| A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
FROM MY PUBLIC BROADCASTING RECTUM
Gentle reader, I want to touch upon, as gently as possible, a subject which I know concerns us all. Yet, it might offend those with more delicate sensibilities. But, we can’t fight what remains in the shadows. Brace yourselves, the subject is: flatulence. Technical Name: Flatus. AKA farting, passing gas, breaking wind, etc. Your kids can understand it better in those terms I know.
Anyway, I became concerned because this natural, necessary for good health bodily function was suddenly dogging me. I had never been so aware of this phenomenon’s presence until 2 months ago. I began expelling this offensive, even to me, wind every twenty minutes, daily. Horror of horrors, that calculates to a rate of expulsion of 24 farts per day. I kid you not. And that does not include in the midnight hours. (Note: 14 releases daily are average according to Dr. E. J. “Skip” Carstensen.)
Moving on, my brother complained on occasion and finally suggested that I retreat to the bathroom upon my "visitor’s" approaches. My harassed, tearful response was, “I’m sorry, but that would mean I’d be jumping up and down all day to truck it to the bathroom just to unload air.” Evidently seeing the point of my complaint (plea really, reader), he returned his attention to the TV and proceeded to continue to suffer quietly. I mean really! It is my house.
My brother’s request, however, confirmed for me the abnormality of my visitor’s frequent visits. So, off to the www (that means the World Wide Web for those who are not internet savvy). Into the search engine I typed, "causes of flatulence." I was determined to learn as much as possible about this...this beast really so I could launch a counter attack.
Well, seeing what I saw, I set about reassessing my diet right then and there. I mean, I should have suspected yet, how could I have known; my diet was prescribed by a respected nutritionist, a professional. I trusted his judgment. Anyway.
CURRENT DIET OF THREE MONTHS:
Loads of carbs., veggies, fruit, fruit juices, whole grains, and fiber rich foods, AKA, Diet of a Vegan.
COUNTER ATTACK DIET (effective immediately):
Loads of rice, protein, fat, and cakes and donuts, which lack flatulence-inducing sugars, AKA Diet from Heaven. Halleluyah!
I know what you are thinking. An explanation is in order.
You see, gentle reader, the Current Diet is loaded with flatulence-inducing foods. However, the Counter Attack Diet, praise God, is composed of very-slight-flatulence-inducing foods. Now, while I may see my end quicker on this diet, I’ll go down a champion of the environment and the fight against drugs, and smelling April fresh. (Ask not what the environment and society can do for you, but what you can do for the environment and society.)
You see, flatulence releases nitrogen, carbon dioxide, oxygen, methane and hydrogen sulphide gases into the air. All harmful sounding, except for the oxygen; don‘t you agree? Also, FYI, hydrogen sulphide is responsible for flatus’s foul odor. And, I’m positive that methane gas is somehow contributory to the production of methamphetamines.
So, join me in the fight against air pollution and the production of methamphetamines.
“Down with carbs! Up with fats, proteins and sweets!”
Kill the beast! Don’t worry, die happy now.
THIS IS A JOKE. I REPEAT, THIS IS ONLY A JOKE.
Here’s the real deal. Everything I wrote here is true (except for the obvious obsurdity here and there); however, do not, and I repeat, do not use the Counter Attack Diet. What you need to do is find a healthy medium: possibly stop drinking milk as you may be lactose intolerant and use beano. If these sound suggestions fail (Who are you to judge me?), just pass your gas and walk away so no one knows it was you (no joke). Simple!
Peace out and I’ll catch you on the flip side.