Behind Closed Doors

Behind Closed Doors

I look back at what I left and wonder why it took me so long. My god, I loved him so much; tall, strong, image to beat all, beautiful long blonde hair and the hottest bike in the Valley. Boy, did I think I was bad when I was by his side -- the power, the leathers, and my favorite: the looks from the enthralled tourists who gawked at us wherever we went.

I was what Alaska and life was all about. I would walk into the bar, the store, the gas station or anyone’s home and everybody would stand to say hello and show his or her respect to this man and me in such attire. I could hold my head high because our reputation was known in a 500-mile radius from Kodiak to Fairbanks. What else could anyone ask for? It's true, I had brothers and sisters in every town; however, I had something that no one else knew about.

I had a life behind those closed doors that no one would wish on themselves; I had loneliness, fear, betrayal, anger and control. I had to deal with drugs and raised voices, and had my sanity tested to the point where I would find myself curled in a corner, fearing for my life. Where did all that wonderful image shit go? I didn’t understand. He wasn’t gorgeous anymore. He had so much anger that was shared with only me and mine.

I tried to tell someone one day the truth in my life. They laughed and said I was crazy; he was the catch of the Valley and I was the luckiest woman in the state!

I walked away in my fear all alone. I walked, I ran, I escaped and disappeared to a world I was new to. I left the image, along with my "family" who said they would always take care of me...except when those doors were closed. I came to a place where the sun shone high, the birds sang, and people smiled. The anger and fear seemed to be slipping away, three thousand miles down the road.


Written by Jenny Russell (1995)