UNTITLED 5

I...I thought I was ok. Then there it is, the first flash, and I jump
My palms sweat
I can't concentrate
I'm nervous
Each sound makes my eyes wide and my heart jump
As if I believe there is actually something for me
I...I thought I was ok.
Distraction, quick quick, distraction
My desperate plea is ignored because of what I can't ignore
Does the next flash go to her?
This used to be ours
And you shared it with her.
Did you tell her your secret, our secret?
Stop looking! Did you really just.......STOP!
I don't think I have blinked yet....blink
I... I thought I was ok.

All the pictures are gone.
All the reminders are gone.
All of you is gone
But you remain
And I can't breathe
I...I thought I was ok.

I was ok
before you came
A lesson learned?
Growth?
Experience?
TIME?!?
A HOBBY?!?!?
NO I'm tired of hearing of time,
The ticking stains my mind
And repeats the sound of pain
Time, time is nothing
I was ok

You're still there?
Why are you still there?
Go away
I'll go away
I want to run, run hard, run away
My legs can't carry me far enough
Far enough to escape this domain
No matter how far I go, you remain
I was ok

I'm not ok
No safe haven is free from you ruin
No thought is free from your face
No dream is a dream
Just the unconscious house of mirrors
The good the bad and especially the ugly, fade my truth, my certainty
All that is certain now are my palms, my shake, my rhythm
I'm not ok.

I ask, your rejoinder -
'What do you want me to say?'
But...
It's true
Isn't it
your attempt to make my words an utterance of stupidity,
to force idiocy upon me
is all...
True

I want
The truth
Your truth
My truth
My life
I want
More
I'm not ok
And until you say...
....something will I be
Your shameful lack of nerve in the face of me is...
Not good enough

Now your digital reality says it's over
A smile, for a second
then it's back.
Are you upset?
Over her?
Like you were, over me?
How dare you?
Now you hide, you hide it...what are you hiding?
How much more can there be?
Why from me?
TELL ME?
You are. Empty. That was one truth you never denied.
You could. You can. You did. You will again.
And for that
I am not ok.




Shea 4-22-07