Never Trust an Angel

Never Trust an Angel

Setting: Hell, Satan and Angel’s kitchen.

At rise: ANGEL, a blonde woman dressed all in white, places a basket of muffins on a table set for three. She is pouring orange juice when SATAN enters, wearing a black suit with a red shirt and carrying a briefcase. Satan sets the briefcase down and kisses Angel on the cheek.


SATAN
Good morning, Angel!

ANGEL
Good morning! Have some breakfast-I made your favorite.

SATAN
Blueberry muffins?

ANGEL
Yep-and this time I used an extra-special ingredient…

SATAN
Love?

(Satan grabs a muffin and takes a big bite of it.)

ANGEL
You can’t put love in muffins, silly!

SATAN
It’s not worms again, is it?

ANGEL
No, I used cinnamon! Can you believe Hitler finally gave me his secret recipe?

SATAN
Do you really think you should be taking suggestions from Hitler? He’s the worst person here!

ANGEL
Oh, lighten up! He really mellowed out after he killed himself. Besides, it’s not like I got the recipe from Jeffrey Dahmer.

SATAN
I guess I should be thankful for that.

ANGEL
Although those chicken fingers he made were pretty good…

SATAN
That wasn’t chicken-didn’t you see the fingernails?

ANGEL
That’s funny, it tasted like chicken.
(looking at the remaining muffin half on Satan’s plate)
Aren’t you going to finish your muffin?

SATAN
I’m not really hungry.

(Satan pushes his plate away.)

SATAN
Shouldn’t Johnny be up by now?

ANGEL
He’s just working on his homework. He’ll be down soon.

SATAN
Johnny never waits until the last minute to finish his homework. Is he okay?

ANGEL
It’s next week’s homework.

SATAN
I should’ve known…

ANGEL
Oh, before I forget, would you mind giving Johnny a ride to the high school Saturday morning? He’s retaking the SATs.

SATAN
Didn’t he get a 1590 the first time?

ANGEL
You know our Johnny won’t be happy with anything less than a perfect score. He really wants to get into a good college.

SATAN
But he’s going to Hell University-I built that school just so he would be able to continue his education close to home.

ANGEL
(hesitantly)
Actually, I get the feeling that he wants to go to H.I.T.

SATAN
The Heavenly Institute of Technology? Where did you get that idea?

ANGEL
He told me.

SATAN
Well, it’s a good thing he’ll never get accepted because I do not want my son going to that college!

ANGEL
Look, I know you have your issues with God, but your son’s future is more important than some silly fight!

SATAN
Silly? He kicked me out of Heaven!

ANGEL
Well, you did lead a revolt against him…

SATAN
It was justified! That guy is a jerk!

ANGEL
You’re overreacting. If he were really that bad, would millions of people worship him?

SATAN
Hitler was pure evil and look how many idiots worshipped him!

ANGEL
You’re not comparing God to Hitler again, are you?

SATAN
Have you ever seen the two of them in the same place?

ANGEL
No.

SATAN
I’m just saying, for all we know, they could be the same person.

ANGEL
That’s ridiculous!

SATAN
Is it? God can take any form he wants…why not Hitler?

ANGEL
There’s no way Hitler is actually God…although his blueberry muffin recipe is quite heavenly.

SATAN
(laughing sarcastically)
Can we please focus?

ANGEL
(sighing)
I’m focusing.

SATAN
After what God did to me, do you really think I would let Johnny go to college in Heaven? And do you really think that God would let my son in that school in the first place?

ANGEL
It’s possible.

SATAN
I don’t want Johnny learning from my mortal enemy!

ANGEL
There are worse people he could be learning from.

SATAN
I don’t want to hear it!

ANGEL
Wouldn’t you rather have him learn from someone like God instead of the murderers and pedophiles that teach at Hell University?

SATAN
How dare you! Charles Manson is a damn fine professor!


ANGEL
Of course he is-he teaches Mass Murdering 101!

SATAN
Hey, that’s not fair! He also teaches history!

ANGEL
The history of serial killers!

SATAN
So? You teach what you know!

ANGEL
I don’t want our son learning how to properly disembowel a body or take advantage of innocent children.

SATAN
I would never let him learn about taking advantage of children…who wants a bunch of kids hanging around all the time?

ANGEL
(exasperated)
I want Johnny to learn how to live a pure life and be the kind of man that others can look up to.

SATAN
No son of mine is going to grow up to be a God-loving role model! I will not have him disgrace the family!

ANGEL
Don’t I get a say in this?

SATAN
Of course you do…as long as your opinion is the same as mine.

ANGEL
We’re supposed to be a team, Satan!

SATAN
We are, but I’m the leader of the team and what I say goes.

ANGEL
That isn’t fair!

SATAN
Life isn’t fair!

ANGEL
He’s going to that school!

SATAN
Over my dead body!

ANGEL
You don’t get to make all the decisions-I gave birth to him!

SATAN
He’s my son too!

ANGEL
No, he isn’t!

(Satan gasps.)

SATAN
What did you say?

ANGEL
Nothing.

SATAN
Did you just say what I thought you said?

ANGEL
(taking a deep breath)
I said he’s not your son.

SATAN
That’s impossible! We’ve had him for seventeen years…if some other guy were his father, I think I would’ve figured it out by now! Besides, the boy is exactly like me. Why would you lie about this?

ANGEL
What are you talking about? He’s nothing like you! He spends all of his time studying and doing volunteer work; you got kicked out of Heaven for plotting against God…who, may I remind you, was your closest friend until you tried to take over Heaven!

SATAN
What’s your point?

ANGEL
Johnny is an angel.

SATAN
Half-angel! He’s also half-devil.

ANGEL
I was hoping it would never come to this, but I think you should know who Johnny’s real father is.

SATAN
Is it Hitler? It better not be Hitler!

ANGEL
No, it’s not Hitler! Johnny is one hundred percent angel.

SATAN
(with a sigh of relief)
Well, as long as it’s not Hitler…

(Angel turns away from Satan and covers her mouth.)

ANGEL
(muffled)
It’s God.

SATAN
(confused)
What? Who’s Bob?

ANGEL
Not Bob…God.

SATAN
(exploding)
You tramp!

ANGEL
That’s a little harsh!

SATAN
All the men you could’ve cheated on me with and you pick him? Why don’t you just stab me in the heart? It would be less painful!

ANGEL
It’s not what you think!

SATAN
You know how much I hate him!

ANGEL
Let me explain!

SATAN
How could you?

ANGEL
I didn’t!

SATAN
I’m confused!

ANGEL
I didn’t sleep with him!

SATAN
Then how on Earth did you get pregnant with his child?!

ANGEL
The same way Mary did.

SATAN
Who the hell does he think he is? He has no right to magically impregnate my wife!

ANGEL
I understand why you feel that way, but to tell the truth, I was kind of honored.

SATAN
Honored? When he knocked you up, did he also brainwash you?

ANGEL
You know, very few women are chosen to give birth to the next messiah. I’m only the second one!

SATAN
(sarcastically)
Well, good for you! Why should I care that my wife had another man’s baby? If you’re happy, I’m happy!

ANGEL
I know you’re upset-

SATAN
(interrupting her)
Ya think?!

ANGEL
But you should be flattered. In spite of your differences, God thought you would be worthy of raising the future messiah.

SATAN
That’s not why he did it. He’s still mad at me about the whole rebellion thing, so he got you pregnant to get back at me. Why else would he want you to have his baby?

ANGEL
What’s that supposed to mean?

SATAN
No offense, honey, but you live in Hell and you’re married to the devil…not really the ideal environment for the “holy child” to grow up in!

ANGEL
(offended)
Oh, really? It looks like he turned out fine to me!

SATAN
I don’t understand why we even need a new messiah. The one we already have is doing a pretty good job.

ANGEL
Apparently, right before I got pregnant, Jesus said he was tired of being the savior and would only do it until God found a new one. Then after Johnny takes over, Jesus is going to retire, so he can devote more time to his music.

SATAN
What music?

ANGEL
He wants to start a Christian-metal band.

SATAN
(stifling his laughter)
Yeah, that’ll go over well…

ANGEL
Come on, Satan. I’m sure people will buy his album-he did die for our sins.

SATAN
Maybe if we talk to Jesus, we can get him to change his mind and Johnny won’t have to be the savior!

ANGEL
But I want him to be-

SATAN
(interrupting her)
You’re being selfish. Why would you want him to have the most stressful job in the universe? Don’t you want him to be able to have a normal life?

ANGEL
So living in Hell with all the murderers is a “normal life” all of a sudden?

SATAN
They’re not all murderers; some of them are arsonists, rapists, lawyers, priests, politicians, terrorists, telemarketers… We have people from all walks of life!

ANGEL
That’s not necessarily a good thing.

SATAN
There’s no diversity in Heaven! It’s just cloud-to-cloud angels! What’s he going to learn about life there?

ANGEL
Oh, I don’t know-how to be a good person, how not to be a criminal…

SATAN
Blah, blah, blah! Maybe he can also learn how to dance on rainbows and skip across the stars! I want my son to be a man, not some cloud-humping fairy!

ANGEL
Angel.

SATAN
Angel, fairy, it’s all the same.

ANGEL
No, it isn’t!

SATAN
Angels have wings, fairies have wings…end of story.

ANGEL
So do birds!

SATAN
Wow…you just blew my mind.
(rolling his eyes)
Birds don’t count-I’m talking about people with wings!

ANGEL
(sarcastically)
Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking…

SATAN
Don’t take that tone with me. It’s bad enough that you had another man’s secret love child, but now you’re using sarcasm? That doesn’t sound like the woman I fell in love with!

ANGEL
(angrily)
I didn’t have a choice!

SATAN
Well, for someone who didn’t have a choice, you don’t seem very upset about it!

ANGEL
What good would it do? Standing up to God never ends well.

SATAN
I did it.

ANGEL
And look where you ended up! I know that what God did was wrong, but the fact is, I love my son, no matter how he got here! And even though he isn’t biologically yours, he will always consider you to be his real father. Don’t punish Johnny because of something God did.

SATAN
You know I wouldn’t do that.

ANGEL
So you’ll let him go to H.I.T.?

SATAN
No, but I won’t make him go to Hell University. He can go to any Earth college he wants, and after graduation, he can come back here and I’ll personally train him to do my job!

ANGEL
What happened to not punishing him for God’s mistakes?

SATAN
Oh, I’m not. I’m going to punish God for what he did to us…and Johnny’s going to help me.

ANGEL
I don’t think that’s a good idea.

SATAN
Of course it is! I’ll teach him all kinds of useful things: how to sneak into Heaven, how to fight angels, how to persuade people to do whatever you ask them to… With his brains and my ability to make people do things they know they shouldn’t, Heaven will finally be mine!

ANGEL
Satan…

SATAN
Don’t worry, we won’t leave you out. You can help too!

ANGEL
I don’t want to help.

SATAN
You never support me!
(muttering)
And you call yourself an angel…

ANGEL
Don’t you remember what happened last time you tried to take over Heaven? You’re still being punished for it!

SATAN
I was young and stupid then. Now I’m older and wiser, and I have time to come up with a better plan than last time!

ANGEL
I don’t want Johnny to have any part of this.

(Satan comes up behind Angel and puts his arms around her.)

SATAN
Relax, Angel. I’ve got it all figured out. What could possibly go wrong?

(Angel sighs as the lights fade to black.)