me and Lancelot were just servants.

Stupid Roxanne.

A great friendship lost...

I even remember all the beautiful princess jewels that she let me play with and wear, how HUGE her room was, how Lancelot would come clomphing in, eyes wide at how pretty we looked in those frilly dresses Roxanne always wore when she wasn’t with us.

Usually, Brian would be covered in filth, and, squealing, we would chase him out of the room. Not before he started a mud fight right in the middle of the clean and neat Roxanne princess room. That was always fun, even when we got extra chores from the burly head cook/undercover guard Brutus.

Whenever we had mudfights, Roxanne would always want to be the servant, and me and Lancelot were dubbed royalty. Oh, that was the best. Roxanne, the spiffy princess in ballet slippers, soiled and filthy from the mud, would serve us on hand and foot. 

King Brian, of all that is dirty, brown, wet and squishes between your toes.

And, me: Queen of all kinds of muds and scum.

Brian would always let me be Queen of Muds, so that he could be King of Filth. Oh, the glory days...and here I was, with a cold and cruel Roxanne to wait on, Brian, my poor dear Brian, not to be found, and Brutus always smacking me if I did something wrong. How I hate this world without Brian.

Brian, the son of Lancelot, lost just like his father.

I grew so frustrated, so that when the visiting squires came to sneer at me, birthday castle duty and all, I attacked with my sword. I don’t know what came over me. Roxanne was satisfied after listening to another musical and was taking a nap in her tower.

I was disgusted, and sad, and sweaty, tired, and disgraced. I attacked them all: Ravus, Berloin, and Eswain. (Don’t ask me how I remember these things, I just do) Ravus I attacked first, and then Berloin gave me a solid blow to the head, and I passed out.

Eswain, fat thing he was, (he only got power from Ravus by taunting a victim while Berloin held the victim’s arms behind his back and Ravus beat him up), went to tattle. So, I was passed out in the mud, (I rather liked it, seeing as I WAS the Queen of Muds,) and Ravus was beating me up again.

I came to, leapt to my feet, and kicked Ravus square in the chest, making him pass out cold. Burloin was easy. All you do is confuse him with mindless riddles and he gets a migraine and passes out. I was kicking Burloin for good measure, (payback for all the times I came upon Ravus beating up Lancelot and Burloin would knock me out before I could go for help), when Eswain came back with Thames.

Thames was an older knight of Arthur’s court, and loyal beyond anything else in this world. He grabbed me by the ear, (“OW, ow, OW, lemme go, they asked for it”), and said, “I think you need to remember why you joined Arthur’s court.” I protested, saying things about how I didn’t even remember becoming a knight. He ignored me, and pulled me up a path to a big clearing barely ten feet away from the castle, (the real one, not the birthday castle).

He left me there, and I found I could not get out of that clearing, could not scale the castle walls. The clearing had a giant mud monster, with bulging rolls of mud-fat, and great lava rock like eye blinking behind more rolls of fat. He had a hole in his head.

I drew my sword, and he spat ten great shining ribbon fiends which swirled and danced around me. The ribbon fiends were easy enough to cut down, after all, they were only ribbon fiends. Then, the mud monster spat out fire fiends, which were harder to defeat.

He only spat out one, but it just wouldn’t DIE! I would decapitate it, then the head and body would inch back towards one another. I grew frustrated, grabbed my handy dagger, and ripped apart all the seams on the fire so that it was just a tattered piece of ash.

The fires were scattered everywhere. The mud monster died at this point, and I was puzzled, yet relieved as to how he died, but focused completely at the fire fiends, whose remains were starting to piece themselves together.

I cursed, “NOOOO! DAMN YOU—YOU STUPID FIENDS!!”, and grabbed some fire waiting nearby, (as to how it got there, I do not know), and flamed the stupid evil fire fiends. Then there were ashes, which pieced themselves together to form this evil little shadowy gray fluffy ash thing with red coal eyes.

I was seriously despairing, for I could see no escape, when someone grabbed my hand from behind me, and said, “Long time, no see, my Queen of Muds?” I slowly spun around, not daring to believe my ears, my eyes wide.

It was Brian, Lancelot's son.

Lost...and found.

He still looked like I had never left him, with blue eyes, slightly ruffled and longer yet scruffy hair, and a twinkling in those blue eyes that I had longed for in my days of tortuous solitude with Ravus and his Stupids. My, mouth flew open in shock, relief, gratitude, I don’t know what. He said, and it was in the same voice I remembered, just slightly deeper, “How have the Stupids been treating you?”

I closed my mouth and grinned, sooooo happy that he was back, “Fine, and how have you been, my King of Filth?”

He grinned, and before he or I knew what we were doing, we were hugging so fiercely, me half in shock, and he like he never wanted to let his best buddy go for fear of losing me. We let go, and he showed me his sword, with mud monster guts on it.

He had killed the mud monster. I grinned, and evil grin, and his face mirrored my own in our jubilation like evil grins. We turned on the confusedf fire ash fiend, and I whispered, “Ready?” Brian whispered, still holding my hand, “One?” I grinned even more evilly, “Two?”

At that, our faces were grinning so hard that I felt a moment of Déjà vu, our faces looked exactly the same when we had spiked the birthday punch so many years ago, and we turned on the fire fiend, and shouted,

“THREE!”

We lifted up our left feet, (a long time ago, Brian and I had agreed that the left foot was sooo much better than the right one, and had used it for kicking, and everything ever since: Later, much to our delight, we noticed that we were both left-handed swordsmen/women/King of Filth/Queen of Muds), and STOMPED HARD on the fire, who squealed once, and then was no more.

Brian and I whooped and shouted, and a voice came from overhead, and said, “Brian,” he looked up, and stopped spinning in circles of delight, “Shannon,” I looked up, and stopped  running in circles of glee.

We involuntarily stepped backward, and found that we were back to back. We linked hands, and squeezed. The voice said, “Shannon, you are not a knight. Brian, you were never sent away,” we both gasped as Merlin floated down from above and hovered above us, “This was a test of your friendship, and you have passed.”

Brian and I squeezed our hands tighter and tighter, till suddenly we turned around and started hugging again, we were never apart.

“Friendship, comes in many forms. You have proven that it is loyal, true blue, undying, and would wait with undying patience for a new day. I took you into the future, Shannon, you have seen what life was like for Roxanne, who didn’t have your friendship, Brian, you have seen that without the your merriment, wars were started in an ill-favored castle.”

Brian and I separated, still holding hands, understanding on our faces.

“Life—without the friendship in it—is no life at all.”

Brian and I looked at each other, and tears misted over our eyes, and we laughed, Brian repeating a phrase from our childhood, “Shannon, did Brutus put dew in your eyes again?” and I said at the same time, “Lancelot, you have camel spit on your face?!” We reached out and wiped each others tears away, and started laughing, still managing to hold tight to one another in a fierce hug.

Merlin smiled, winked, and said, “Now, my friends, it’s time to go HOME!”

Brian, still hugging and laughing, were hurtled through the castle walls, over the rainbow, and back again, and found ourselves in a mud pile, hugging still. Roxanne was sitting there looking crossly on, (in the MUD!?), and said, “HEY! I want a dunk in the mud and filth like you two!”

Brian and I separated, joy apparent, and found that we were back at the beginning, and were covered in FILTH and MUD. Lancelot and I hauled Roxanne to her feet, so happy that we were BACK, and climbed to the top of Royalty Rock, (which we later renamed LOYALTY Rock--but same difference).

Giggling, all three of us, we jumped into the mud hole. Roxanne soared into a pile of filth, and Lancelot and me were hugging still. Roxanne came over and started to tickle wrestle us, and we joined in the fight, getting more and more filthy, and being as children, our laughter ringing forever in our ears....

THE END