Stories of a Bum

Day 1: I was very hungry but I had no money (as usual), so I did what any self-respecting homeless man would do—I begged! I went to a street corner and saw a sign:

No Panhandling
Violators will be prosecuted

The problem is I didn’t know what in the world panhandling meant, because as a bum I have a very limited vocabulary. So I made my own sign:

Hungry Veteran
God Bless

(The only catch is I ran away from home at age 18 to avoid the draft during ‘Nam. I use whatever it takes to make people pity me.)

After ten minutes of begging with no success, a police officer pulled to the curb and approached me.

“Mornin’ officer.”
“You realize that panhandling is illegal here?”
“Oh I’m not panhandling, I’m just begging.”

Apparently he thought I was being smart and he wrote me up a $50.00 fine. The nerve.

Day 2: Last night I found a dumpster to eat out of, but I still needed fifty bucks to pay my fine. I thought maybe I could just not pay it, I mean, what are they gonna do, take away my house? But as a contributing citizen, I felt I had to. So I went to a different street corner about a block away and begged -er- panhandled again.

After twenty minutes all I got was the finger and a beer can tossed at me. I’ll take the last one as a generous gift. It wasn’t long before the same officer pulled up to the curb and approached me.

“The city ordinance still applies here I’m afraid. Looks like that’s another fifty dollars, plus a court order for eight hours of community service.”

He told me I needed to appear in court the next week so I could be issued an order to perform community service. See, I am a good citizen who always gives.

Next week (lost track of day number): Just performed the community service by scrubbing graffiti off an overpass. Court went horribly; apparently the judge didn’t like my appearance or smell. The nerve.

Day 10 (saw a calendar and now remember): Now that my civic duty is finished, I still owe the court a hundred bucks. So I walked about a mile away and made a new sign:

Community Serviceman who
Needs $100.00 by next week

Some pedestrians were curious as to what a community serviceman was. I proudly told them:

“I graciously scrubbed graffiti for eight painstaking hours, all so the appearance of our city could be improved.” Apparently they didn’t buy it. Eventually the same cop (again!) spotted me. He tried to cuff me, but I was a little tired of getting fined every time I tried to earn some decent money. So, I did what anyone would do, I hit him. It didn’t work. In a flash he pulled out some mace and sprayed my eyes.

And that’s how I wound up where I am today: In jail. But at least I get to eat!