No-Eyebrows Guy

Alfred O’Goff was a very simple man with a very complex problem: his eyebrows. Or lack thereof. Where on any normal person there should have been eyebrows, all that was to be found was a blank expanse of skin. Now to anyone else this might be seen as simple. As a woman, draw them on with eye pencil. However, Alfred knew that if he drew on his own eyebrows he would be mocked even more than he already was. For anyone with money, a simple procedure could be done. Alfred had little money because his girlfriend, Glenda, spent it all on her daily shopping rampages.
Alfred himself was simple. He enjoyed a plain cup of coffee with nothing in it and a piece of dry toast for breakfast every day (a fact which Glenda never let him forget). He walked his dog, Big Al, at the same time every day. It was not compulsive, just habitual. Every day he took the same bus to work at the same time. At work he was consistently picked-on and called “No-Eyebrows Guy” (the people at his work were not great thinkers). It was a happy little routine. Or so he thought.
One day Alfred was just sitting on his couch sipping tea, when he heard the distinctive slamming of the front door and the clicking of two-inch, hot pink heels shuffle through the foyer.
“Al! You home?” Glenda’s words trickled through the hall like sickly-sweet syrup down the throat of some poor soul.
“Yes dear, I’m in the living room.”
“Well come get my bags! They aren’t going to carry themselves now are they?”
“No dear.” Alfred shoved his thin wire glasses up a bit further on his nose before trotting to the foyer. He gave Glenda a quick peck on the cheek and then dragged the heavy shopping bags into the bedroom the couple shared.
“Al? Come here.” Alfred hurried back to the front room and waited for Glenda to speak. “Al, I’m sick of all this.”
“All what?” Alfred cocked his head to this, confused.
“You: you and your stupid eyebrows. Or no eyebrows. Or whatever. People stare. They mock me and point at me. Do you know how hard that is? I don’t think you do.” Alfred stood there in utter disbelief as that sweet voice he had heard earlier melted away, revealing a monstrous shriek. “I have to stand there being laughed at because of you. You know today some random lady asked me if I was the one dating the guy with no eyebrows. I had to lie! Why can’t you just draw them on like a normal person? You know I shave mine off every morning to do just that!”
“Honeybear, you know I can’t do that. I don’t know how. And besides it would look utterly ridiculous.”
“Now don’t go blaming stupid cows for your hair problems. It’s not their fault. I simply can’t take any more of this. If you aren’t willing to grow up and do this for me, then we are through.”
“But Glenda-“
“No. We are through! Now get out!”
“It’s my apartment.”
“Maybe you shoulda thought of that before you put me through this torture! Now I told you to leave!” So Alfred grabbed his wallet, coat, and umbrella then walked out the door, which hit him on the way out. As if remembering something very important, he turned around and knocked politely on the door.
“Glenda, dear?”
“What do you want now, you moron?” She didn’t even bother opening the door.
“Can you pass me a leash and get Big Al for me?”
“You’ll have to live without that…thing. It’s mine now!” He heard the heels clicking away from the door and the squeal of Big Al being shoved aside by that brute of a woman. There was nothing he could do though, so Alfred hailed a taxi and departed.

Alfred spent the night in a hotel, running things over in his head. Glenda and Big Al were all he had. Now Glenda was gone and holding Big Al hostage. Alfred knew he had to get Big Al and his apartment back. But how? After all those years being tormented Alfred no longer had any self-confidence. He couldn’t stand up to Glenda.
A while back Alfred had seen an ad in a local newspaper for “Eyebrowless Anonymous.” He was always too afraid to go, but it was reassuring to know that there were others like him. Alfred knew he had nothing left to lose, so he resolved to find them first thing tomorrow.
The moment he set foot in that room the next day Alfred knew he would fit in. He had been nervous throughout the journey to the bland office building in the middle of the city, but his fears were put at ease at the sight of the taupe colored walls and big round table. On the table sat seven plain cups of coffee and seven plates of dry toast. Behind his favorite breakfast sat seven eyebrow-less strangers, all staring at him with a welcoming smile.
“Please, come sit down.” A woman in a green cardigan who appeared to be the group leader gestured towards an eighth chair directly in front of Alfred. As he sat he was offered a cup of coffee and some toast, which he accepted without hesitation.
He glanced at the people around the table. On his left sat the lady in the green cardigan sipping her coffee gently. Next to her sat a man in a brown polo shirt with a significant balding problem. Beside him was a man who looked to be compensating for his lack of eyebrows with an extensive beard reaching to what must have been his belly button at least. Then there was a woman with a very stuck-up look about her, eyebrows drawn on with thick eye pencil. Next to her was another woman, this one much more heavy-set. Then there was a man with a very thin neck and long, stringy hair. Finally, in the seat to Alfred’s right, sat the most beautiful woman Alfred had ever seen.
She had short brown hair layered all around her face and wore a navy blue sweater that off-set her grey eyes. She smiled gently, revealing an even set of slightly yellowed teeth, which reminded Alfred of his own coffee-stained set.
“Hi, I’m Angela Mayso. What should we call you?” The others nodded encouragingly.
“I’m uh…Alfred. Call me Alfred. Alfred O’Goff.” He smiled a nervous smile and gulped his steaming coffee, burning his tongue.
“Welcome, Alfred.” The woman in the green cardigan looked around at the group. “Let’s introduce ourselves. I’ll start. I’m Mary-Elise Morgan. People call me Mary.”
“I’m Jonathan Echolls. Jona.”
“Sigmund A.K.A. Sig.”
“Elizabeth.”
“Tanya.”
“And I’m Adam.”
“Great! So how does this all work?” Alfred gestured around the room.
“Well,” Mary explained, “we start by telling our stories and discussing issues, then we move on to self-confidence exercises followed by some free time and socializing, and finally, we have group discussion about anything we like.”
“Sounds great!”

After the meeting Alfred felt refreshed. He had spoken quite a lot to Jona and made friends with Tanya. He was a bit uneasy about talking to Angela, but he managed to make small-talk. With this confidence boost he felt he could do anything. Anything but face Glenda. He didn’t think he could ever do that. While he had figured out that he didn’t love her, he did know that he was afraid of her. He didn’t think he could win in an argument, but he knew he had to try.
After eating his usual lunch of a turkey sandwich, an orange, and bottled water, Alfred made his way back to the hotel to get ready for work. 
Alfred always dreaded work. His merciless colleagues pestered him for hours on end as if they had no work of their own. He always managed to get his work done, but his boss was constantly on him to do it faster and better. There was no satisfying any one of them.
Alfred took the subway to the inner city where his office building towered high over the streets. Nonetheless, he walked through the parking garage to avoid being stared at. Once he reached his floor he snuck inconspicuously to his cubicle where he sighed in relief. No one had seen him.
“Hey, No-Eyebrows Guy! How’s it going?” A man in a purple button-up sauntered over to say hello. It was Gary.
“Worse since you got here.” Alfred was shocked at himself. He had never said anything like that to anyone before. It was nothing compared to Gary’s obvious disbelief.
“Whoa, we’ve got attitude from No-Eyebrows Guy. That’s a new development.”
“Well, I am sick and tired of you petty little people pestering me about something I have no control over. How would you like it if I called you ‘Big-Nose Guy,’ huh?” Gary clutched his bulbous snout in embarrassment.
“I’m sorry Al. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings or anything. It was all in good fun.”
“And it’s Alfred. F-R-E-D.” Alfred then rushed off to the bathroom where he stood panting over the sink.
“Oh, my God. I stood up to him! I did it!” He was overwhelmed and panicked. He looked in the mirror. “I’m amazing!”

Alfred had been on his own for over a week when he decided to approach Angela. They were standing around at an E.A. meeting during their free time and Angela had just finished talking with Elizabeth. Alfred took this opportunity to amble over tensely.
“Hey, Angela.” Alfred clasped his sweaty hands together, trying to conceal his anxiety.
“Oh, hey Alfred. What’s going on?” Angela replied nonchalantly.
“Not too much. You know, having ‘free time’”
“Sounds like fun!” She smirked teasingly. But it wasn’t the kind of teasing Alfred was used to. It was neither mean nor vindictive. It was, in fact, playful and attractive. Alfred liked it. So they talked for a while. It was a good feeling for Alfred to know Angela liked him at least enough to talk and laugh with him.
“Angela?”
“Yeah?” She looked slightly concerned, which sort of flattered Alfred.
“Could you maybe…help me with something?”

After five hours of nonstop shopping, hair cutting, and much reassuring from Angela, Alfred was finally ready. The next day, after more reassuring, he would do it. He would take his life back. With that last thought Alfred collapsed on the bed and fell asleep.
He awoke to a slightly obnoxious knocking on the door. Angela didn’t hesitate to let herself in.
“Get up. You need to do this early. Element of surprise or something. Let’s get going.”
“Mmph.” Alfred shielded his eyes as the room filled with light from the ceiling lamp Angela had just turned on.
“Come on. I know it’s all a bit of a shock, but you are going to take it all back! It’s exciting!” Angela pumped the air with an eager fist.
“I know,” Alfred mumbled from beneath the warm covers. “I’m just nervous is all.”
“And that’s completely understandable, but you have to do it eventually. If you don’t want to do it today-“
“No. I want to. I have to.” Alfred cut her off, obviously talking more to himself than to Angela. He got up.
The pair walked over to the pile of shopping bags left by the door. Albert had never felt the need to try to dress well. He knew it wouldn’t matter to anyone, so he shopped at bargain stores, and not often. He rarely cut his shaggy hair for fear of losing it too. He had asked Angela to help him look better so he would have the confidence to face Glenda.
Alfred and Angela rummaged through a multitude of clothing, searching for the perfect outfit. With a little help from Angela, Alfred chose a white button-up with blue and grey pinstripes and a pair of dark-wash jeans. He combed back his now short, wavy hair and slid on a pair of loafers. He was ready.
Angela’s silver Ford, carrying the duo, pulled up outside the apartment building. They parked and swiftly exited the vehicle. Alfred was clearly dreading the moments to come as they walked up the steps to the outer door. He turned to Angela.
“I can’t do this. I’m not strong like you.”
“Yes you can, you are strong! Anyone who could survive the cruelty you have must be very strong. You can do this. You don’t need eye pencil or surgery to look good. You already do! Now go in there and tell her what’s what.” Angela’s hands pressed firmly against Alfred’s arms, reinforcing the words.
“Alright, I think I’m ready.” They got all the way up to the familiar entrance to the apartment before the panic set in again.
“Oh, God. I can’t stand up to her.” Alfred looked like he was going to throw up. Angela then gave him a peck on the mouth.
“You can stand up to anyone. Remember what you said to Gary? And think of Big Al! Do you really want her caring for him? And she would just destroy the apartment. From what you’ve told me, I wouldn’t be surprised if she sold it all for shopping money.” Angela smiled compassionately. “Come on.”
“Okay. Let’s do it!” With a fresh burst of confidence, Alfred rapped on the door quite firmly and even more rudely.
“What? Who is it?” A harsh rasp sounded from within.
“It’s Alfred.” He could hear the heaving footsteps approaching. The door opened revealing a thoroughly ticked-off Glenda. She tapped her foot impatiently as she popped her gum.
“Finally got some sense, eh? Gonna get that surgery?” Glenda looked past Alfred to where Angela stood, a disgusted look on her wide, made-up face. “Who’s this…person?”
“I will be doing nothing with my eyebrows, this is Angela,” he wrapped his arm around her and pulled her closer, “and you are leaving.”
“Wha - no. You left! You can’t just come back and expect me to give you everything back!” She said this all very matter-of-factly. “It belongs to me now. When you left you automatically gave it to me.”
“Hun, I don’t think you understand how this all works. I paid for it. My name is on the deed. It belongs to me. Now get out.” Alfred pushed his way into the apartment, pulling Angela along with him.
“Well if you think you are getting that dog-“ She pointed to a burly bulldog laying sprawled out on the floor.
“His name is Big Al, and he is mine too. And I said get out.” With an indignant look, Glenda tore her purse and coat off the coat rack and stormed out, slamming the door behind her. Alfred looked at Angela.
“I did it! I made her leave!” Alfred was clearly ecstatic. He knelt down and scratched Big Al behind his fat, floppy ears. Angela pulled him up and into a warm hug.
“Yes, you did. You did well.” She released him.
“I did it all without eyebrows! I don’t need them!”
“You never did.” Albert looked as if he was going to ask her in, but he hesitated.
“I have on more favor to ask.”
“Yes?”
“Never call me Al.”