Subject: I'm sorry I won't be in today..

CC: ALL

I would like to read your email.  And I plan to soon.  As soon as I’m back, I mean.  Which should be soon. 

I apologize for not being available during this extremely important time when the sales quotas are coming due. I know how everyone needs brochures at this time of year, and would like their expense accounts written up and approved thereby made eligible to turn into accounts payable. (Usually sent to me the day that accounts payable are due, even though I sent out memos clearly asking for them five (5) days in advance.) 

When I first started working here you  would at least follow up the faxed reports with a phone call over-sharing pained but creative excuses:  Wife’s family is in; it’s a madhouse.  Car is in the shop.  We’re moving; death in the family.  The car has killed the wife's family so we have to move. Now it’s just faxed with a conspiratorial, “You know how it is.”

Which brings me to the point of this email.  I do know how it is.  Life is busy, gets in the way.  Work is too much damn work.

I won’t be in, and my excuse is as follows:

I planned to be in, but today when I woke up, the alarm clock was too far away from the bed and I couldn’t get there in time to stop it from annoying me.  And when I was thoroughly annoyed and staggering through the house to the coffee pot and worried how frizzy the blow dryer would make my hair if I took the time to wash it this morning, or if I put it in a ponytail, mightn’t anyone notice how greasy it was getting, something made me stop. 

The coffeepot, you see, is situated on the counter under a window and that window looks out onto a tree and the light slanting through the tree silhouetted the most darling baby birds whose mother was tending to them with utmost care and patience. 

And just like that I realized many, many things:

1.          It is spring.
2.          Mornings are beautiful and shouldn’t be dreaded.
3.          Life is precious
4.          I have not noticed morning or sunlight or birds for years.
5.          I hate my job

With this I concluded that I will not be in today.  Or tomorrow.  I may, if it rains, be in on Thursday.  But since I realize that it has also been years (since I was eight years old, in fact) since I have played in mud puddles, I don’t think I’ll be in then either. 

What, you say.  You feel as though as I will be fired.  Well, you may be right.  I shall see about that upon my return.  Until then, I appreciate your understanding and ignore your jealous and malevolent wishes for my demise. 

If you feel as though you need me for important business matters before next week, too bad.  If you need me to photograph birds or would like to ride bikes, please call and leave a message. I will return it in the evening after I have caught lightening bugs.

Thanks.