Elder Hostel: The Saga Begins

Elder Hostel: The Saga Begins

Can the Order of the Yum save Henry?


Sinead couldn't get a date.

She couldn't explain why.  It was like her luck just ran out.  Was it because she always kept her purse by the bed during "romantic interludes?"  Okay, so one guy put a tip in it.  Weird, but at least Sinead had enough to buy a soda.

Was it because she asked guys to drink her blood?  What's so strange about that?

Whatever it was, it was making guys stay away in droves.  One even wrote on the bathroom wall, "For a good time, call anyone but Sinead!"

Sinead couldn't get a date.

Her magic sticks weren't much help.  Every time Sinead cast them, they spelled out "deceitful" and "manipulative."  Must be defective.  Are these things still in warranty?

Sinead scratched her head with a magic stick.  "Henry Fitzroy is involved somehow," Sinead thought.  "I will have him or no one will!"

Sinead cast her sticks again.  This time they fell into a different pattern.  Sinead peered closely.

"Go to 52 Lunnigan Avenue and spill your blood on the pentagram on the floor," the sticks spelled out. 

"Wear something nice."

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"I know this has something to do with Henry," Sinead thought as she approached the pentagram.  Sinead pulled out her knife.  "Just pretend you're offering yourself to Henry.  Or slicing a bagel.  That works too."

Sinead sliced her palm and shook droplets of blood on the large pentagram painted on the floor.

Whoosh!  Sinead jumped back just in time to avoid the vortex that opened in the pentagram's center.  Out of the vortex rose a hoard of bats that coalesced into the form of a tall, dark, and decidedly geeky man.

"Sweet!" the man said, looking Sinead up and down.  "You must be that magic chick.  I see Fitzroy threw you over.  Well, I think you and I can work together and come up with a mutually satisfying solution."

The man slid up to Sinead and put his arm around her shoulders.  "Yes, my sweet, there are forces in the universe that have, shall we say, a gripe or two with Fitzroy.  My orders are to put him out of commission one way or another.  Your skills will help us.  Afterwards, you can have him all to yourself.  What's left of him!"  The man threw back his head and laughed, flashing some really bad teeth.

"Okay," he said, suddenly all business.  "My name is Norman, and I work for a big-time demon named Astaroth.  Now, my master is currently on vacation in Iraq, lovely this time of year, so I'm helping out with an even bigger, badder demon.  With him around, Fitzroy doesn't stand a chance."

Norman leaned close in to Sinead's face and snuck a peek down her blouse.  "So what say you?  Will you help, as if you had a choice?"

"Well, um, as long as I get Henry in the end.  Just one thing, though.  Um, could you lick my face?"


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Back at Sinead's place, Norman sat slumped in a chair watching TV and picking his teeth with an apple stem.

"Babe, would you hold it down?  I'm trying to watch Army Wives here."

"I can't help it," Sinead said around a mouthful of food.  "I stress eat, and I'm scared that something will happen and I won't get Henry," she wailed.

"Look, your chewing is drowning out the TV.  Why don't you go throw the I Ching or something.  I'm waiting for our instructions.  They're encoded in a wrinkle cream commercial."

"Why do I Ching when I can do Krispy Kreme?"  Sinead took another bite.  "You know, I think I prefer glazed."   

Norman suddenly sat forward and peered intently at the TV.  "Okay, got it.  This is brilliant in a really wicked sort of way."  Norman jumped up and started pacing.

"This is going to be great.  We, that's you and me and selected friends, are going to kidnap Fitzroy.  Of course, we'll have to deal with what's-their-faces, oh yeah, The Order of the Yum.  They're always hanging around Fitzroy, drooling all over him.  Blech!"

"So we kidnap Henry?" Sinead asked.

"Yep.  Listen to this; this is great.  In The Order of Whatever, there's a teen called Blah.  Now, Fitzroy is not going to let anything happen to a child, so we use this Blah to lure in Fitzroy.  We kidnap Blah, lure Henry in and then guess, just guess."

"You spill some of Henry's blood and this bigger and badder demon arises?"

"Wellll, not exactly," Norman cackled.  (SPOILER ALERT - READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!) You see, it's not Fitzroy we're really after.  He's actually the bait so we can capture this Order of the Yuck.  It's their blood that will empower my temp master, who is, get this, the Cancellation Demon!  With him around, Fitzroy doesn't stand a chance at being renewed! 

Sinead pondered.  "So, we use this Blah to lure in Henry, the Order of Whoever comes to Henry's rescue and falls into our trap. Then, I get Henry!"

"By Lucifer, I think she's got it," Norman said, patting Sinead on the head.


Meanwhile, back at headquarters...

"Hey, Henry just put the moves on Vickie!"

Slam!

"Oh, there are Henry's sexy vamp eyes!"

Slam!

"Hey, did someone just fall over?"


THE END - FOR NOW