Dear God

Dear God,

I know You and I don’t really have a longstanding relationship or anything. Well, come to think of it, I guess we don’t have a relationship at all, but I just wanted to tell You that I believe in You.

Unlike some who reached the bottom and grasped at any hope they can find, and WANT You to exist, I KNOW You exist.I know you exist because You let me trudge through the depths, to show me what life WAS, and then You showed me love, and what life COULD be, and I found all this not while I was at the bottom but as I was climbing my way back up. I know You exist because You used life to mold me into the person I am, into the person I actually like, the person that someone else has grown to love, and into a person strong enough to face each day for the rest of my life no matter what joys or sorrows it will bring. While that in itself may not prove Your existence, the fact that all of this happened for reasons, for YOUR reasons, does.

I don’t have your job so I don’t know just how many thank you’s You get every day, but I want to thank You for something a little different. I want to thank You for the heartache. I know that sounds a bit weird, but You being You probably understand it. I want to thank You for it. Now, I can appreciate the love I’ve been given in a whole new way, in a way that most people can’t. I understand its fragility, and I understand it’s ability to conquer fears and doubts and plant hope and faith. I also understand its ability to cause hurt and pain and I’ve learned through living that sometimes that pain is unintentional and unavoidable.

I want to thank You for all the weight You have given me to carry over the years, too. I’m sure that my abilty to take care of things, get things done, be the rock when someone needs it, and the shoulder when someone needs it, and the I’ll-give-you-a-swift-kick-in-the-@$$ person when someone needs it has made many come to expect more from me, but I’ve always been able to step up to the challenge. You gave me the strength for that, and only made me stronger by putting that strength to use every day of my life. I might question myself sometimes, but deep down I know I can do it, because it’s nothing worse than that which I’ve already faced. And that I’m still standing here, a whole person with a relatively whole mind, is a testament to my conquering of all that I’ve faced thus far in my life. I’m sure there will be much, much more that I have to face. But I won’t be facing it alone. Not with the gift of love that You have given me.

Nothing is as chaotic as it seems. We aren’t just molecules floating through random currents that happen to bump into each other. Every person that has EVER entered my life, whether they came to stay or came for only a short period of time, has helped me. Helped me to figure out who I am, and what I want in life, or sometimes just to be the support that I don’t think I need. Every person I’ve let into my life, into my heart, has allowed me to uncover a part of myself that I didn’t know existed. A part of me that YOU gave me.

I might wonder about why a person steps into my life, or how, or when, or what for, but I know there is a reason. I know there’s a reason because You have a plan for me, and I have faith that I’ll get there soon, and I’ll get there happy. And that I’ll get there as a woman who knows who she is, and what she’s capable of.

So thank You.